Having yet again failed to secure a Semmy nomination, isos staff writer Claus, Santa went Cyber-postal today.
“It was brutal”, said an unnamed isos staff member. “Santa was literally going nuts. Well, OK, not LITERALLY nuts. I mean, he isn’t a pistachio as we speak. But he did go cyber-postal FTW.”
Details are sketchy, but Santa, apparently incessed that his comedic return to the hillarious and wildly popular quasi-annual mailbox series didn’t garner a SEMMY nomination, sent the following email to all@insearchofstuff.com:
F%$#@ making a list and checking it twice, those motherf%^$%^%$^ers can go %$#$ themselves if they think one Santa Q Claus is going to sit around and get ^%$^ed in the &^%^& again by those ^%R^%R over @ the Semmys. They can go. ^&$%. Them. Selves.
And don’t give the fat man that BS about accidentallying his nomination. Santa don’t buy that at all.
Be warned Semmys: Santa is gonna bring the heat and go cyber-postal on your a$$3$. And that heat is gonna burn. Burn like unwashed hands on genitalia after cutting chillies. BURN, BABY, BURN.
The cyber-postalism got so bad late Monday night that cyber-negotiators were bought in to talk Santa down via Twitter. After getting the fail whale, ICQ also failed when Santa turned Trillian off, and a request to see his online presence on Skype was blocked, ultimately forcing negotiators into the indignity, lagginess and downright lameness of gmail chat.
Negotiations are continuing, but negotiators say they aren’t terribly optimistic of a result, being “… one closed tab away from oblivion”.
isos will keep you informed of developments as they unfold.
After a recent spate of articles deriding the snarky, nasty nature of the SEM blogotrapezoid, UPONG President S.E. O’Guru has been forced to issue a press release setting the record straight. UPONG claims that the popular organisation is, in fact, the first SEM body to start “getting its hate on”, according to Mr O’Guru.
“We hated first”, S.E. O’Guru told isos. “We were so totally first that not only did we start the hate, but we commented ‘FIRST’ in the comments. This shows yet again what a pioneering institution UPONG is, and how totally ahead of the game we are.”
Asked to support these claims, Mr O’Guru said “Look at the name, man. It is exclusory. We don’t take just anyone, and we hate on anyone that isn’t one of ‘us’. And hate fully isn’t even a strong enough word. Super-mega-ultra-inflaminate-destroyify is closer to the mark, and even that only describes 3/8s of my rage and hatred.”
And why did Mr O’Guru choose now to make this statement?
“Because hate has become such a bandwagon, it makes me sick. Everyone now thinks they are soooo original when they say things like so and so sux, or so and so licks such and such’s rude parts. UPONG just needed to set the record straight, and demonstrate yet again that UPONG, as with all SEM initiatives, was first. First with a capital go F yourself. And we wanted to let all those people claiming the hate is widespread know where to fire their missles of rage, because we are so ready for you. Take your best shot, I double dare you!”
Here at isos, we’ve been ruminating about how to contribute to the growth of online marketing. There have been plenty of fancy studies done that demonstrate the financial advantages of search marketing for branding, visibility, usability and reputation management. We’ve put up a pretty business-savvy front to woo the affections of marketing managers of small, medium, large and ultrasuperüber large enterprises. So what’s the next step? How do we grab more attention?
Come on people, we work online. We know what gets those eyes onto a page. It’s sex, of course. And with that in mind, isos, in conjunction with UPONG (a pretty sexy concept, if you ask me) and inspired by that Justin Hikingboot person, hereby announce that 2007 will be the year that we bring Sexy back to Search.
No more white hat/black hat nonsense. Hats aren’t sexy unless there’s a sexy head in them, and let’s be frank — very few of us have sexy heads. Maybe if we washed our hair now and then… but that’s asking rather a lot, I’d say. From this moment on, we will proudly and provocatively identify ourselves and our professional methodology by the color of our thongs. And at conferences, we will be sure to pull them up on our hips so that their color is visible to anyone checking us out.
And “organic” SEO? It’s a pleasant thought, I suppose, but it’s not very accurate. What’s organic about a search engine’s algorithm? Nothing, that’s what. And besides, the concept of organic SEO makes me think of geeks in overalls and straw hats spreading manure all over their computers. That’s not the picture we want to promote. When I think of getting that top spot on a SERP, I think of something quite a bit more pleasurable, so henceforth, the term “organic SEO” is to be replaced with “orgasmic SEX”.
We’re not pretending that this will be easy. Obviously, we’re putting ourselves into direct competition with people who’ve been using this terminology for a long time. But the benefits are just too much to pass up, and I know we can succeed.
We don’t need surveys of marketing managers. We don’t need ROI statistics. What we need is video of Paris Hilton saying something like “Search marketing… that’s hot.”
