On the heels of Google’s recent announcement, which their blog terms “just the first step in the evolution toward universal search,” rumors are swirling that they are nearly ready to take the second step, code-named Omniscient Search.
According to a Google spokesperson of indeterminate gender (let’s call him/her “Pat”), “We don’t believe muddled thinking, unclear objectives or poor spelling should stand in the way of someone being able to find what they’re seeking. Google 2.1 (Build 1.06g), Omniscient Search, will make that possible. Let’s face it — we’ve got a better idea than most searchers what it is they’re really looking for, and we certainly know better than they do how to find it.”
“So, let’s say, for instance, you’ve misplaced your car keys. All you do is type in to Google: ‘Now where are my keys?’ and we will return results blending informative articles outlining industry best practices for locating lost items, humorous blog entries and MySpace comments from your so-called friends debating whether or not it’s a good idea for you to be allowed to drive in the first place, photos from Flickr showing your keys lurking in the far left corner of your kitchen counter behind the stack of empty pizza boxes and beer cans from last night’s party, and a YouTube video of your mom fussing at you for keeping such a messy house.”
“Pat“ also confirmed Google is evaluating the feasibility of equipping robotic agents with the ability to read your brain waves and physically retrieve and deliver to you whatever you’re searching for, thus eliminating the final hurdle — people who don’t own or have access to computers with which to run Google searches — standing between Google and total world domination.
Leading search industry pundits have already agreed to designate this third-stage development as Google 3.8, Service Pack 2, but it will apparently be officially referred to by Google as Omnipresent Search. Rumors are swirling that the U.S. military will participate in testing; their initial test will reportedly be a search on the phrase “Osama Bin Laden.”
There are many prevalent myths that never seem to quite die out when it comes to search engine marketing. Although most of the seasoned industry experts are quick to debunk these theories, no one can remember quite how they started or how to stop them from infecting newbies.
Isos has uncovered an informant ( referred to as “Deep Scoot” for his own protection) who was employed by Alta Vista “back in the day” and has shared some disturbing information with us.
“Alta Vista liked to screw with webmaster’s heads” said Deep Scoot with a laugh. “I was in charge of the Office of Disinformation, and my job was to come up with believeable sounding bullsh1t and feed it to the public. I gotta say, I was really good at my job and I’ve never enjoyed a job more.”
When pushed for specifics, Deep Scoot pointed out one of his favorite “releases.”
“I gotta say, this one has lasted longer than any other myth I created,” Deep Scoot related, beaming with pride.
Back in the year 2000, there was an article on AltaVista describing how the keyword meta tag was rated by the search engine spider. The document mentioned that the words in the keyword meta tag has the same value as the other words on the web page itself, except for one very important case: if your meta keyword tag contains keywords that do not occur in your main web page, your page will be penalized. The document went on to say that your ranking may improve if you use both the title tag and relevant first few lines in your web page without any meta keyword tag.
“I mean look at it, it’s pure genius! By putting it out there, then removing it we created reasonable doubt that we ever said it in the first place!” Deep Scoot chortled. “We created a paranoia surrounding meta keywords that lasts to this day! Use ‘em, get better results or penalized, don’t use ‘em and be safe but miss out on a real SEO advantage. It’s a paradox that still troubles newbies to this day… and that was over 6 years ago!!”
That’s only the tip of the iceburg when it comes to the smoke and mirrors that was Alta Vista… and a legacy of confusion and conspiracy theories.
We asked industry guru Matt Cutts of Google about the idea that a search engine would deliberately leak incorrect information, but his secretary said he was “in a meeting” and couldn’t come to the phone. (Just to set the record straight, we heard him in the background saying “Hey, watch what happens when I do this!” followed by gales of maniacal laughter… )
Next article… more common myths traced to the Office of Disinformation at Alta Vista. Stay tuned…
After years of callously attempting to destroy Mom & Pop businesses by proxy with a series of updates that have forced many deserving, well thought out and otherwise viable businesses to go under, including the near annual November Updates nicknamed “Scrooge” (after Donald Duck’s uncle, Scrooge McDuck), Google are rumoured to be thinking of taking the battle to a whole new level.
“Google are planning on a series of attacks aimed at ridding the world of whinging, whining, complaining Mom & Pop site owners once and for all”, a fictional informant in my head, identifying himself as Joe Bob Smalltime, said.
He claims that Google is no longer satisfied with accidentally inflicting damage on small businesses, and they have hired a number of prominant ex-Mafia men to co-ordinate a wide scale assualt to destroy not just the businesses, but the physical property, and in some cases, even the physical vessel that transports a person’s soul until they “pass over”, of Mom & Pop site owners everywhere. These attacks are rumoured to include ram raids, arson attempts and even, for particularly resilient businesses, knee capping, assualts and possibly assinations, I deduced from the fictional informant’s rants.
“No one will be safe”, the voice in my head continued, unabated. “Not just from the wanton destruction of the very fabric of our free society that Google plan to unleash, but from their monopolistic SE as well. Google need regulating, and now.”
When asked why Google are making Mom & Pop businesses suffer, and in such pointed and horrible way, the now hysterical voice in my head screamed “It’s all about the MONEY!! Small businesses don’t buy AdWords, Man… That is why they must DIE!”
But it isn’t all doom and gloom for Mom or, indeed, Pop. New research conducted by the Mom & Pop industry group, the Businesses, Organasations and Orgs Who Hate Others Orders (Boowhoo) editor’s note: yes, it did take me an hour to think that acronym up, thanx for wondering, said that there are plenty of things businesses can do to avoid sufferring at the callous hands of the Rogue SE, officially proclaimed as part of Boowhoo’s Business World Axis Of Evil.
Boowhoo representative Julie “Stay at home Mom” Spilane told isos, “Well, there really is plenty that Mom & Pop can do to stay under the Google Hit Squad Radar. For starters, they can remove their physical address from their websites, use phone numbers that aren’t connected to their home address, get a Post Office box, use private registrar data, ensure sites are hosted by different companies on different C-Blocks… Lots of things.”
When quized about whether this story was merely an over exageration created by me to make a point I am not sure is even funny, and that a solid Marketing Plan is a far saner bet in preventing Google changes adversely affecting businesses, Joe Bob Smalltime answered, “Who needs a stinking Marketing Plan when we can belly ache about things and throw out hot air about suing Google? Marketing Plan. Sheesh! You isos guys, you kill me!”
