Posts filed under 'UPONG'
With the release of their latest product, everyone’s favourite imaginary organisaton, UPONG, have achieved a world’s first: the first ever release of an Ironic product.
“As an organisation dedicated to Underpanters and Openly Nakeds, we decided that the obvious choice of clothing to release (undies or a thong / G String), just wasn’t our style”, El Presidente Motherwell said. “No obvious product release here. Oh no. Nothing so painstakingly linear. We mixed it up. We went all Artsy and Avant Garde on you. You could even say we have broken new ground for imaginary organisations anywhere. That’s right, we did it: we released a T-Shirt. Bet you didn’t see that coming now, did you, eh?”
But it wasn’t all humour value and pretentious posturing that made the decision a no-brainer.
“Oh hell no”, Motherwell claimed in a shocked and slightly hurt voice. “Look, sure, we all sit around in various levels of undressedness skanking it up, but even UPONG hardliners accept that, on rare occasion, we have to go out into the Real World v1.0 (although we still can’t believe the big Fella let it out of beta with such poor QA and glaringly obvious flaws). And lets get real for a moment: a T-Shirt, especially one with an undie waving smilie, is sexy as all heck, and just plain makes for some good, quality Formal Wear.”
Unlike the usual ISoS product launches, that are simply too sophisticated to be trusted in the hands of most people, the UPONG T-Shirt is actually available for purchase, without requiring an essay.
“After so many Ãœber secret, mega-record busting, hyper complicated and ridiculously powerful product launches, we just felt the time was right to launch something mainstream, and give back to those less fortunate”, Motherwell condescended.
“In the end, we just felt that, despite being made of high tech materials and being all like space age and stuff, a T-Shirt was something that even Joe Noob could be trusted to operate within design specifications”, El Presidente lectured.
UPONG plan to sell the T-Shirts to raise money for unspecified reasons, with Motherwell adding:
“There is absoultely no truth to the rumours I am receiving payment for my work with UPONG. None at all. Not even a hint of truth. Not one dollar do I receive. Not a single cent. Heck, not even a brass razoo. Not even close. No UPONGate here people. Nothing to see. Move along.
“It truly is a labour of love”, Motherwell exulted. “I sit here in my undies cause I love it. That and cause it is Spring here. I absolutely do not do it because I get any financial return, and I want that stated categorically and for the record. Read my lips, no new UPONG stipends.
“Why, what have you heard anyway?? Did Scottie say something? She did, didn’t she? She said something? Scottie blabbed didn’t she? Last time I tell her anything, the blabberer…”
So get your Ironic, Avant Garde UPONG T-Shirt today before… well, before… oh just go buy one cheapskate!
<update>In response to calls from Underpanters wishing to distance themselves from the openly nakeds, especially on clothing, a small UPONG splinter group has released a rival T-shirt: http://www.cafepress.com/upong.33797897.
El Presidente in no way endorses this movement, although he does support diversity and choice, and members rights to hold contrary, none UPONG endorsed views.</update>
October 14th, 2005
In a report commissioned by the newly founded UPONG, it has been discovered that, far from being better, more pure or even more ‘ethical’ or ‘professional’, many white hats were simply more sanctimonious.
It would appear there is an inverse relationship between the number of times a person types the word ‘ethical’ and their actual ethics. The whiter a hat claims to be, the more bluff and bluster.
“We were, quite frankly, shocked by this result”, acting El Presidente Micheal Motherwell said. “However, despite being our lead off fact, we really can’t confirm this result, as there were a large number of responses from one IP address, using the user agent BlackHatSEODestroyerSurveyBot (v1.1), for this question only. Unfortunately, we couldn’t isolate these due to technical difficulties and, to be fair, a general laziness from our IT team.”
The research uncovered a number of other interesting facts, including:
- Black Hats Less Sexy
Black hats, despite reputations otherwise, were only 87.6% as sexy as white hats, who in turn were 96.4% as sexy as Greys.
“This really was an oddity”, Motherwell said. “Neither side is particularly attractive, to be sure, but for Black Hats, this must surely be really disturbing news. One can only hope the Home Shopping Network has a treadmill special sometime soon, or Froogle even.”
- Black Hats Not Funny, Just Nasty
“The funny factor, rated out of 7, was also a shock”, UPONG Senior Infrastructure Administrator Scottie Claiborne commented. “For so long, the Black Hats’ acerbic wit was assummed to be far superior to White Hats sanctimony, but it appears that Black Hats, far from having wit, acerbic or otherwise, are often simply rude.”
UPONG data was conclusive on this, El Presidente Motherwell said, mentioning that “despite the plethora of amusing Black Hats, it was mostly the Greys that people thought were truly funny.” Although he did mention that research revealed that “…many white hats are funny purely by accident, often to the point at which the R in ROFL is literal”.
- Grey Hats Boring Forum Debaters
Perhaps the most eyebrow raising result showed that 94.3% of all respondants listed Grey hats, despite solid Funny Factor scores, as the least enjoyable to debate with. “Repondants didn’t want well considered, even thoughtful, posts. They wanted to see people getting behind a cause or crusade with illogical abandon. They wanted bluster, the crazy calling for blood, the ‘unjustifiable’ arguments and the rhetoric. All sorely lacking in Grey Hats according to our research.”
- Username and Avatar Often Misleading
“No one was really surprised by this result”, Scottie said. “With a few notable exceptions, most forum names and posters who seem intimidating, are really just guys who play a lot of video games. Of course, for every toughseodestroyer that is really a stay at home dad with kittens, there is at least one innocuously named member on the point of psychosis, so YMMV.”
The report also found that users who include the word “expert” as part of their forum name are typically the greenest of newbies. The word “guru” showed a similar trend.
- All Colour Hats Unacceptable to Vogue Editors
Despite the hats being a regular part of the SEM wardrobe, Vogue editors called the SEM hats “bland” in a recent best dressed industry list. “Sure, black is slimming, and White is very hot right now”, Vogue’s Australian Editor N.O.Treal said. “But honestly, who in their right mind wears grey? And the Hat choice! 10 Gallon is just so 2003 outside the Gay community. That is why the SEM community received just 1/2 a star, and won Vogue’s Worst Dressed Industry Award, 2005″.
- Organic SERPs 10% Less Nutritious Than Newspaper Ads
“This we never expected”, Motherwell said. “Organic, for so long the calling card of the yuppie and food concious, was found to be less nutritious than Newspaper Ads. That said, TV ads were 10% less Nutricious again, so that kind of puts this result in perspective.”
- Full Report Available Online
In perhaps the biggest shock of all, the UPONG SEM Survey is available for everyone to download, member or not. El Presidente remarked that “…this isn’t really a legal requirement for UPONG, what with us being an imaginary organisation and all, but we just felt it would set a good example that the real Orgs could follow.”
Indeed it does.
To download the report, click here. To complain about this Blog post or survey, click here.
October 14th, 2005
Hot on the heels of SEMPO and SMA-NA, the Underpanters now have their own organisation: Underpanter Professionals and Openly Naked Guild, aka UPONG.
Dedicated to serving Underpanters unique needs, UPONG’s goal is to unite the Underpanters of the SEM community, a group long shunned and overlooked by mainstream organisations, and provide them with tools designed to help spotlight the industry.
The goals of the group are simple, according to founding president, Michael Motherwell. “Our goal is to take the great SEM unwashed, the Underpanters, and represent them when and where no one else will, to stand up for their rights to sit around in their undies (or less) and do what they do best, without the need to resort to clothes.”
Mr Motherwell said that the unique work conditions and environment of Underpanters made them as a group ripe, often for victimisation, by those who “…scrub up better but usually provide lesser results”.
“‘Mainstream’ organisations”, Mr Motherwell added, “all too often try to stamp out Underpanters. This sort of discrimination is based on a false belief that no one can do serious work wearing something as revealing as boxers.” This was, he said, patently untrue, and Mr Motherwell listed high performance, a high level of support and a results driven culture as the key differentiators of Underpanters. “UPONG will be the voice of Underpanters”, he said, and will conduct research that showed that Underpanters are “…usually cutting edge, and far more effective than their over-dressed brethren”.
The task of uniting Underpanters will, Mr Motherwell admits, be quite hard due to “…Underpanters unwillingness to venture out into the sunlight.” This aversion to sun will, in fact, be “…a core part of the organisations goals, with meetings to be conducted via forums and/or group chat, thus negating the need to put on clothes or, indeed, shower”.
To join UPONG, prospective members must meet only one requirement: they must work either in their undies or Birthday suit (Openly Nakeds). In the past, this has been a sticky point in the Underpanter community, with Openly Nakeds often claiming not to belong to the same industry. “Although I prefer others to wear Underpants as I have an over active imagination”, Mr Motherwell said, “the raging debate and schism between Underpanters and the Openly Naked is one UPONG chooses not to participate in. UPONG will continue to work for the betterment of both groups and the industry as a whole, and will not force members to choose either dress code. While many want to see the long debated Code of Dress Ethics implemented, this is not a part of the UPONG charter nor on the short-term UPONG radar. However, if members want it, they are welcome to join and vote for it”
UPONG’s first meeting will take place in the next few weeks, and is open to underpanters the world over or, as Mr Motherwell put it, “Seppos, Whinging Pom, Euro Trash, sheep #^%$^%$# Kiwi… all are welcome to join UPONG“.
To register your interest in UPONG and to receive details and updates,email UPONG with your contact details.
PS: this may provide some with valuable context for some.
<update>UPONG now have an official logo: 
This logo, we feel, unites the Openly Naked and Underpanters under a common flag.</update>
October 14th, 2005
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