In yet another SEM industry leading move, UPONG has released the final copy of there ambivalently anticipated and quasi-interesting Standards.
“All members will be held to this far reaching and historic document”, acting head seo_master_77 told isos. “and If they don’t, we’ll not only kick the %$#%$#ers out, but publically humilate them at every oportunity. We gots us some principles!”
Preamble
The thought of anything as useless and obfuscating as a preamble is detestable to UPONG.
U-Whoo?
The Underpanters Professional And Openly Naked Guild (UPONG) is an organisation for people who prefer to work, not get dressed up. UPONG members are renowned for their cutting edge results, knowledge and research, not their fashion choices, Fabio.
Truth
We will perform all SEO and SEM tasks either fully naked or in a state of undress dictated only by weather and not social convention.
I will wear a suit only if someone who either contributed to, shares, was made from or helped make someone from my DNA dies.
We will live by the UPONG motto that professionalism === results, professionalism != looks.
We will work twice as hard as someone who looks three times as good, and produce four times the results.
We will work to improve skills, knowledge and talents, not the ability to BS.
We will not drink the 9-5 Koolaid - if we wanna work til 3 am, we will.
We will only use avatars that are of some obscure pop-culture reference that only truly worthy ppl will grasp.
Respect
We will provde all clients with the ultimate sign of respect: 100% honesty aye.
We will treat all collegues with repect, but reserve the right to refer to them as “marketing people” only in public, and use only four letter words to describe them in private.
We will not tolerate fools willingly or, if they refuse to learn, at all.
Responsibility
We are responsible to our clients, and will provide full, frank and honest advice, and will not claim knowledge we don’t have.
We will constantly learn and educate ourselves by reading as wide as possible from sources that have a history of knowing their shit, who are interested in teaching and learnign and not raising their profile in a sort of public ego masturbation.
We will do all we can to re-educate those who lack the clarity of thought to understand that this shit works.
After a recent spate of articles deriding the snarky, nasty nature of the SEM blogotrapezoid, UPONG President S.E. O’Guru has been forced to issue a press release setting the record straight. UPONG claims that the popular organisation is, in fact, the first SEM body to start “getting its hate on”, according to Mr O’Guru.
“We hated first”, S.E. O’Guru told isos. “We were so totally first that not only did we start the hate, but we commented ‘FIRST’ in the comments. This shows yet again what a pioneering institution UPONG is, and how totally ahead of the game we are.”
Asked to support these claims, Mr O’Guru said “Look at the name, man. It is exclusory. We don’t take just anyone, and we hate on anyone that isn’t one of ‘us’. And hate fully isn’t even a strong enough word. Super-mega-ultra-inflaminate-destroyify is closer to the mark, and even that only describes 3/8s of my rage and hatred.”
And why did Mr O’Guru choose now to make this statement?
“Because hate has become such a bandwagon, it makes me sick. Everyone now thinks they are soooo original when they say things like so and so sux, or so and so licks such and such’s rude parts. UPONG just needed to set the record straight, and demonstrate yet again that UPONG, as with all SEM initiatives, was first. First with a capital go F yourself. And we wanted to let all those people claiming the hate is widespread know where to fire their missles of rage, because we are so ready for you. Take your best shot, I double dare you!”
We all know about linkbait. Most of us are well aware of drinkbait, and if you know drinkbait, you probably know hatbait. Now that more than half a year has passed, we feel sufficiently distant from any threat of an IP lawsuit, and with just a couple of days before the fun and excitement begins at SES San Jose, we wanted to let you know about all the excitingly viral (and virally exciting) programs awaiting you. I won’t be there (because, I have to admit, I don’t know the way there –ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba), but I’m counting on your participation so that I can get my vicarious kicks.
Stinkbait
A special team of revelers will be reveling an awful lot, and not washing. If you can stand to be in their presence long enough to have your picture taken with them (no holding your nose!) we’ll post the pic of your lovely grimace.
Shrinkbait
We’ll be taking over a major SEM firm’s booth (probably without telling them) and transforming it into a psychiatrist’s office. You will be videotaped telling our therapist about how messed up your childhood was. C’mon, you’re a geek. We know you’re neurotic as hell.
Blinkbait
Search marketing staring contests! Need we say more?
Lincbait
Whether you’re old enough to remember the Mod Squad or not (the stupid movie doesn’t count), you’ll pay tribute to Clarence Williams III’s immortal character Lincoln Hayes by donning a rather large afro wig and saying “Solid”. Why? Because Linc was cool, that’s why.
Syncbait
Can you channel Dionne Warwick and lip sync to the most famous song about San Jose? Actually, I think it’s the only song about San Jose. I mean, it ain’t San Francisco.
Frinkbait
Put on the lab coat, the bow tie, the coke bottle glasses and the buck teeth (bring your own if you’re squeamish about germs) and explain your choice of search engine patents in the voice of the famed professor. Glaben.
Inkbait
Got a tattoo? Oooh. Aren’t you cool and hip and with it. How about this: have you got a search-related tattoo — your firm’s logo (Nike execs do it, so why haven’t you?), your favorite search engine, the image of your favorite celeb-o’-search…. Vanessa Fox in some state of undress, perhaps? I know somebody out there just has to have a Matt Cutts tat. No? Would you like to get one?
All this and more await you in beautiful San Jose. And if you participate in all of these exciting activities, we might even link to you.
