Okay. The secret to successful SEO blogging is hiring a cute girl to do your bidding. To attract an audience you need a young, snarky female, preferably dark-haired (time to conform, Rhea!), to amuse and bewilder the masses. Let them cover the industry, injecting the news with a healthy dose of sarcasm, and the predominantly male industry will Eat. It. Up. In return, you’ll get instant street cred, soften up that I’m-all-about-work persona, and you’ll be put on the V.I.P. list for all the hip Google parties.
It’s genius, right?
Yer damn skippy, it’s genius.
The problem is, I think Scottie or Torka would slap me silly if I suggested either of them take on this role, so (gulp) I’m going to do it myself. Henceforth, I am your new sexy-but-approachable, smart-n-sarcastic, sassy-slash-savvy web babe. A “webabe,” if you will. If Mike ever gets off that tiny continent of his, he can join in the fun too.
At the next Google party, I’ll be the one in the go-go cage shimmying up a storm in my frilly fringe miniskirt.
Just one thing, though: I’m not shaving the beard. Deal. With. It.
We hear that some big shot at a PPC company is claiming that SEO is more like baking a cake than rocket science. Personally, we at isos never thought it was like either of them, but if this “Pastaneck” (is that really his name??) person insists, we figure it’s worth exploring.
How is SEO like rocket science? Erm… it isn’t. Rocket science deals with calculations like Tsiolkovsky’s rocket equation:
I guess Pastaneck has a point there. That doesn’t look like any Google patents I’m aware of. But considering NASA’s record of late, even the rocket scientists seem to have forgotten that rocket science is rocket science, so you can’t expect something that isn’t rocket science to be rocket science. That just doesn’t make sense, Mr Macaroni Person.
How is SEO like baking a cake? Well, it’s important to fully cream your butter before gently folding in the flour… No, I’m afraid that doesn’t work either. Sorry Noodles, but SEO is not like baking a cake.
So let’s examine what Noodles’ company does. Is PPC like rocket science? Of course not. Is it like baking a cake? No, I don’t think so. So what is it like? Well, I think it’s notable that two-thirds of PPC is pee pee. Draw your own conclusions.
Have you seen the memo that was leaked by a disgruntled former employee of Noodles’ company?
To: All Account Managers
From: The Flying Spaghetti Monster
Urgent: Increase ad spend on all clients by 35% immediately. I’ve got a balloon payment due on my place in the Hamptons in a couple of weeks.
Kind of makes you think, doesn’t it? Imagine how much it would make you think if it were real.
While you’re thinking, think about this: If he thinks SEO is so easy, that might explain why he thinks he can beat all the SEOs competing to rank on his name by the use of practically duplicatecontent. Oh yeah, love that hyphenated file name. That’ll make all the difference in the world, Noodles.
And if PPC is so great, why does he need a second job cooking fish?
I suppose it’s odd to say that I’ve been struck by Pasternack’s empathy for fish, given his recurring role in their demise, but he nevertheless seems intent upon doing honor to the deceased, characteristically by doing no more than necessary to evoke essential flavors and unembellished subtleties. Not that he’s unwilling to call a fish a fish. One day, as I watched him reduce an eight-pound mahi-mahi to about thirty bites of crudo, he showed me its pearly, iridescent pale-pink flesh and said, “You don’t always see it this color. Sometimes the meat’s a little grayer.” On the other hand, mahi-mahi is “a very stupid fish. You catch one and you leave him in the water and all the others’ll follow and you can catch ‘em all. Not very smart. Good eating, though.”
Sorry, Tuna Casserole, but I don’t think you’ve done a very good job of proving your point. So there.
We here at isos haven’t failed to notice the growth of an exciting new trend in online marketing: everyone’s gaga for social bookmarking, and every guru has their own sage advice for folks who want to show up at del.icio.us/popular, appear on the front page at digg, be part of BuzzFeed’s latest buzz, or get dugg and dugg again to achieve that fabulous digg effect.
Most of that advice involves writing snappy blog posts with titles like “How to Get Dugg” — either that, or publishing a top 10 list. Often, the “how to get dugg” posts will include a piece of advice like “publish a top 10 list.”
But with all those top 10s out there, how do you separate the wheat 10 from the chaff 10? With that in mind, isos is proud to announce a call for nominations of top 10 lists from the search marketing world in order to determine the top 10 search top 10 lists of all time.
Tell us about that top 10 list of your own that makes you puff up with pride every time you see it in your server logs. Tell us about that top 10 that changed your perspective on your work, your life and your relationships, or the top 10 that showed you how to make the serious cash money. Yes, be sure to tell us about that one. UPONG membership doesn’t pay for itself, you know.
You can submit by email or in the comments of this post. Winners will be given an honored position in the In Search Of Stuff Top 10 Top 10 Lists of Search list and will of course also receive plenty of warm link love.
