In Search Of Stuff

PRSubjugator^TM Tool- Control Your Search Listings

You’re a savvy web marketer. You’ve heard people talk about making money with websites for years and it’s time for you to cash in.

You’ve researched the dropshippers, checked out the affiliate programs and taken a hard look at click pimping. Once you’ve picked your monetization route and set up the website-in-a-box solution you’ve purchased, all you need to start raking in the dough is some suckers, um …I mean visitors to your sites who have credit card in hand and are ready to click wherever you tell them to. So you use your website control panel to “Submit to thousands of search engines.”

This is so easy! You should have done this years ago.

However, there isn’t any instant money… what’s the problem?

It’s those dratted search engines… they aren’t ranking your site! How dare they! How are you supposed to make an easy million if you aren’t getting free traffic from the engines? They owe you because they are the biggest driver of traffic on the Internet and they have a responsibility to make sure you can pay your mortgage! Greedy bastards…

Getting good search engine rankings these days can take more than a year. Who has that kind of time? SEO experts and their snotty “work hard and make a great site” advice just don’t understand the kind of pressure you are under. That’s not real advice- you need the magic formula, not business direction. There HAS to be a better way.

Enter the PRSubjugator^TM Tool.

Google is the primary search engine in the world. To get good rankings in Google, you have to have high PR for your site.

We all know that PR is determined by pigeons. This has been common knowledge since it was leaked in 2002. However the pigeons have gotten slower over time. Once upon a time, you could get almost instant rankings as soon as you launched a site. These days, the pigeons may take 6 months to a year to give your site some PR pecking order. Here at ISOS, we think that’s downright unfair and we aren’t going to take it sitting down.

Subjugating the Pigeons

We came up with a strategy to fight back. Knowing that the ranking pigeons have free rein to roam the Googleplex on their smoking breaks, we have secretly been feeding the birds with seed laced with tiny nanobots. Nanobots! No lie.

These tiny nanobots have now taken up their positions inside the birds and attached to the pigeon brain, allowing us to control the pigeons. And he who controls the pigeons, controls the PR… are you following me here?

The PRSubjugator^TM Control Panel

While we’ve amused ourselves up until now with controlling the odd bird here and there to aim a load at unsuspecting but highly ranked Google employees, we are ready to roll out our plan to sell Google rankings to the highest bidders.

No longer will you have to wait in Google purgatory for a year… you can instantly give your affiliate catalog the #1 spot so that you can start raking in the cash… today!

All you do is access your PRSubjugator^TM Control Panel (each is assigned to a different bird) and start controlling your pigeon. You can set your site to #1 while punishing those more deserving sites who spent years earning their spots by giving them a -30 penalty or two. Man, what a rush!

Getting Started

Enter the bidding today while prices are still low. The auction-style bidding helps ensure that keywords will find their true competitive value.

Once you’ve won your search phrase, it will be programmed for a specific pigeon and your web-based control panel will be set up. Once you have your pigeon, you can also spend countless fun hours using it to spy on Google employees, destroy their lunches, or wander the halls of the Googleplex. It’s fun for the whole family!

Buy more keyword phrases and control an entire flock of pigeons. You’ve seen The Birds haven’t you? There is a world of entertainment awaiting you beyond the monetary satisfaction of rearranging your purchased search results.

Pre-Order Your Pigeon Today!

2 comments November 8th, 2006

Myths and Disinformation in SEO World Traced to Deliberate Leaks from Alta Vista

There are many prevalent myths that never seem to quite die out when it comes to search engine marketing. Although most of the seasoned industry experts are quick to debunk these theories, no one can remember quite how they started or how to stop them from infecting newbies.

Isos has uncovered an informant ( referred to as “Deep Scoot” for his own protection) who was employed by Alta Vista “back in the day” and has shared some disturbing information with us.

“Alta Vista liked to screw with webmaster’s heads” said Deep Scoot with a laugh. “I was in charge of the Office of Disinformation, and my job was to come up with believeable sounding bullsh1t and feed it to the public. I gotta say, I was really good at my job and I’ve never enjoyed a job more.”

When pushed for specifics, Deep Scoot pointed out one of his favorite “releases.”

“I gotta say, this one has lasted longer than any other myth I created,” Deep Scoot related, beaming with pride.

Back in the year 2000, there was an article on AltaVista describing how the keyword meta tag was rated by the search engine spider. The document mentioned that the words in the keyword meta tag has the same value as the other words on the web page itself, except for one very important case: if your meta keyword tag contains keywords that do not occur in your main web page, your page will be penalized. The document went on to say that your ranking may improve if you use both the title tag and relevant first few lines in your web page without any meta keyword tag.

~How to Improve Your AltaVista Search Engine Ranking

“I mean look at it, it’s pure genius! By putting it out there, then removing it we created reasonable doubt that we ever said it in the first place!” Deep Scoot chortled. “We created a paranoia surrounding meta keywords that lasts to this day! Use ‘em, get better results or penalized, don’t use ‘em and be safe but miss out on a real SEO advantage. It’s a paradox that still troubles newbies to this day… and that was over 6 years ago!!”

That’s only the tip of the iceburg when it comes to the smoke and mirrors that was Alta Vista… and a legacy of confusion and conspiracy theories.

We asked industry guru Matt Cutts of Google about the idea that a search engine would deliberately leak incorrect information, but his secretary said he was “in a meeting” and couldn’t come to the phone. (Just to set the record straight, we heard him in the background saying “Hey, watch what happens when I do this!” followed by gales of maniacal laughter… )

Next article… more common myths traced to the Office of Disinformation at Alta Vista. Stay tuned…

1 comment February 6th, 2006

Controversy Over Who Called Jill Whalen a “Bitch” First Now Settled

In response to the series of articles and interviews currently circulating where certain industry regulars are making claims and refuting claims of who called Jill Whalen a bitch, and when, we decided to set the record straight.

While Jill’s daughter Corie claims she was the first to call her mother a bitch, we have proof that it happened much earlier, although Corie’s claim has some merit.

Quoted Corie,” Well, I was like, ‘Mom, will you get me a car?’ and she was like, ‘No’ and I was like, ‘Bitch.’”

This exchange is noted to have happened in early 2004. While it certainly adds to the evidence, it is by no means the first time.

We have unearthed a written copy of the first time Jill Whalen was, in fact, known to have been called a “bitch”.

Jill Whalen is a Bitch- November 3, 1980

This archival quality document was secured from a person named “Tiffany” who prefers not to give her real name, but says she always wished her name was Tiffany, just like the teen singing sensation who later posed for Playboy .

Irrefutable proof.

3 comments February 3rd, 2006