isos is proud to annoucne that we haev won teh prestiogious UPONG Worst Proof Read And Spell Cheked SEM Blog: 2006 award.
“I would like to thank all teh people that made it possible”, prime isos contributor and chief spellign mistake maker Michael Motherwell said. “OK, mostly it is just me, I’kll admit, but still, a lot of pple had a hand in this.
“Firstly, I’d like to thank my Father, who is perhaps the worst spelleriser I haev ever met. I think his ratio of right to wrong is only slightly better than mine, and hsi grammar is truly a thing of wonder.
“Secondly, my mother, an English teacher whose excellence gave me all teh excuse I needed not to excel at Grammar and spellign, as I could always say ‘I will never be as good as mum”.
What ahs made the award all the more impressive is that in late 2005, isos actually installed a spell checker. Despite this fact, teh spellign mistakes and poor grammar have not only contniued unabated, but have actually worsenned.
“Nothing can make me spell better”, Mr Motherwell said. “I am rather fond of ’stream of conciousness’ posting, and if the price of such outstanding work as the Trapezoidal Linking Matriflux™, a misspelling of matrix and trapezoid, is a poorly proof read and misspellings galore, then that is a price I am willing, nay compeeled, to pay.”
Other isos contributors were unavailable for comment on this award, out of a sense of shame one assumes, and this post has not been proof reAZd or spell checked to avoid being labelled hypocritical.
October 5th, 2006
UPONG Treasurer Sarah Emma O’Guru today issued an official statement that states “Danny Sullivan is not joining UPONG as president any time soon.”
“Look, it’s true”, Ms O’Guru said. “It’s very, very true that Danny will shortly be departing the world of suits and seriousness, and is choosing a life that will allow for underpants to be worn or, should he so choose, nakedness. However, we can assure you that UPONG has no intention of selling out to a “turn-in-coater”, the UPONG name for those that abandon suits for their undies, and appointing him a position.
“In UPONG’s opinion, an executive level position with UPONG should be given to a “lifer”, who is dedicated to the lifestyle and its ideals for the long term, not some Johny-come-lately-underdressed, no matter how impecable the credentials.
“UPONG dutifully request that the rampant internet speculation linking Mr Sullivan to a UPONG takeover be stopped forcewith, or we will be forced to pursue legal action.”
September 17th, 2006
UPONG, everyone’s 3rd favourite fictional organisation, today released valuable research outlining the growing incidence of what UPONG refers to as GIV: Google Immunetoranking Virus.
This terrible and potentially financially deadly condition threatens SERP destruction for the unwitting Victims.
“GIV has a large number of symptoms that range from complete disappearance to a reduction in reported links right through to the site appearing to have no pages indexed”, said newly appointed imagined UPONG Treasurer Sarah Emma O’Guru.
“In the last few years,” S.E. O’Guru said, “the number of incidents of GIV has increased dramatically. When the first instances where discovered, in a small group of 12 otherwise healthy and active Homosexual pr0n sites based in New York, we thought it was an isolated occurrence of a bad data push. Since then, the disease has spread to both Africa and India, with Nigerian 419 sites hit particularly hard, with 1 out of every 4 being a sufferer.”
Not much is known of the root cause of the illness, but it appears to be a disease that infects via links. So far, prevention is the only known cure, and the application of a link condom at both ends of a link is vital.
“Without it”, S.E. O’Guru said, “Both sites can potentially fall victim. Worse still, it can take years for the illness to show signs, and seemingly healthy sites can suddenly develop AIGS (Aint Indexed at Google Syndrome). All site owners need to be careful right now, because only one link partner needs to have it, and a whole network of sites can be brought down.”
The saddest stories of all are of the innocent, newly registered baby sites who are born with GIV, due to previous owners callous misuse. For such sites, a superhuman effort may help them last a while, but eventually they fall victim to AIG, and a long, slow, lingering SERP death, bereft of traffic.
The UPONG research also turned up several illnesses related to, and often misdiagnosed as, GIV.
One such illness, referred to as Assburger Syndrome, is a disease that affects many people. This illness is characterised by a misunderstanding of how Search Engines work, and a subsequent obsessive watching of one keyword, reloaded every ten minutes or so, for signs of ranking improvement. Assburger sufferers also exhibit an increasing anti-social lifestyle, predicated upon finding “patterns” in SERPs that no one else can see.
“Assburgers”, S.E. O’Guru told isos. “Is an all too common affliction that affects many wannabe online business owners. The only real cure is to get these people away from there computers and out socialising, where they can start to achieve real, demonstrable improvements in their lives.”
The second illness often mistakenly diagnosed as GIV was Enserpalitis. This disease is characterised by a swelling of rankings for a brief period of time, with a subsequent return to normal traffic and ranking levels shortly thereafter. Such bouts leave the sufferer unrealistically hopeful and reliant upon the traffic, and can lead to massive monetary loses when the rankings and traffic subside to more realistic levels.
UPONG treasurer S.E. O’Guru said that UPONG are committed to not only cataloguing such illnesses, but also actively working towards a cure. “At this time, the talented and brilliant people in our underground SEO bunker are researching potential coding solutions that we feel may delay, and in some cases reverse, the effects of GIV. One hopeful technology is IPv6 research, which we feel may offer greater flexibility and resistance to the IPv4 dieasses. Until then, prevention is the only cure, and link condoms are the absolute bare minimum of protection required, with link abstinence a more effective, and much safer, option.”
September 5th, 2006
