Posts filed under 'Products'
Finally, after months of testing, of intensive design, redesign, and even more redesign, the completion of a series of exhaustive tests carried out to the exacting six sigma level and quite frankly, a lot of Chardonanys, we are ready to unleash the greatest product ever launched anywhere at any time by anyone. Hyperbole? I don’t think so when the product is this bloody good.
Ladies and gentlemen, after years of being two steps ahead of the curve with innovative linking products like the Trapezoidal Linking Matriflux™ and super advanced link building strategies like Committing Crimes for Links, isos are proud to unveil the greatest link building product ever brought to market.
Allow me to present to you:
The isos Brand® Linkbait Web Assassin Series
Lets face it, linkbait is hot right now. Everywhere isos go, people want to hear about Linkbaiting. “Where can we get some linkbait? Got any linkbait? Can I have some linkbait? “
 |
Catch More Links
Linkbait From isos |
Because we at isos are nothing if not whores to public demand, we have set our immense intellects to fullfilling your Linkbait needs and desires. You wanted it, and we have (finally) delivered it.
Not just any old product either. Oh no. When isos release a product, we do it right. Any product has to be 100% aligned with our Mission Statement of Simplicity Through Convolution. We needed a product that is so ridiculously convoluted that only the most savvy Web marketers could grasp its sheer complexity and yet is so simple anyone could implement it. With the isos Brand® Linkbait Web Assassin Series, we have not only achieved this seemingly contradictory goal,but we have done it without resorting to cheap stunts, second rate material, a TLA or even a radar graph.
But we didn’t stop there. We know that the needs of sites vary and your needs are not the same as your neighbours. So we designed the isos Brand® Linkbait Web Assassin Series to different levels to suit every niche and budget. Whether you are looking to harpoon a PageRank Ten whale link, like the Japanese for “research purposes” or commercially, or are merely throwing a line out looking for a pr0n industry bottom feeder link, we have a product designed for you, by marketers that understand your needs.
Budget conscious? Our Small Fry Linkbait Lite® option, a bargain at $9.99, is for you.
The sort of person that orders the second cheapest bottle of wine at a restaurant? May I suggest the excellent, second from bottom, $19.99 mid-range Tacklemeister Linkbait Lure Extraordinaire™. Nothing says “so totally not cheap” like 2nd worst.
And for those who only accept the best; who are driven to succeed by a combination of a personality as hideous as their exterior is repulsive and a need to “show” everyone who ever teased them in high school, for you we have the Whalebait Odessey 2010 Linkbait Extreme™. At only $29.99, this product will help you get the links you desire to help you stop “flying solo”, and start make babies with real, living, flesh and blood human beings 1.0.
Skeptical? Worried that it may not be for you? Well fear not, as each product comes with the isos Brand® guaraantee, that if you aren’t 100% percent satisfied with the product and you can fulfill some minor requirements**, we will refund *** your money. NO (MORE) QUESTIONS ASKED.
But hurry, this offer can’t last! Beg, borrow, steal, commit white collar crime, do whatever you have to to buy this amazing product TODAY.
The isos Brand® Linkbait Web Assassin Series Complete Product Range
*Please note: “Guaraantee” means a claim made that will not be honoured in any way, shape or form. It is not to be confused with “Guarantee”.
**Requirements are that you can find us and can recite the alphabet backwards whilst whistling the Chemical Brother’s
and playing Jimi Hendrix’s
with your teeth
***Refund not to exceed 18% of the purchase price
July 14th, 2006
After having watched on the sidelines as Danny Sullivan and Brett Tabke played “Whose stupid Blog idea is more cutting edge and Web 2.0″, isos have decided enough is enough. No more will we watch. No more will we sit by and see our brilliance forgotten in a sea of mediocrity!
isos clearly lead the world in Web 2.0-ishness, and we are sick to death of people claiming their awful ideas are Web 2.0 when they are, at best, Web 1.3.48.12, aka the “Sucker branch” of Web 1.X.Y.
I mean come on ppl. A CSS blog? Pffft! That is so Web 1.0.3.11. And a robots.txt blog? That is sooooooo Web 0.9.67.12 I can’t believe it! And lets get real for second, Web 0.9.67.12 was before they even agreed on how to spell “center” (I still can’t believe we lost that one. It’s the Queen’s English people, not Murcan’s English).
And these, these, these third rate ideas claiming to be Web 2.0, or as we here at isos call it, Web 2.0: The Second Coming Of The Great White, Pasty Faced Male Geek Hope At Being Rich Enough To Have a Supermodel Girlfriend.
I mean pulease! Where is the AJAX? JavaScript even. Where is it, huh? NOWHERE, that’s where. Where are the convoluted calls to XML for no real discernable reason? Nowhere. Those Blogs are so not Web 2.0 it isn’t funny.
But not the new isos Blog. Oh no. We sat down and thought this bugger out. We thought “how do we take the cutting edge, too cool for school, and certainly too cool for Web 2.0, industry leading programming talents and visionary sophistication that created such simplistically convoluted systems as the ground breaking Trapeziodal Linking Matriflux and produce a Blog that truly sets new industry standards in one upmanship that only other geeks would understand, appreciate and, yes we need it, validate as truly worthy?”
And then the solution struck us: JavaScript Alerts! They have become our trademark, in part because I am too lazy to do anything else, but also because, well, they just are, ok!
And let me tell you, they work. And the best bit is, they put YOU in control. Lil Joe Public, Torka Public even for the Y-chromosome bereft, have the ultimate power to choose to read or not read our brilliantly satirical on-topic hilarity. No more “I don’t know if I could be arsed reading that post. It sure doesn’t sound like it will be funny. And quite frankly the title makes it sound a little too obscure even for me.”
No, because now, with this revolutionary decision to move to AJAX (well, JavaScript actually, but don’t tellteh VCs), you can finally say to yourself “SIGH, isos has so jumped the Shark. They have fully sold out, the sellouts. I remember when they invented UPONG, and that Matriflux thingey. Good times. Now they just post long-winded rubbish that I can’t stand. $^^%$$# it, I am gonna go read Grey Hat News instead. At least when they aren’t funny, their posts are short”.
So, fair world, I tell thee, prepare for the dawning of the new era, as isos unveil: The Ultimate Web 2.0 Blogging Iterface Of All Time v 1.01.
February 8th, 2006
For too long, people have struggled to get links. The difficulty of creating content, seeking out partners and generally building content and neat ideas is becoming too much.
So what do you do? Who do you turn to?
Isos, that’s who!
In a collaboration with Beelzebub inc, Isos have created a link building system designed to get YOU the links YOU need.
 |
| Beelzebub inc CEO Lucifer |
At the launch, Beelzebub Inc CEO, Lucifer, had this to say:
“Selling your soul for links has never been easier than with the Isos and Beelzebub Inc Soul Sellin’ Link Bonanza (SSLB) program. For the bargain price of an eternity in hell, Isos and Beelzebub Inc are offering ten (10) PageRank8 links, one hundred (100) PageRank7 links, and one thousand (1,000) PageRank6 links. All on authority sites, all on separate IP C blocks, and all driving profitable traffic that will help you live better in this life, never mind the next.
“Forget link bait. Forget competitions. Forget buying, trading or begging for links. With one simple transaction and an eternity of warmer-than-average weather, you can have success in this world NOW.”
As souls are a one-sale item, the price will unfortunately be fixed. However, Isos and Beelzebub Inc are also offerring a second, less effective package, referred to as the Purgatory Soul Grabbin’ Gamble (PSGG). This package offers no particular or specific number of links, but comes with the potential to avoid eternal damnation, and instead end up in the balmy nowhereness of Purgatory.
“We must of course stress”, Lucifer said. “That the PSGG comes with absolutely no-guarantees, of either success or links, and any results will truly be variable at best, with no expected ROI. Still, you have a chance to avoid eternal damnation, so it isn’t all downside, and for those that care about their immortal souls more than they care about their wealth on Earth, this is a great introductory package. Upgrading, at anytime will, of course, be possible, although downgrades will not be available.”
For more information on this incredible, bargain basement program, please Click Here.
January 27th, 2006
Next Posts
Previous Posts
