Posts filed under 'Rumours'
For many moons, the Black Hats and White hats fought a war that many thought would never end. But now, at last, we may finally see peace in our time. A rengade group of SEOs, embracing and re-interpretting an ancient Chinese symbol, have chosen to unite the two sides against a common enemy: Grey Hats.
Yin Yang or… |
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The renagdes choice of symbol? The Yin Yang symbol, also known as the I-ching, the name the SEO renegades have chosen for their radical group. At the very heart of Chinese philosphy, the I-ching, with its all black and white motif, is claimed by devotees to be a statement on SEO that leaves no room for greys.
“Black or white, white or black. It is right there in the symbol, man”, leader of the renegade I-ching, SEO_guru_professor, said to isos.
“And what is a Grey Hat?”, he continued. “How do you do something a little bit bad, or a little bit OK? Seriously, dude, make a frickin’ stand. Fences are for dividing, not sitting on. So get off the fence ya namby pambie behinds and pick a side. I-ching, the philosophy and our group, demands no less.”
SEO_guru_professor, said to be both the figurehead and philosophical heart of the group, claims that anyone who is grey is the groups target, and no one that claims to be anything but black as the ace of spades with a tiny speck of white at the core, or visa versa, will be safe.
“We plan to start with a saturation Blogging campaign, in which as many blogs as we can get up and running as soon as possible will all start shouting our message, damning Grey Hats. For obvious reasons, we are having some internal conflicts about the best approach, with the black hats wanting to automate the whole process, and White Hats claiming that well written, useful blogs are a better long term approach, leading to a better Return On Insults (ROI ). Thankfully, no one has yet suggested any marginal tactics, so we only have two extreme choices to deal with.”
The first target of the I-ching will be Grey Hat News. “They claim it, right there, in their domain name. If they can’t make a stand so bad they name their site Grey Hat News, they are asking for it.”
Responding to claims that the I-ching are reading too much into an ancient symbol whose meaning has been bastardised continually since the Peacenik movement of the 1960s, and that commentary on SEO was hardly the intended message of the symbol, SEO_guru_professor responded with an unprintable tirade of profanity, before saying “…if you don’t, like, get the I-ching, man, then like, ^&%$% off away from me, dude. You aren’t worth wasting my time on, your Grey Hat troll apologist. I bet you have never made a stand in your life. You make me sick…” before falling back into profanity.
The targets of I-ching refused to comment, mainly because isos didn’t ask them, but if we had, they are sure they would refuse on the grounds that “…grey hats are against all extremist views. Why can’t we just all love each other?”
isos promise to keep a close eye on the I-ching as they develop…
October 27th, 2005
In the “Monkey see, Monkey do” world of Search engines, always-the-bridesmaid-never-the-bride Yahoo have announced that, hot on the heels of the announcement of Google Tooth, Yahoo have employed their own on-site doctor.
“It was so hard seeing even more free publicity go the way of Google”, a Yahoo mole told ISoS. “We just had to one up them (editor’s note: pun FULLY intended)”.
And the new doctor? We think the logo says it all:
When quizzed as to why, given all the doctors in the world they could have hired, they hired this particularly unsavoury type, the Yahoo Mole responded:
“Look, no one gives any love, especially not free, positive PR love. But everyone just lurves Google. They are so Kitsch and 21st century. We knew that, to have a chance of getting any publicity, we had to do something extreme. And lets get real: Doctors don’t come much more extreme that this!
“Besides”, the Mole ranted on. “Prostate cancer is a silent killer. Did you know that “…a man is 33% more likely to develop prostate cancer than an American woman is to get breast cancer”? I bet you didn’t!
“But cause breasts are all like sexy and stuff, but prostates are ever so icky, Prostate cancer doesn’t get the publicity that Breast cancer does. As an employer of many men in the danger ages, we felt that this would make a serious statement about a Men’s Health, and get us some PR and love that Google always gets.”
ISoS considered approaching Ask and MSN to see what their hoax doctor was going to be, but we were, quite frankly, too scared. Topping a Proctolgist is a real challenge, and if any one actually pulled it off, EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
(Editor’s Note: Edu-tainment, does humour get any better?)
October 14th, 2005
In a response to the bandwagon that is MC - Hammer’s - Visit - to - Google, and lunch, ISoS are proud to announce that, far from getting on no bandwagon, we are breaking a celebrity visit story of our own.
Yes, that is right, Google’s biggest rival and current Google shareholder, Yahoo, have organised a secret celebrity visit of their own, and trumped Google in the process. Yahoo have managed to get the biggest 90’s has-been of all: Robert Van Winkle, aka the 90’s Eminem, Vanilla Ice (Ice baby).
A Yahoo spokesperson, speaking exclusively to ISoS with a promise of Anonymity (cause their parents were so mean. I mean really, if you last name is Pipe, naming your kid Dwayne is just cruel) said:
“Can’t Touch this? Can’t touch this? Yahoo see your MC Hammer, and raise you a Vanilla Ice. Touch that Google. Let’s see what you can do now that Hammer Time has been surpassed, oh you of the Do No Evil.”
Not to be out done by their bigger rivals, Ask Jeeves, in a “Kill two birds with one stone” PR move, invited (somewhat) famous actor Daniel Davis, who played Niles, the Butler from TV’s imminently forgettable The Nanny, for a suprise visit.
An Ask Jeeves representative said to ISoS in a Universal Exclusive™: “What, with all the fuss over us killing off of that annoying Butler and all, and the threats of legal action from the Butler Union Members, inviting Daniel Davis effectively created a good Butler news story, whilst also responding in kind to the growing need for a 90’s has-been visit to compete in the Modern Search game. We are really happy with Niles from The Nanny’s visit, and we feel it achieved all the goals we set for it, in terms of KPIs, if not surpassed them.”
Indeed it has, with Yahoo and Google said to be left fuming over what they see as really scraping the bottom of an already well scraped and shallow has-been barrel.
Amidst this frenzy of has-been activity, one SE has remained terribly quiet: MSN. ISoS sources within Redmond spoke of this latest Search Wars development, and confided that, far from being left behind yet again in the search stakes, Bill Gates has made finding a celebrity has-been to visit his number one quarter 3 goal. Gates was also heard to remark that they had really dropped the ball on this one (as well), but that that MSN had “someone big in mind” for their has-been visit, and that this has-been would not merely be a case of playing catch up, but actually a massive advancement in has-been visits.
ISoS haven’t been able to confirm who this “someone big” is, but when we were told “I pity the fool search engine that invites MC Hammer”, ISoS felt that was a pretty big clue.
That said, our MSN deep throat was also heard to say “By the power of Redmond, what you talking about, IIISSooooSSSS. Has-been visits?? Homey don’t play that. I ain’t organisin’ no damn has-been visit, FOOL!
“Say What? Google Are doing it? You’re in BIG TROUBLE, Mister! MSNBots, Transform and rollout and… COOME OOONNNN DOOOWWWWN!!! Resistance is futile. Has-been visits are go. And who could the has-been vist be? Could it be…. Satan?’
So maybe he was just thinking out loud. Or is a complete and utter loser.
Only time will tell.
October 14th, 2005
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