After a recent spate of articles deriding the snarky, nasty nature of the SEM blogotrapezoid, UPONG President S.E. O’Guru has been forced to issue a press release setting the record straight. UPONG claims that the popular organisation is, in fact, the first SEM body to start “getting its hate on”, according to Mr O’Guru.
“We hated first”, S.E. O’Guru told isos. “We were so totally first that not only did we start the hate, but we commented ‘FIRST’ in the comments. This shows yet again what a pioneering institution UPONG is, and how totally ahead of the game we are.”
Asked to support these claims, Mr O’Guru said “Look at the name, man. It is exclusory. We don’t take just anyone, and we hate on anyone that isn’t one of ‘us’. And hate fully isn’t even a strong enough word. Super-mega-ultra-inflaminate-destroyify is closer to the mark, and even that only describes 3/8s of my rage and hatred.”
And why did Mr O’Guru choose now to make this statement?
“Because hate has become such a bandwagon, it makes me sick. Everyone now thinks they are soooo original when they say things like so and so sux, or so and so licks such and such’s rude parts. UPONG just needed to set the record straight, and demonstrate yet again that UPONG, as with all SEM initiatives, was first. First with a capital go F yourself. And we wanted to let all those people claiming the hate is widespread know where to fire their missles of rage, because we are so ready for you. Take your best shot, I double dare you!”
Here at isos, we’ve been ruminating about how to contribute to the growth of online marketing. There have been plenty of fancy studies done that demonstrate the financial advantages of search marketing for branding, visibility, usability and reputation management. We’ve put up a pretty business-savvy front to woo the affections of marketing managers of small, medium, large and ultrasuperüber large enterprises. So what’s the next step? How do we grab more attention?
Come on people, we work online. We know what gets those eyes onto a page. It’s sex, of course. And with that in mind, isos, in conjunction with UPONG (a pretty sexy concept, if you ask me) and inspired by that Justin Hikingboot person, hereby announce that 2007 will be the year that we bring Sexy back to Search.
No more white hat/black hat nonsense. Hats aren’t sexy unless there’s a sexy head in them, and let’s be frank — very few of us have sexy heads. Maybe if we washed our hair now and then… but that’s asking rather a lot, I’d say. From this moment on, we will proudly and provocatively identify ourselves and our professional methodology by the color of our thongs. And at conferences, we will be sure to pull them up on our hips so that their color is visible to anyone checking us out.
And “organic” SEO? It’s a pleasant thought, I suppose, but it’s not very accurate. What’s organic about a search engine’s algorithm? Nothing, that’s what. And besides, the concept of organic SEO makes me think of geeks in overalls and straw hats spreading manure all over their computers. That’s not the picture we want to promote. When I think of getting that top spot on a SERP, I think of something quite a bit more pleasurable, so henceforth, the term “organic SEO” is to be replaced with “orgasmic SEX”.
We’re not pretending that this will be easy. Obviously, we’re putting ourselves into direct competition with people who’ve been using this terminology for a long time. But the benefits are just too much to pass up, and I know we can succeed.
We don’t need surveys of marketing managers. We don’t need ROI statistics. What we need is video of Paris Hilton saying something like “Search marketing… that’s hot.”
Hot on the heals of the most active month in UPONG history, UPONG treasurer S.E. O’Guru today announced the latest UPONG offering: the UPONG SEO Bigger Brother Progam®.
“It is so hard for new comers to get a leg up in Search”, New PR person Manuel Submision said. ‘So very, very hard. As caring, compassionate people, we at UPONG, after hearing our record equalling 100,00th post on an SEO forum by a distressed newcomer, UPONG decided that the only solution was to launch an SEo bigger Borther program.”
The system is simple, yet effective. High PageRank, establihed sites take oevr a bigger SEO Borther role for smaller sites, offerring the valuable links they need to ge started, and also openning up the new site’s eyes top the big bad world of SEO.
The first few matches have started this week, with resutls described as “encouraging” by Mr Submission.
“It is early days just yet, but if we all work together, we can create teh sort of Internet Utopia that so many have deamed of for years.”
Lofty goals, but if anyone can pull it off, UPONG can.
NB: The UPONG SEO Bigger Brother Progam® is currently not accepting new little brothers into the program. To register your interest, please enter your details below. We do, however, have a limitted number of spots available for Bigger Brothers, so please, fill in your details below, and indicate which type you are interested in.
