2 out of three, despite what Meatloaf’ll tell ya, is bad, but for a blog without either a following or a work ethic, isos thinks it’s more than admirable we’ve done Santa Mailboxs two of three years, in 2005 and 2006.
So after missing a year due to what can best be described as “life induced runaway meltdown”, isos returns Santa to his role as guest blogger. Take it away, fatman.
Hi guys, Santa here. Sorry about last year. The elven CBA took longer to thrash out than expected. Those little munchkins may look cute, but I tells yah, a lawyer’s a lawyer’s a lawyer, no matter how cute and cuddly he may appear. And UNP, or the University of the North Pole for the uninitiated, spits out some soulless, nasty, humanity hating lawyers.
Also, there are some changes this year that I’ll outline quickly to avoid “issues” later on:
1. Santa can no longer sign off “love Santa”. Seems that makes Santa appear to be a kiddy fiddler. So we’ve gone with pointless salutations instead.
2. Santa had a heck of a lot of photos of children, and this got the authorities a little worked up. So Santa has had to throw them all out, and agree to accept no more pictires of children under plea agreement 144537, section c. So please, don’t send Santa any photos, or I might end up in the slammer Christmas Eve, and then’l who’ll kiss mummy uder the tree?
3. Santa has been pressured by Moms Against Unhealthy Eating not to send any form of fast food for Xmas. So no chocolate presents, no lollies, no “candies”, no sugary treats, nothing even remotely unhealthy this year. Sorry, just no can do!
4. Santa can no longer refer to Elves using any language that demeans their height. If you catch a phrase please let the Elvish Works Union know.
Anyhoo, enough sooking from me, lets answer some questions from the kiddies.
Dear Santa,
Daddy was sacked from his job last year, and he was real depressed like. Seems the market for former camp, search mascots is pretty slim pickings. I know daddy recently got a part time job, but he can’t afford to send Reginald or Myself to butler college.
If you could arrange for daddy to get a job, as a search mascot ideally but, failing that, perhaps on the lucrative speaking circuit, that’d be great.
Thanks,
Horatio Jeeves
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Dear Horatio,
Santa has hooked Jeeves Sr up with a gig @ the upcoming SMX, so that should be all good.
Regards,
Santa
Dear Santa,
I am worried about the effect the economic meltdown will have on polar icecaps. I know you live at the North Pole, which is a floating mass of ice with no land beneath it, and my daddy says that the global markets are heating up, and I worry with that and the greenhouses effects that this will speed up the melting of the polar ice caps, and that your house might sink. Then ehat would happen to the elves? And Rudolph. Poor Rudolph.
Also, Daddy runs a financial services website, and whilst he still ranks extremely well, accross both the high volume head terms and the niche long tail terms, he says traffic is in the toilet, and I know that the wireless network never quite works in there, cause of the pipes or something, so that can’t be good.
So for Christmas, can you provide the government with a clear economic plan to course us out of this crisis, that includes both stricter regulation, greater access to information, a strong and robust set of checks and balances, as well as an agreement that tax payer dollars will not be used to socialise the losses of financial institutions, whilst allowing the profits to be retained, and that enables either a carbon trading scheme or carbon tax inputs, that spark a “green fuels” revolution.
Also, I worry about the Moral Hazard created by a system in which governments encourage risk taking behaviours with their tacit guarantee to bailout all and sundry, and minimise the potential for future bailouts of uncompetitive, unprofitable, resource wasting industries like The Big 3 automakers. I may only be seven, but even I get can see that this will have long term, disasterous consequences as any half-conscious CEO of a failing company will realise that sudden, massive, spectacular failure with a government sponsored rescue package is better than slow, steady, inevitable demise.
If you could arrange that for me by Christmas this year, that’d be great, cause then daddy could afford to buy us that Wii we’ve wanted for three years.
Love,
Timmy Smithson
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Dear Timmy,
Woah there, little economist, someone seems to be spending WAAAAAY too much time on Reddit!
Look, I’ll level with you: I’m a fat guy with no known form of income who lives in an icy house surrounded by elves who, although once under paid, now command excellent salaries. What I’m not is flippin’ Scrouge Milton Friedman McGreenspan.
Solving an economic crisis routed in greed, the nowhere land of a semi-free markets combined with lax regulation and a “small government” President who spends, ironically, like a Wall Street Trophy wife with a limit free Amex and runs wars as off budget items on an already deficit running budget is more work than even Santa’s hourde of Elvish UNP economics graduates can solve in a month.
But cheer up, Santa gots me some good deals on a few million Wii this year, so why don’t we cut out the middle beauracracy, and stick to what we now we can acheive, and have me go ahead and just send you one of those instead.
Sound like a fair compromise?
Seasons greetings,
Santa
November 25th, 2008
After the moderate levels of quasi interest generated by my SEO Mailbox from last year, the naughty boys and girls of isos have invited me back to do round two, and let you know of all the SEO things that kiddies want this year.
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Dear Santa,
My daddy has been creating unique, useful and link worthy content all year, focussed upon hot topics and popular keywords. But daddy says he can’t play with us until he gets an article on the front page of Digg. Can you please help him get on the first page of Digg for Christmas, so that he will play with me and Amanda? We really miss him!
Thanx Big Man, Love,
Timmy “SEO Orphan” Sampson
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Dear Timmy,
Unfortunately, Santa’s elves were recently banned from Digg for making too many kiddie’s Christmas wishes come true, so our power to get stuff on the front page has pretty much been rendered sterile. Heck, even Rudolph was banned by the f%$^%$ers at Digg. Do you know how hard it is to “Digg” something with hoofs?
I tell ya, I am so mad that no one at Digg is getting a Wii for Christmas this year, let alone an Xbox. Best they can hope for is a Super Nintendo and one working game… a BAD game.
Anyhoo, sorry, but Santa no can do. However, if it helps, Santa can arrange a snow storm that knocks out internet in your home town that will force daddy to play with you. How does that sound for a compromise?
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Dear Santa,
My mummy and I both really hate men since daddy left us for that stripper from town. The disgusting pig bought himself a new sports car, got an earring and general is living it up while we struggle with only basic cable, and without a second computer, forcing us all to share!
Anyway, Mum reckons that men are scum, and that daddy’s mid-life crisis makes him look like a dick, and her new “special friend” Susan, who gets to sleep in mummy’s bed, agrees (her husband left her for secretary who was only 17), so they set up a site, www.menarescumandshoulddie.com.
This site is still sandboxed by Google, and all we want for Christmas is it to no longer be sandboxed and to rank number one for “men” and “man”. Can you please do that for us for Christmas?
Thanx! Love,
Mary “I hate Dad, but not because Mum bad mouthed him in front of me or made me like his lawyers claim, but cause he is a showvanist pig” Jones
PS I know you are a man, but mum says that, when the revolution comes and all the men are lined up against a wall to be shot, you will be in the group, with Dr Phil, that guy from men are from mars and Sean Connery, that is spared for breeding purposes, cause you lot are, like, alright.
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Hi Mary,
Um, OK, sure, I can help mummy’s site do better, no probs. Um, well, not a number one ranking for “men”, but how about number one for “bitter ex-wives”? Does that sound fair?
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Dear Santa,
Last year, I requested that you do something about your appalling weight. I believed, and still believe, that you are a heart attack waiting to happen, and a very poor role model for youth who already lead a slothful existence chained to a chair by a growing culture of computers, digital media and parental fear at child predators.
In the year since, you have done nothing to fix this issue, despite the plethora of celebrity fat camps, biggest loser shows and general help offered to the morbidly obese, such as yourself. It is with much sadness and a pompous sense of self righteousness that I am writing to you to state that, should you fail to address your massive weight issues within the next 12 months, I will be forced to engage in a massive grassroots letter writing campaign, aimed at having all images of yourself removed from next year’s Xmas celebrations.
Please do not force my hand on this issue Mr Claus because, as the people at the local pet shop discovered, I will not rest until any cause I take up has been successful.
You have been warned…
Cordially,
Sarah ‘Concerned’ Smith.
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Dear Sarah,
Santa understands your concern, and has taken your comments onboard. Since last you wrote, Santa has reduced his cholesterol significantly, and begun to take a half hour walk daily, which given Santa lives in a place with permanent snow, is a lot trickier than it sounds.
Whilst Santa has lost over 20 pounds, it clearly has not changed Santa’s morbidly obese appearance.
I am pleased, however, to announce that talks are underway for Santa to indeed be on a celebrity version of The Biggest Loser, most likely in 2009. Until then, Santa is afraid that, with a hectic lifestyle and the elven Collective Bargaining Agreement from 1997 expiring early next year, and a new heavy hitting team appointed by the elfish union to draft a new version, Santa probably won’t be able to lose much, if any, weight by Xmas 2007.
Santa hopes the compromise of 2008 is acceptable, and that Santa can lose enough weight to win the money on offer.
Santa
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Dear… um… Santa,
Yes, I know it’s been a while since I wrote to you. I’m um… 43 now. Time flies doesn’t it? He he he… but anyway… here’s the thing.
See I made these websites (I’m into that now!) and they are doing OK, but I need your help. I know this is a big request, but I think you are the ONLY guy who can pull it off. And I promise I’ve been good this year, really good… so…
Can you PLEASE FIX THE DMOZ???
All these other sites in my space have had DMOZ listing for years and if I don’t get listed, well, I’ll just jump off a bridge I guess because life isn’t worth living without a DMOZ listing.
And when you fix it… can you like, really fix it? I mean, make them list my site in a week or so, or just bring ‘em coal and switches.
I know you can do this Santa… you’re the man. I’ve never stopped believing, dude.
Be careful on that sleigh ride, man! Don’t fall out or anything. I’ll put some Jack Daniels in the eggnog for ya.
Fred “Noobie” Fowler
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Dear Fred-
Well, well, well. Santa hasn’t heard from you since the “bottle rocket” incident back in ‘74. I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone and Blitzen’s tail healed pretty well (although there’s still a strip of fur that never grew back.)
You want me to fix the DMOZ? Can I build you a bridge to Hawaii instead? We might get it done faster.
The thing is, son, the DMOZ really doesn’t want to be fixed. Sure, I would throw some pixie dust their way and things might get organized for a while, but in a few months it would be the same box of fishhooks.
Santa has started his own directory though, and, being Santa, it will be magical. I’ll put you down for a few listings for Christmas, but you have to do something for me first.
I know you think I can’t see those porn and viagra links you have in pale grey text on your home page, but trust me, I know when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake and get those off of there. Help me to help you.
Santa can’t do Jack Daniels anymore Fred, although I appreciate the thought. I had a bad episode where I left something in the fireplace that wasn’t very festive. You could throw in a little Bailey’s if you want to warm Santa’s toes a little!
Santa
December 22nd, 2006
isos blog contributor Mike pulled a post he had written earlier today, he told fellow isos contributor Santa.
“It was simple too high brow”, Mike claimed, in a conversation with Santa he had assumed would stay private.
Quizzed about the idea further, Mike claimed it was a wicked piece of satire that made fun of the need to name names.
“I was all about naming names something else. As in ‘isos have decided to respond to claims we are weak kneed wimps afraid to name names, and have decided to get tough and actually name a name. As our first move, we are officially naming Mark Fred. We have named Fred (spelt m-a-r-k) Fred, as this is the name we want Fred to be officially known as. And we won’t stop there. Oh no. We will be naming other names blah blah blah…’ From there, I totally wrote this whole bit about naming other names, and how this clearly made as the pre-eminent SEM Blog, and so morally superior it wasn’t funny. The piece was well funny Dude, trust me.”
Mike further claimed it was “fully ironic”, and was a brilliantly funny idea that was pulled not because it lacked the usually cutting edge qualities that isos are somewhat known for, but because it exceeded the capacity of the readership to “get it”.
“Sure, isos readers are smart, good looking, funny, and generally intelligent people, but come on, that idea was just too off the wall, far out and, yes, too high brow for many readers to get.”
When Santa suggested that the post was really pulled because it wasn’t ironic, was hardly satire and, quite frankly, the idea wasn’t even funny, the conversation took a turn for the worse.
Mike became irate and screamed a barrage of insults at Santa. “Not funny? Not funny? What are you, stupid? Thank you very much for proving my point you lowest common denominator fictional creation of the capitalist Pig Dogs designed to hoodwink innocent children.
“Santa indeed. What have you ever done? Hey? What? Except have your Elves infringe upon the patents of millions of companies by making everything from Consumer electronics to Puppies, and the last bit I think had to have involved illegal stem cell research. I bet you do it in a hollowed out Volcano, right? You make me sick, you, you, you… idiot!”
As of the time of press, Santa was unperturbed by Mike’s rant, and claimed that the decision to pull the original post was both “sensible” and “the right decision”, and that his faith in the high editorial standards of isos has left him encouraged to continue as a member of staff, with Santa already preparing a piece he hoped to have ready by “the first day of Christmas 2006”. Stay tuned.
January 18th, 2006
