Posts filed under 'UPONG'
“Credibility: once you know how to fake it, you got it made.”
The lead off statement from a new get rich quick scheme? No, it is the the tag line for a new product released today by everyone’s favourite fictional organisation, UPONG.
Credibility: once you know how to fake it, you got it made
|
“For so long”, newly imagined UPONG El Presidente Terry Wrist started his long winded rant. “I have clearly been amonsgt the top 25 bestestest SEOs worldwide. OK OK OK, maybe that is stretching it. I am at least the amongst the best 25 in New Zealand. No, no, tell a lie. That is probably a stretch. I am certainly amongst the best 25 in Aukland. Anyhoo, as I was saying, I am clearly amongst the top 25 SEOs in a region that I haven’t yet defined. The problem is, how do I show that to the unsuspecting suckers potential customers that visit my site? I can’t, and that really {EXPLETIVES REMOVED}es me right off.”
As such, Terry’s first task when imagined elected into office was to instigate the new UPONG programme: the UPONG Seal Of Excellence™ program.
“This is exactly the sort of bogus, BS award that the SEM/O community has been crying out for”, Terry Said. “For so long, bogus internet awards have been the sole domain of the web design community. And while the Web Design fraternity has been handing out awards willy nilly, to all manner of {EXPLETIVES REMOVED} sites built by {EXPLETIVES REMOVED} designers, we in the SEM/O communtiy have had diddly, as in squat.”
But no longer. Finally, with this revolutionary step forward, possible only because of the the intestinal fortitude and vision of UPONG, the SEO/M community has an award / rating system of its own that it can proudly display and use to validate the smallest and the largest SEO/M firms amongst us to Joe Searcher how truly 1337 we are.”
UPONG reports that the new certification has been extrememly well received by the community. “Embraced is the word I would use”, Terry said, with sales claimed to have been “bullish”.
“SEO/M firms can’t get enough of this”, Terry said. “Already, UPONG have sold 73 of the top 25 wordwide firm certificates, and over 100 over the top 5 country certificates, with 77 in India alone. We feel that demand will remain strong worldwide in the last quarter of ‘06, and that the individualised, country specific top 5 certificates are an underdeveloped market waiting to be exploited scammed capitalised serviced.”
But it doesn’t stop there. On no. What use is a rating if it can not be independontly* (sic) verified? Little or none.
That is why UPONG have used the powerfully credible authority site that is isos to validate all listings. A page hosted by isos provides third party verification clearly showing that ab firm is indeed rated highly, to really ram home how prestigious these certificates are. By merely linking to a specified file on the isos site, the rating is instantly verifiable to anyone with a left clickable mouse, which according to our data is 97% of internet users.”
Of course, cost is always an issue. Thankfully, UPONG have kept costs to a minimum, and these industry leading accreditation and ranking certificates can be purchased online right now for the grand sum of US$25 for a top 25 worldwide rating, and/or the bargain basement price of only US$15 to be a top 5 rated firm in your country / area of choice.
To register your interest in this unbelievable product, please fill in the details below, and you will be presented with a certificate on the spot.
Independontly means we can say for sure they paid us.
August 24th, 2006
Sometimes, a brilliant and insightful idea is ditched because of “creative differences” between me, myself and occasionally Scottie. I relented to myself on this one, but have regretted it ever since. That is why I am releasing a “Director’s Cut” version of the classic post: “Keyword Density Of Sandbox Articles Apparently Proportional To Density Of Authors“.
Compare and see which one you, our ever growing number of quasi-interested readers, prefer. isos: taking vanity blogs to a whole nuther level!
——————————————————————————————————–
UPONG, in a continuation of their stated goal of doing cutting edge SEO market research and intelligence to provide more of the research
UPONG members couldn’t be arsed doing for a public that couldn’t care less, has revealed the first extensive study into articles on the so called Google Sandbox phenomenon.
| Overall Issues |
Score |
| Average Originality of thought |
2.67 |
| Average Deviation From Norm |
0.34 |
| Average Reading Age of Articles: |
8.47 |
| Statistical validity of Theories |
3.42% |
“So many articles are written on this contentious issue”, El Presidente Michael said. “and we at UPONG felt that, while the world didn’t need Yet Another Sandbox Theory (YAST for short), it sure as s#$@ needed an analysis of all the so called analysis. And I think you will agree, the results are shocking. ”
The fictional study, utilising cutting edge imaginary tools that analyse the form, structure and original content of articles, including running the articles through anti-plagiarism software and word matrix generators, the UPONG survey, titled “The Industry With One Brain And Far Too Much Bandwidth”, unveiled shocking trends.
“Unbelievably”, Michael said, “the average originality of thought is so low as to be almost non-existent. The plagiarism algorithms that we ran the articles through showed a strong likelihood of plagiarism in close to 98% of all articles. At first, we put this down to syndication or perhaps a few DMCA violations, but this proved incorrect, as despite their similarity, all articles were original, in so far as being new piece’s of writing. It was just that there was just a complete and utter lack of virtually any original thought.”
What the UPONG also found was a strong correlation in teh use of specific words and types of words. “The patented UPONG Bullshit-o-meter™, a tool we pioneered to detect and out peddlers of BS, man, that tool was flashin’ its lil red light Hollywood B-grade movie access denied style all night long.” .
| Bullshit-o-meter™ Statistical Analysis |
| Term |
OF |
KWD |
| Specific Terms |
| Sandbox |
100.00% |
8.00% |
| Google |
100.00% |
6.00% |
| TrustRank |
83.63% |
4.00% |
| DMOZ |
67.43% |
1.00% |
| Aging delay |
47.63% |
0.76% |
| BS Indicator Terms |
| Proven |
99.76% |
2.65% |
| Unknown |
0.00% |
0.00% |
| Possibly / Possible |
0.00% |
0.00% |
| Absolute |
90.83% |
2.06% |
| comprehensive research |
12.89% |
2.06% |
| Commercial Indicator Terms |
| Free |
67.08% |
2.06% |
| eBook report |
18.49% |
1.86% |
The Bullshit-o-meter™ was going nuts because its statistical analysis of words known to be frequently utilised by scamsters, as well as common phrasings and exaggerated claims, encountered many irregularities.
“Looking at the data”, Michael continued, “you will see that several terms are overused, many others are hideously under-used, and some that should have been present simply were not used at all.”
Particularly surprising, according to UPONG’s press release, was the almost complete lack of doubt, or almost anything that was less than absolute certainty.
“No one used the word ‘possible’ / ‘possibly’. Amazing. A theory without the word ‘possible’ is like a fat man sans man boobs. Unheard of! Either the SEO community has no idea how to do research or present ideas, or they are so advanced in their reverse engineering that issues such as detailed research and doubt are simply superfluous. Whatever it is, that level of confidence has to be admired, if nothing else!”
This research has, however, lead to a several criticisms, including a stinging rebuttal from vocal UPONG critique and isos regular Michael Motherwell.
“It is like I said to myself when I hatched this idea”, chief UPONG critique Michael Motherwell commented. “Fictional research debunking crap articles that itself employs no research is a very poor basis for an article, even if it is supreme irony. And those tables, they are just sooooo bland and lack creativity and flair. They just scream Web 1.0!
“IMHO, to make this idea funny, the least UPONG needed to do was research, for two seconds, some complicated terms related to Information Retrieval (IR for those in the know). That would at least have given the gag some weight.
“That is not to say that the central theme isn’t still a good one. Not at all. The idea that all these sandbox theory articles are just snake oil sold by used car salesmen who flunked their bar exam is extremely valid, and this director’s cut proves that isos innovate in ways even I struggle to keep up with, straddling that fine line between pure genius and total insanity.
“It is just that the execution here is just far too lazy and sloppy, and the lack of cutting edge terms that mean nothing but are real is hardly made up for with a stupid radar graph.
“And this final self critique! My God that is such a lazy way to make sure people got the gag, especially when no-one seemed to struggle first time round.
“So, for all these reasons, I will have to judge this the single worst isos mock-u-post so far, providing yet more evidence, following those lame Jeeves songs, that isos has well and truly, without doubt, jumped the shark, and that the heady days of the Trapezoidal Linking Matriflx™ and Netherworld Suite are but a fading memory of a brief period in which isos was almost readable. ”
“Very, very poor work indeed.”
April 6th, 2006
UPONG today offishially launched the first SEM campaign designed to curb the rise of poor grammar online.
“It is appaling”, El Presidente Motherwell said. “I mean the standard of grammar online is just so terrible. Just appallingly badder than anywhere else in the world. We at UPONG believe that good grammar and correct spelling embiggens the smallest man, and that is why we are launch this pogram.”
Chief amongst the problem makers, according to UPONG, is the isos site. “The grammar on isos is lesser than good. In fact, I thinks that the spelling mistake to correct spelling ratio here is amongst the worst online. Sure, Scottie tries to correct the spelling mistakes, but even when she does, I just go back in and add shockers like trak (sic), and I mean, full honest, what is she to do?
“That is why, for the beginning of this campaign”, Motherwell continued, “we are running a competition, the Spellmatical Challenge. The first person that can find over 100 errors on the isos site, which, we believe, represents around 12% of all spelling and grammaritical errors herein, will receive the prize of every single product isos has ever launched!. Unbeleiveable!
“That’s right, you get the Trapezoidal Linking Matriflux™ link building eBook, all the links of the Soul Sellin’ Link Bonanza (SSLB) Program, without the need to sell your soul, the Netherworld Communications Suite: Ouija Board to USB dongle and the accompanying software: Séance Analyser 2005, as well as the eBook Super Advanced, Mega Effective, Hyper Algo-Busting Link Strategies For The Ãœber-Ultra-Intellectual Search Marketer, which is now out of print. This prize package has a value that is incomparable (you get to keep your soul dude, and that is worth Brazilians!) and is perhaps the greatest prize ever offered by a blog.”
But this prize bonanza isn’t the only part of this UPONG initiative. No, sirree Bob. UPONG are also going to “out” poor examples of grammar in online ads and websites.
“It is a thankless task, and we are sure to cop some criticism, especially where the “great grammatical divide”, UK vs US English, is concerned, but UPONG plan to plough ahead and name names anyway. It is, after all, the only way I will learn.”
To get onboard with this excitingly fantabulous program, or to enter the isos Spellmatical Challenge, please email UPONG today.
April 5th, 2006
Next Posts
Previous Posts
