Having yet again failed to secure a Semmy nomination, isos staff writer Claus, Santa went Cyber-postal today.
“It was brutal”, said an unnamed isos staff member. “Santa was literally going nuts. Well, OK, not LITERALLY nuts. I mean, he isn’t a pistachio as we speak. But he did go cyber-postal FTW.”
Details are sketchy, but Santa, apparently incessed that his comedic return to the hillarious and wildly popular quasi-annual mailbox series didn’t garner a SEMMY nomination, sent the following email to all@insearchofstuff.com:
F%$#@ making a list and checking it twice, those motherf%^$%^%$^ers can go %$#$ themselves if they think one Santa Q Claus is going to sit around and get ^%$^ed in the &^%^& again by those ^%R^%R over @ the Semmys. They can go. ^&$%. Them. Selves.
And don’t give the fat man that BS about accidentallying his nomination. Santa don’t buy that at all.
Be warned Semmys: Santa is gonna bring the heat and go cyber-postal on your a$$3$. And that heat is gonna burn. Burn like unwashed hands on genitalia after cutting chillies. BURN, BABY, BURN.
The cyber-postalism got so bad late Monday night that cyber-negotiators were bought in to talk Santa down via Twitter. After getting the fail whale, ICQ also failed when Santa turned Trillian off, and a request to see his online presence on Skype was blocked, ultimately forcing negotiators into the indignity, lagginess and downright lameness of gmail chat.
Negotiations are continuing, but negotiators say they aren’t terribly optimistic of a result, being “… one closed tab away from oblivion”.
isos will keep you informed of developments as they unfold.
2 out of three, despite what Meatloaf’ll tell ya, is bad, but for a blog without either a following or a work ethic, isos thinks it’s more than admirable we’ve done Santa Mailboxs two of three years, in 2005 and 2006.
So after missing a year due to what can best be described as “life induced runaway meltdown”, isos returns Santa to his role as guest blogger. Take it away, fatman.
Hi guys, Santa here. Sorry about last year. The elven CBA took longer to thrash out than expected. Those little munchkins may look cute, but I tells yah, a lawyer’s a lawyer’s a lawyer, no matter how cute and cuddly he may appear. And UNP, or the University of the North Pole for the uninitiated, spits out some soulless, nasty, humanity hating lawyers.
Also, there are some changes this year that I’ll outline quickly to avoid “issues” later on:
1. Santa can no longer sign off “love Santa”. Seems that makes Santa appear to be a kiddy fiddler. So we’ve gone with pointless salutations instead.
2. Santa had a heck of a lot of photos of children, and this got the authorities a little worked up. So Santa has had to throw them all out, and agree to accept no more pictires of children under plea agreement 144537, section c. So please, don’t send Santa any photos, or I might end up in the slammer Christmas Eve, and then’l who’ll kiss mummy uder the tree?
3. Santa has been pressured by Moms Against Unhealthy Eating not to send any form of fast food for Xmas. So no chocolate presents, no lollies, no “candies”, no sugary treats, nothing even remotely unhealthy this year. Sorry, just no can do!
4. Santa can no longer refer to Elves using any language that demeans their height. If you catch a phrase please let the Elvish Works Union know.
Anyhoo, enough sooking from me, lets answer some questions from the kiddies.
Dear Santa,
Daddy was sacked from his job last year, and he was real depressed like. Seems the market for former camp, search mascots is pretty slim pickings. I know daddy recently got a part time job, but he can’t afford to send Reginald or Myself to butler college.
If you could arrange for daddy to get a job, as a search mascot ideally but, failing that, perhaps on the lucrative speaking circuit, that’d be great.
Thanks,
Horatio Jeeves
==================
Dear Horatio,
Santa has hooked Jeeves Sr up with a gig @ the upcoming SMX, so that should be all good.
Regards,
Santa
Dear Santa,
I am worried about the effect the economic meltdown will have on polar icecaps. I know you live at the North Pole, which is a floating mass of ice with no land beneath it, and my daddy says that the global markets are heating up, and I worry with that and the greenhouses effects that this will speed up the melting of the polar ice caps, and that your house might sink. Then ehat would happen to the elves? And Rudolph. Poor Rudolph.
Also, Daddy runs a financial services website, and whilst he still ranks extremely well, accross both the high volume head terms and the niche long tail terms, he says traffic is in the toilet, and I know that the wireless network never quite works in there, cause of the pipes or something, so that can’t be good.
So for Christmas, can you provide the government with a clear economic plan to course us out of this crisis, that includes both stricter regulation, greater access to information, a strong and robust set of checks and balances, as well as an agreement that tax payer dollars will not be used to socialise the losses of financial institutions, whilst allowing the profits to be retained, and that enables either a carbon trading scheme or carbon tax inputs, that spark a “green fuels” revolution.
Also, I worry about the Moral Hazard created by a system in which governments encourage risk taking behaviours with their tacit guarantee to bailout all and sundry, and minimise the potential for future bailouts of uncompetitive, unprofitable, resource wasting industries like The Big 3 automakers. I may only be seven, but even I get can see that this will have long term, disasterous consequences as any half-conscious CEO of a failing company will realise that sudden, massive, spectacular failure with a government sponsored rescue package is better than slow, steady, inevitable demise.
If you could arrange that for me by Christmas this year, that’d be great, cause then daddy could afford to buy us that Wii we’ve wanted for three years.
Love,
Timmy Smithson
=======================
Dear Timmy,
Woah there, little economist, someone seems to be spending WAAAAAY too much time on Reddit!
Look, I’ll level with you: I’m a fat guy with no known form of income who lives in an icy house surrounded by elves who, although once under paid, now command excellent salaries. What I’m not is flippin’ Scrouge Milton Friedman McGreenspan.
Solving an economic crisis routed in greed, the nowhere land of a semi-free markets combined with lax regulation and a “small government” President who spends, ironically, like a Wall Street Trophy wife with a limit free Amex and runs wars as off budget items on an already deficit running budget is more work than even Santa’s hourde of Elvish UNP economics graduates can solve in a month.
But cheer up, Santa gots me some good deals on a few million Wii this year, so why don’t we cut out the middle beauracracy, and stick to what we now we can acheive, and have me go ahead and just send you one of those instead.
Breaking our own long standing editorial rule on puns (editor: right, like you ever editted/proof read/considered these posts at all), isos wish to report on the controversy surrounding the case of Matt Cutts and the noxious gases.
Not the actual act itself. Oh no, we couldn’t care less about whether it happenned or not. I mean, really, who cares about facts these days? The real news is the reporting of other people’s reporting of someone else’s comments on something that no one can quite remember. Outrage about something is just so damned hot right now.
Anyhoo, it seems that the unfortunate confluence of gases, discomfort, human biology and one man has sent the Interwebtubes into a absolute tizzy from which the keyboards of the world may never recover.
SEOblogbloke77 claims that the passing of wind was “hypocritical, what with youtube’s stance on ‘adult’ themes, and shows yet again Google’s descent into the abyss of evil.” Amanda over @ SEOmothers.com, however, wants to know “what about the children? Why won’t anyone think about the chidlren? If passing wind is now acceptable and even indoorsed (sic), kids everywhere will start telling fart jokes, and we are right back to 1999 and the dark days of Beavis and Butthead.”
Other commentators link it to the great Hitler controversy of 1939, when an unfortunate Bratwurst caused the Fuhrer to be so iritable that invading Poland was the only distraction that worked. Some have even claimed the fart was mentioned in the Book of Revelations as a sign of the Apocalypse, and some of the Buddhist SEOs claimed that the fart was a reincarnation of one dropped at thr start of last century by the author Hemmingway.
But not all comments have been negative or exagerated. A few, just a few, were overwhelming in their stance that it “was just gas”, and more than a few people pointed out that “everyone does it. What’s the big deal?”
Aparently, the big deal is that Matt Cutts did it, and everything he does/thinks/writes/considers/can be misquoted to kinda sorta make it seem like he agreed to is news. Heaven help us all if he ever goes all Hans Reiser on us. Someone might blow a vein in their temples!
@isos, we are simply excited that, after months and months of nothingness, an obscure and rather trivial event in Mr Cutts life has allowed a bored, unimaginative, out of ideas blog community with, lets be honest, not much left to say to get all hot and heavy and worked up about how much everyone else is getting all worked up, hot and heavy. This nerd blogging orgy, whilst prurient in the most repugnant and vomit inducing way imaginable, at least passed the three hours we spent at the airport surrounded by ugly people.
And really, could there possibly be a higher calling for this great medium than a nerd orgy of pointlessness to distract the airport laden?
