Tap The Knowledge Of The Undead For Increased PROFIT

We hinted at this when we released our Ultra Keyword Accuracy Guru (v1.01 Beta), but it is now official. After years of research conducted in darkened rooms, after millions of late nights, ISoS have finally finished our revolutionary Netherworld Communications Suite: Ouija Board to USB dongle and the accompanying software: Séance Analyser 2005.



This product, with its combination USB 2.0 and Firewire (IEEE 1394) adaptors, as well as the optional Wireless features, threatens to provide Smart Marketers with an edge they have never before had: the spirit world.

No longer will marketers be limited to Real World, Samsara tools and experts. Now you to can have access to the combined knowledge of the spirit world, and all those that have, as John Edwards says, "passed over".

Literally Thousands of Uses

Having trouble thinking of an original idea? Imagine summonning the flawed genius of Howard Hughes. Having trouble spinning a problem? Need an advertising idea? just call up David Ogilvy.

Just imagine the information you can gather by having former Harvard and MIT Professors analysing and critique your Business Plan, the untold wealth of ideas that smart businessmen from the past like King Soloman could provide. Imagine all the inventions that Tesla and Oppenheimer never got to unleash on the world, all literally at your finger tips.

This information and more is now just a séance away, thanks to the Netherworld Communications Suite: Ouija Board to USB dongle.

How It Works

Our revolutionary breakthroughs in Ouija tracking software enable high precision data to be relayed back into your PC in real time, for accurate answers to any question. This data is then logged in our proprietary Underworld Netherbase™, for later retrieval and analysis.

With over 1,001 built in graphs (including my personal favourite: Radar Graphs) and a list of sample questions so detailed that the Clairvoyant Union National Treasury Syndication is suing us, and the Séance Analyser 2005 can help you build your business today!!!

But Wait, There is More

As part of our Séance Analyser 2005 suite, for all séances that prove inconclusive, our Séance Re-creatordex (v1.9.23) can recreate the exact positioning of the planchette to the millimeter and nansecond, allowing you to re-analyse séance data to the fine-grained detail that all smart marketers need. No longer will a yes / no answer be unclear or ambiguous, with Séance Recreatordex, you can pinpoint exactly what the answer was, to the nanometer with an accuracy to 999 decimal places.

Hurry, Limitted Release

We are offering a limitted number now for order to loyal ISoS reaaders. Please email us a 750-760 word essay outlining your desire to purchase this revolutionary product. But hurry, this is an initial offer only, and due to a range of issues, we may never put this product into mass production.

ISoS launch 100% Accurate Keyword Research Tool

Tired of getting dodgy keyword totals? Can't make a decision when Oveture and Wordtracker don't agree? Need 100% accuracy or you are paralysed by the fear of making a mistake?

NEVER FEAR, ISoS IS HERE.

Smart marketers need better tools, and after years of complaints about the state of current keyword research tools, we have decided to release our proprietary Ultra Keyword Accuracy Guru (v1.01 Beta).

This tool, unlike all the competitors, only returns results that are 100% accurate. Yes, you read that right: 100% Accurate Keyword numbers.

ISoS have combed the Earth, and even used our patent pending Netherworld communication Ouija Board to USB dongle, to come up with an answer that is absolutely, positively, 100% accurate. No guess as to the number of searches, no vagueness in the data, nothing but 100% accuracy!!!

Try it out now on your keywords!!!

Totals for:

Even More Advanced Link Strategies

In response to our enormously popular Trapezoidal Linking Matriflux™, a large number of people have asked for other advanced link building ideas designed to give you the edge in the linking war TODAY.

We here at ISoS listen to our readership, and in response have put together a new eBook: Super Advanced, Mega Effective, Hyper Algo-Busting Link Strategies For The Über-Ultra-Intellectual Search Marketer. This eBook contains 199 link building Secrets that are easy, proven and effective, and the Engines don't want you to know about them.

"But are the ideas really that good" we hear you ask. Don't take our word for it, read the FREE excerpt from Chapter XLIV below and make up your own mind!

We must warn you though: this eBook is not for the novice. In fact, the ideas it contains are so advanced we can't offer it for sale publically, and you need to email us a 1,500 word essay proving that you are ready for the explosive secrets Super Advanced, Mega Effective, Hyper Algo-Busting Link Strategies For The Über-Ultra-Intellectual Search Marketer contains.

But enough sales talk, on with the sample chapter:

Committing Crimes for Links: How Smart Marketers Work The Press For Links
Many people are afraid of jail. They have seen movies such as The Green Mile, watched Oz on television and think how terrible it would be to be jailed. As such, they choose to abide by the law.

How wrong they are, and how many easy links these people miss out on!!!

Smart marketers have for a long time realised that Crime does pay: IN LINKS!!! Buckets and Bucket loads of links.

Which Crimes Should I Commit
So often, people ask us what crimes they should commit. That really depends upon your target audience, the reward and the time you will have to do when caught.

Firstly, think White collar. You don't want Michael Jackson or OJ style notoriety, you want links and the inevitable consequence that follows: PROFIT. Something like what Rumsfield did with Halliburton is ideal, or what Martha Stewart got busted for.

And haven't Martha's links gone through the roof? And to think, no fear of Hilltop or TSPR for Martha, as many links are from good, quality, trusted resources, many with high PageRanks, and all spread across multiple IP ranges and C Blocks, with varying anchor text.

You can't get much more trusted than CNN, and Martha's questionable tactics have paid off massively in the only currency that maters: LINKS. Sure, she got jail time, but the LINKS and subsequent PROFITS will help pay for lawyers to keep her out of jail. And even if she does time, in four years it will all be forgotten, but Martha will still have all those links!

Local Crimes For A Local Audience
The next factor in your choice is your audience. If you serve mostly a local market, something small and local makes sense. Doing something like 150mph in a school zone while drunk or high on prescription drugs (to improve your defence) is sure to get you a ton of links from the local press. You may even jag a national press link from a major news outlet like the NY Times if you are lucky and it is a slow news day. As the NY Times feeds many smaller sites, this one story can often get you even more links.

If, however, you are in a competitive global or national market, then committing a crime of national importance can get you the right coverage. White Collar insider trading is a great way to get links, especially for listed companies as the likes of Yahoo Finance and the various market wraps are forced to link to you.

Changing Your Name To Your Primary Keywords
While smart marketers commit crimes, the Über-Ultra-Intellectual change their names by deed pole to include their target keywords, ensuring them of even more publicity.

Can you imagine what Headlines like "Buy-Cheap-Viagra-Online-at-imaginarypharmacy.com Found Guilty" will do for your business? Even better, there is no need to worry about anchor text when your name includes your target keywords!

There is, of course, some debate as to whether dashes, underscores or runningwordstogether is better. From our research, we can say categorically that dashes are an absolute must. Regulators, it seems, don't like underscores, but are comfortable with hyphens, e.g. Catherine Zeta-Jones. Newspaper sub-editors, as well, prefer dashes, as it ensures that headlines wrap, thus ensuring your name is used, and not some insult like "Goose", "Idiot" or "halfwit", which is likely for many local crimes. For these reasons, we can't stress strongly enough the use of dashes over anything else when changing your name.

So there you have it, PROFIT is just a misdemeanour away for Über-Ultra-Intellectual Search Marketer. In the next chapter, we go into more detail about how to choose a lawyer that can get you off, and the top 10 crimes to commit. For those Über-Ultra-Intellectual Search Marketers that are already implementing this strategy, you can skip straight to Chapter XLVI: Death, The Darwin Awards and Links: Making Your Death Work For You.

Ready to Buy?
Are you ready to buy? If not, ask yourself this: will my competitor buy, and if so, will I ever be able to catch up?

Remember, this eBook is so advanced we can't offer it for sale publically. You need to email us with a 1,500 word essay as to why you are advanced enough to receive the explosive secrets this Super Advanced, Mega Effective, Hyper Algo-Busting Link Strategies For The Über-Ultra-Intellectual Search Marketer contains.

Study Shows: White Hats Not More Pure, Just More Sanctimonious

In a report commissioned by the newly founded UPONG, it has been discovered that, far from being better, more pure or even more 'ethical' or 'professional', many white hats were simply more sanctimonious.

It would appear there is an inverse relationship between the number of times a person types the word 'ethical' and their actual ethics. The whiter a hat claims to be, the more bluff and bluster.

"We were, quite frankly, shocked by this result", acting El Presidente Micheal Motherwell said. "However, despite being our lead off fact, we really can't confirm this result, as there were a large number of responses from one IP address, using the user agent BlackHatSEODestroyerSurveyBot (v1.1), for this question only. Unfortunately, we couldn't isolate these due to technical difficulties and, to be fair, a general laziness from our IT team."

The research uncovered a number of other interesting facts, including:

• Black Hats Less Sexy

Black hats, despite reputations otherwise, were only 87.6% as sexy as white hats, who in turn were 96.4% as sexy as Greys.

"This really was an oddity", Motherwell said. "Neither side is particularly attractive, to be sure, but for Black Hats, this must surely be really disturbing news. One can only hope the Home Shopping Network has a treadmill special sometime soon, or Froogle even."


• Black Hats Not Funny, Just Nasty

"The funny factor, rated out of 7, was also a shock", UPONG Senior Infrastructure Administrator Scottie Claiborne commented. "For so long, the Black Hats' acerbic wit was assummed to be far superior to White Hats sanctimony, but it appears that Black Hats, far from having wit, acerbic or otherwise, are often simply rude."

UPONG data was conclusive on this, El Presidente Motherwell said, mentioning that "despite the plethora of amusing Black Hats, it was mostly the Greys that people thought were truly funny." Although he did mention that research revealed that "...many white hats are funny purely by accident, often to the point at which the R in ROFL is literal".


• Grey Hats Boring Forum Debaters

Perhaps the most eyebrow raising result showed that 94.3% of all respondants listed Grey hats, despite solid Funny Factor scores, as the least enjoyable to debate with. "Repondants didn't want well considered, even thoughtful, posts. They wanted to see people getting behind a cause or crusade with illogical abandon. They wanted bluster, the crazy calling for blood, the 'unjustifiable' arguments and the rhetoric. All sorely lacking in Grey Hats according to our research."


• Username and Avatar Often Misleading

"No one was really surprised by this result", Scottie said. "With a few notable exceptions, most forum names and posters who seem intimidating, are really just guys who play a lot of video games. Of course, for every toughseodestroyer that is really a stay at home dad with kittens, there is at least one innocuously named member on the point of psychosis, so YMMV."

The report also found that users who include the word "expert" as part of their forum name are typically the greenest of newbies. The word "guru" showed a similar trend.


• All Colour Hats Unacceptable to Vogue Editors

Despite the hats being a regular part of the SEM wardrobe, Vogue editors called the SEM hats "bland" in a recent best dressed industry list. "Sure, black is slimming, and White is very hot right now", Vogue's Australian Editor N.O.Treal said. "But honestly, who in their right mind wears grey? And the Hat choice! 10 Gallon is just so 2003 outside the Gay community. That is why the SEM community received just 1/2 a star, and won Vogue's Worst Dressed Industry Award, 2005".


• Organic SERPs 10% Less Nutritious Than Newspaper Ads

"This we never expected", Motherwell said. "Organic, for so long the calling card of the yuppie and food concious, was found to be less nutritious than Newspaper Ads. That said, TV ads were 10% less Nutricious again, so that kind of puts this result in perspective."


• Full Report Available Online

In perhaps the biggest shock of all, the UPONG SEM Survey is available for everyone to download, member or not. El Presidente remarked that "...this isn't really a legal requirement for UPONG, what with us being an imaginary organisation and all, but we just felt it would set a good example that the real Orgs could follow."

Indeed it does.

To download the report, click here. To complain about this Blog post or survey, click here.

Press Release: Underpanters Get Own Trade Group

Hot on the heels of SEMPO and SMA-NA, the Underpanters now have their own organisation: Underpanter Professionals and Openly Naked Guild, aka UPONG.

Dedicated to serving Underpanters unique needs, UPONG's goal is to unite the Underpanters of the SEM community, a group long shunned and overlooked by mainstream organisations, and provide them with tools designed to help spotlight the industry.

The goals of the group are simple, according to founding president, Michael Motherwell. "Our goal is to take the great SEM unwashed, the Underpanters, and represent them when and where no one else will, to stand up for their rights to sit around in their undies (or less) and do what they do best, without the need to resort to clothes."

Mr Motherwell said that the unique work conditions and environment of Underpanters made them as a group ripe, often for victimisation, by those who "...scrub up better but usually provide lesser results".

"'Mainstream' organisations", Mr Motherwell added, "all too often try to stamp out Underpanters. This sort of discrimination is based on a false belief that no one can do serious work wearing something as revealing as boxers." This was, he said, patently untrue, and Mr Motherwell listed high performance, a high level of support and a results driven culture as the key differentiators of Underpanters. "UPONG will be the voice of Underpanters", he said, and will conduct research that showed that Underpanters are "...usually cutting edge, and far more effective than their over-dressed brethren".

The task of uniting Underpanters will, Mr Motherwell admits, be quite hard due to "...Underpanters unwillingness to venture out into the sunlight." This aversion to sun will, in fact, be "...a core part of the organisations goals, with meetings to be conducted via forums and/or group chat, thus negating the need to put on clothes or, indeed, shower".

To join UPONG, prospective members must meet only one requirement: they must work either in their undies or Birthday suit (Openly Nakeds). In the past, this has been a sticky point in the Underpanter community, with Openly Nakeds often claiming not to belong to the same industry. "Although I prefer others to wear Underpants as I have an over active imagination", Mr Motherwell said, "the raging debate and schism between Underpanters and the Openly Naked is one UPONG chooses not to participate in. UPONG will continue to work for the betterment of both groups and the industry as a whole, and will not force members to choose either dress code. While many want to see the long debated Code of Dress Ethics implemented, this is not a part of the UPONG charter nor on the short-term UPONG radar. However, if members want it, they are welcome to join and vote for it"

UPONG's first meeting will take place in the next few weeks, and is open to underpanters the world over or, as Mr Motherwell put it, "Seppos, Whinging Pom, Euro Trash, sheep #^%$^%$# Kiwi... all are welcome to join UPONG".

To register your interest in UPONG and to receive details and updates,email UPONG with your contact details.

PS: this may provide some with valuable context for some.

<update>UPONG now have an official logo: This logo, we feel, unites the Openly Naked and Underpanters under a common flag.</update>

Linking Secrets Of The Ultra-Rich

Recipricol links failing you? Triangular links losing their power? Even power linking strategies like the Link Pyramidal Geodecence looking frail?

Wondering what a Mom and Pop site owner do compete now that Google has callously stopped almost every effective link scheme in a cynical attempt to drive up AdWords spend? What can we do to save Mom and Pop from starving?

Never fear, after months of detailed analysis, our researches in India's largest SEO research facility, utilising data scraped from thousands of sites, has uncovered a shocking fact: Modern link strategies are failing us.

We Have The Solution: our Indian SEO research facilities have uncovered the single biggest secret smart marketers have been waiting for: the Trapezoidal Linking Matriflux™. Cunningly simple, yet complicated to the point of being convoluted, the Trapezoidal Linking Matriflux™ secrets will evolutionise the way you link today.

How It Works
The following diagram depicts the Trapazoidal Linking Matriflux™ in simple to understand terms:


As you can see, this is a ludicrously simple setup, and with its emphasis on a mixture of PageRank's, C blocks and anchor text, creates a link structure that is almost undetectable. We can not guarantee it, but this is as close as you can get to Stealth Linking® short of employing proprietary, industrial strength stealth technologies.

For more information on this revolutionary proprietary breakthrough, email us to obtain details on purchasing our Trapazoidal Linking Matriflux™ eBook, with step by step instruction to a number one ranking, for the introductory price of US$9.95 TODAY.

But hurry, this offer is only available to the first 1,000,000 people that apply.