isos blog contributor Mike pulled a post he had written earlier today, he told fellow isos contributor Santa.
“It was simple too high brow”, Mike claimed, in a conversation with Santa he had assumed would stay private.
Quizzed about the idea further, Mike claimed it was a wicked piece of satire that made fun of the need to name names.
“I was all about naming names something else. As in ‘isos have decided to respond to claims we are weak kneed wimps afraid to name names, and have decided to get tough and actually name a name. As our first move, we are officially naming Mark Fred. We have named Fred (spelt m-a-r-k) Fred, as this is the name we want Fred to be officially known as. And we won’t stop there. Oh no. We will be naming other names blah blah blah…’ From there, I totally wrote this whole bit about naming other names, and how this clearly made as the pre-eminent SEM Blog, and so morally superior it wasn’t funny. The piece was well funny Dude, trust me.”
Mike further claimed it was “fully ironic”, and was a brilliantly funny idea that was pulled not because it lacked the usually cutting edge qualities that isos are somewhat known for, but because it exceeded the capacity of the readership to “get it”.
“Sure, isos readers are smart, good looking, funny, and generally intelligent people, but come on, that idea was just too off the wall, far out and, yes, too high brow for many readers to get.”
When Santa suggested that the post was really pulled because it wasn’t ironic, was hardly satire and, quite frankly, the idea wasn’t even funny, the conversation took a turn for the worse.
Mike became irate and screamed a barrage of insults at Santa. “Not funny? Not funny? What are you, stupid? Thank you very much for proving my point you lowest common denominator fictional creation of the capitalist Pig Dogs designed to hoodwink innocent children.
“Santa indeed. What have you ever done? Hey? What? Except have your Elves infringe upon the patents of millions of companies by making everything from Consumer electronics to Puppies, and the last bit I think had to have involved illegal stem cell research. I bet you do it in a hollowed out Volcano, right? You make me sick, you, you, you… idiot!”
As of the time of press, Santa was unperturbed by Mike’s rant, and claimed that the decision to pull the original post was both “sensible” and “the right decision”, and that his faith in the high editorial standards of isos has left him encouraged to continue as a member of staff, with Santa already preparing a piece he hoped to have ready by “the first day of Christmas 2006”. Stay tuned.
January 18th, 2006
In further proof of the mainstream growth of SEO, Santa, speaking via webcast from his new ADSL 2.0 connection in the Arctic, has revealed exclusively to isos some of the SEO requests little children of all those Mom & pop sites we hear so much about have sent to him.
“The little kiddies really are hilarious.”, Santa said. “Last year, they all wanted one number one ranking for a ‘Prime Keyword term’, but this year it seems that the message has got through, and the kiddies are asking for more specific terms, and more of them, better conversion rates and improved ROI.”
Santa, in an isos exclusive, has provided us with a sample of the letters he has received this year:
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Dear Santa
Please send Daddy 100 new anonymous proxies for Christmas.
Love- Amy “Black Hat” Ames
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Dear Amy,
Anonymous proxies are useful aren’t they? Uunbeknownst to many, Santa’s little elves have been busy laying fibre optic cable in the North Pole this year. The reindeer are quite upset, because flying with cable attached to the sleigh is hard work. Rudolf almost quit, and the reindeer union is in a bitter battle with the Telecommunication union and the Elvish Union over who has jurisdiction and it all got terribly messy. But never mind, cause now Santa can give all the little Black Hat boys and girls Mommy & Daddies all the anonymous proxies they could ever ask for.
PS: the full list will be in the card that comes with the Gift you really want. No peeking though, or it won’t be the Pony you really wanted.
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Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is my dad to get back his number one ranking for “miniature light rail models london” so that he can spend some time with us, instead of on the forums all day long obsessing.
Thanx,
Spike Spencer
PS, if I could have a pre-launch Playstation 3 with the optional Linux kit, keyboard and hard drive as well, that would be nice.
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Dear Spike.
Ho Ho Ho, Merry Xmas. So daddy isn’t spending time with you eh? Santa isn’t sure that will actually be solved by a ranking, but it isn’t Santa’s job to judge, so consider it done.
Love,
Santa.
PS Those @%#$ @ Sony hate Santa, and won’t even let him have a pre-release Playstation 3. I am very upset, cause I think Cell is the chip of the future, especially now that floating point calculations are more important than integer operations.
Oh, and the elves! If I hear one more request for a Playstation 3 from those irritating little Hobbit wannabes I am going to scream. So sorry, but no can do on the Playstation3. How about an X-Box 360 instead?
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Dear Santa,
Please send Daddy 100 free links with the words “cheap tickets major events’ as the anchor text, all from PageRank 4 or higher pages with less than 12 outbounds on the page, without nofollow attributes, tracking or redirection and all on .edu or ,org sites. Daddy says that is the only way I can get a Puppy for my Birthday next year.
Love,
Simon Simonsen
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Dear Simon,
Kid, Santa is good, but he ain’t that good. Will you settle for a link from Santa’s own home page, currently a PageRank of 8, as well as my 6 elve’s sites (mostly 4 and above) as well as Rudolph’s site, which is currently a 9 or ten, depending upon the datacenter?
All these sites are good, well trusted authorities, so Santa feels this is a really good deal, and much easier than conning a bunch of .edu sites into doing something they will take away in the New Year anyway.
I hope that is good enough!
PS, hope you get that puppy. Puppies are fun. Santa has had a few, but most are so freaked out by Rudolph’s red nose they run away and never come back. Santa was really sad the year Tiger ran away. He was a Shi Tzu, and Mrs Clause really loved him as well. Stupid Rudolph, I almost had him dog meated over that!
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Dear Santa,
I am appalled at your attitude to weight. I believe you are a heart attack waiting to happen, and a very poor role model for youth who already lead a slothful existence chained to a chair by a growing culture of computers and digital media. My debate team and I also feel that, as a fictional character, your offer of fleeting rankings, crappy corporate consumerism presents and false hope to Mom & Pop sites is an indictment on our the current state of denial griping our planet, and that you should be removed from our cultural lexicon and replaced with a more appropriate figure, such as Santa Ghandi.
What I and the Affirmative humbly ask for Xmas is for you to lose some weight, lose the beard, stop exploiting the “little people” you work with and for you to start championing causes that really matter, like Nuclear non-proliferation, getting the Kyoto protocol ratified and help stop the spread of globalisation and exploitation of the third world by rich, 1st world countries and ensuring that hate sites never again rank well on major Search Engines for terms like “jew” and “holocaust”.
Cordially,
Sarah ‘Concerned’ Smith.
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Dear Sarah,
Ah, um…. Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas! That seems like a lot of work. How about a pony instead?
Love Santa
December 15th, 2005
