We all know about linkbait. Most of us are well aware of drinkbait, and if you know drinkbait, you probably know hatbait. Now that more than half a year has passed, we feel sufficiently distant from any threat of an IP lawsuit, and with just a couple of days before the fun and excitement begins at SES San Jose, we wanted to let you know about all the excitingly viral (and virally exciting) programs awaiting you. I won’t be there (because, I have to admit, I don’t know the way there –ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba), but I’m counting on your participation so that I can get my vicarious kicks.
Stinkbait
A special team of revelers will be reveling an awful lot, and not washing. If you can stand to be in their presence long enough to have your picture taken with them (no holding your nose!) we’ll post the pic of your lovely grimace.
Shrinkbait
We’ll be taking over a major SEM firm’s booth (probably without telling them) and transforming it into a psychiatrist’s office. You will be videotaped telling our therapist about how messed up your childhood was. C’mon, you’re a geek. We know you’re neurotic as hell.
Blinkbait
Search marketing staring contests! Need we say more?
Lincbait
Whether you’re old enough to remember the Mod Squad or not (the stupid movie doesn’t count), you’ll pay tribute to Clarence Williams III’s immortal character Lincoln Hayes by donning a rather large afro wig and saying “Solid”. Why? Because Linc was cool, that’s why.
Syncbait
Can you channel Dionne Warwick and lip sync to the most famous song about San Jose? Actually, I think it’s the only song about San Jose. I mean, it ain’t San Francisco.
Frinkbait
Put on the lab coat, the bow tie, the coke bottle glasses and the buck teeth (bring your own if you’re squeamish about germs) and explain your choice of search engine patents in the voice of the famed professor. Glaben.
Inkbait
Got a tattoo? Oooh. Aren’t you cool and hip and with it. How about this: have you got a search-related tattoo — your firm’s logo (Nike execs do it, so why haven’t you?), your favorite search engine, the image of your favorite celeb-o’-search…. Vanessa Fox in some state of undress, perhaps? I know somebody out there just has to have a Matt Cutts tat. No? Would you like to get one?
All this and more await you in beautiful San Jose. And if you participate in all of these exciting activities, we might even link to you.
On the heels of Google’s recent announcement, which their blog terms “just the first step in the evolution toward universal search,” rumors are swirling that they are nearly ready to take the second step, code-named Omniscient Search.
According to a Google spokesperson of indeterminate gender (let’s call him/her “Pat”), “We don’t believe muddled thinking, unclear objectives or poor spelling should stand in the way of someone being able to find what they’re seeking. Google 2.1 (Build 1.06g), Omniscient Search, will make that possible. Let’s face it — we’ve got a better idea than most searchers what it is they’re really looking for, and we certainly know better than they do how to find it.”
“So, let’s say, for instance, you’ve misplaced your car keys. All you do is type in to Google: ‘Now where are my keys?’ and we will return results blending informative articles outlining industry best practices for locating lost items, humorous blog entries and MySpace comments from your so-called friends debating whether or not it’s a good idea for you to be allowed to drive in the first place, photos from Flickr showing your keys lurking in the far left corner of your kitchen counter behind the stack of empty pizza boxes and beer cans from last night’s party, and a YouTube video of your mom fussing at you for keeping such a messy house.”
“Pat“ also confirmed Google is evaluating the feasibility of equipping robotic agents with the ability to read your brain waves and physically retrieve and deliver to you whatever you’re searching for, thus eliminating the final hurdle — people who don’t own or have access to computers with which to run Google searches — standing between Google and total world domination.
Leading search industry pundits have already agreed to designate this third-stage development as Google 3.8, Service Pack 2, but it will apparently be officially referred to by Google as Omnipresent Search. Rumors are swirling that the U.S. military will participate in testing; their initial test will reportedly be a search on the phrase “Osama Bin Laden.”
I was fully reading JW’s latest article and OMG, rofl, Don’t Sweat the Small SEO Stuff and OMG, LOL, that is the “worst” article I have EVER “read”.
First of all, by small things she says she means “things like how many words or characters should be in a title tag”. OMG, LOL, I can’t BELIEVE that. The title tag doesn’t matter? Since when? Obviously people like me, S. E. O’Guru and people like me have no clue what is going on.
Then JW says more stupid things like “Despite what Google and their webmaster guidelines would like you to believe, there are no rules when it comes to SEO”. Huh? Who is she kidding? There are no rules? No rules? Then what have people like me been teaching all these years? Of course there are rules, and only an idiot spammer friend wouldn’t think there were.
This is the “worst” article I have read in years, and I really have to say that “no one” should ever read this article “EVER”.
