Posts filed under 'Products'
You’re a savvy web marketer. You’ve heard people talk about making money with websites for years and it’s time for you to cash in.
You’ve researched the dropshippers, checked out the affiliate programs and taken a hard look at click pimping. Once you’ve picked your monetization route and set up the website-in-a-box solution you’ve purchased, all you need to start raking in the dough is some suckers, um …I mean visitors to your sites who have credit card in hand and are ready to click wherever you tell them to. So you use your website control panel to “Submit to thousands of search engines.”
This is so easy! You should have done this years ago.
However, there isn’t any instant money… what’s the problem?
It’s those dratted search engines… they aren’t ranking your site! How dare they! How are you supposed to make an easy million if you aren’t getting free traffic from the engines? They owe you because they are the biggest driver of traffic on the Internet and they have a responsibility to make sure you can pay your mortgage! Greedy bastards…
Getting good search engine rankings these days can take more than a year. Who has that kind of time? SEO experts and their snotty “work hard and make a great site” advice just don’t understand the kind of pressure you are under. That’s not real advice- you need the magic formula, not business direction. There HAS to be a better way.
Enter the PRSubjugatorTM Tool.
Google is the primary search engine in the world. To get good rankings in Google, you have to have high PR for your site.
We all know that PR is determined by pigeons. This has been common knowledge since it was leaked in 2002. However the pigeons have gotten slower over time. Once upon a time, you could get almost instant rankings as soon as you launched a site. These days, the pigeons may take 6 months to a year to give your site some PR pecking order. Here at ISOS, we think that’s downright unfair and we aren’t going to take it sitting down.
Subjugating the Pigeons
We came up with a strategy to fight back. Knowing that the ranking pigeons have free rein to roam the Googleplex on their smoking breaks, we have secretly been feeding the birds with seed laced with tiny nanobots. Nanobots! No lie.
These tiny nanobots have now taken up their positions inside the birds and attached to the pigeon brain, allowing us to control the pigeons. And he who controls the pigeons, controls the PR… are you following me here?
The PRSubjugatorTM Control Panel
While we’ve amused ourselves up until now with controlling the odd bird here and there to aim a load at unsuspecting but highly ranked Google employees, we are ready to roll out our plan to sell Google rankings to the highest bidders.
No longer will you have to wait in Google purgatory for a year… you can instantly give your affiliate catalog the #1 spot so that you can start raking in the cash… today!
All you do is access your PRSubjugatorTM Control Panel (each is assigned to a different bird) and start controlling your pigeon. You can set your site to #1 while punishing those more deserving sites who spent years earning their spots by giving them a -30 penalty or two. Man, what a rush!
Getting Started
Enter the bidding today while prices are still low. The auction-style bidding helps ensure that keywords will find their true competitive value.
Once you’ve won your search phrase, it will be programmed for a specific pigeon and your web-based control panel will be set up. Once you have your pigeon, you can also spend countless fun hours using it to spy on Google employees, destroy their lunches, or wander the halls of the Googleplex. It’s fun for the whole family!
Buy more keyword phrases and control an entire flock of pigeons. You’ve seen The Birds haven’t you? There is a world of entertainment awaiting you beyond the monetary satisfaction of rearranging your purchased search results.
Pre-Order Your Pigeon Today!
November 8th, 2006
“Credibility: once you know how to fake it, you got it made.”
The lead off statement from a new get rich quick scheme? No, it is the the tag line for a new product released today by everyone’s favourite fictional organisation, UPONG.
Credibility: once you know how to fake it, you got it made
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“For so long”, newly imagined UPONG El Presidente Terry Wrist started his long winded rant. “I have clearly been amonsgt the top 25 bestestest SEOs worldwide. OK OK OK, maybe that is stretching it. I am at least the amongst the best 25 in New Zealand. No, no, tell a lie. That is probably a stretch. I am certainly amongst the best 25 in Aukland. Anyhoo, as I was saying, I am clearly amongst the top 25 SEOs in a region that I haven’t yet defined. The problem is, how do I show that to the unsuspecting suckers potential customers that visit my site? I can’t, and that really {EXPLETIVES REMOVED}es me right off.”
As such, Terry’s first task when imagined elected into office was to instigate the new UPONG programme: the UPONG Seal Of Excellence™ program.
“This is exactly the sort of bogus, BS award that the SEM/O community has been crying out for”, Terry Said. “For so long, bogus internet awards have been the sole domain of the web design community. And while the Web Design fraternity has been handing out awards willy nilly, to all manner of {EXPLETIVES REMOVED} sites built by {EXPLETIVES REMOVED} designers, we in the SEM/O communtiy have had diddly, as in squat.”
But no longer. Finally, with this revolutionary step forward, possible only because of the the intestinal fortitude and vision of UPONG, the SEO/M community has an award / rating system of its own that it can proudly display and use to validate the smallest and the largest SEO/M firms amongst us to Joe Searcher how truly 1337 we are.”
UPONG reports that the new certification has been extrememly well received by the community. “Embraced is the word I would use”, Terry said, with sales claimed to have been “bullish”.
“SEO/M firms can’t get enough of this”, Terry said. “Already, UPONG have sold 73 of the top 25 wordwide firm certificates, and over 100 over the top 5 country certificates, with 77 in India alone. We feel that demand will remain strong worldwide in the last quarter of ‘06, and that the individualised, country specific top 5 certificates are an underdeveloped market waiting to be exploited scammed capitalised serviced.”
But it doesn’t stop there. On no. What use is a rating if it can not be independontly* (sic) verified? Little or none.
That is why UPONG have used the powerfully credible authority site that is isos to validate all listings. A page hosted by isos provides third party verification clearly showing that ab firm is indeed rated highly, to really ram home how prestigious these certificates are. By merely linking to a specified file on the isos site, the rating is instantly verifiable to anyone with a left clickable mouse, which according to our data is 97% of internet users.”
Of course, cost is always an issue. Thankfully, UPONG have kept costs to a minimum, and these industry leading accreditation and ranking certificates can be purchased online right now for the grand sum of US$25 for a top 25 worldwide rating, and/or the bargain basement price of only US$15 to be a top 5 rated firm in your country / area of choice.
To register your interest in this unbelievable product, please fill in the details below, and you will be presented with a certificate on the spot.
Independontly means we can say for sure they paid us.
August 24th, 2006
Aries
Do not be afraid to give yourself permission to enjoy, for the road to ranking Nirvana is not the path of disenchanted disinterest. For the flower of the inner child is but a reflection of all that sounds purple.
Taurus
With mercury rising this month, your reciprocal linking prospects look dim. Fear not, because link partners made in haste often fail to live up to their promise as the seasons change. A new month will bring fresh changes, with a chance encounter early in September turning things around. Avoid cheese.
Gemini
Unlike the man from Nantucket, whose dick was so big it ended up on a pr0n site, you should not follow the path unto affiliate pr0n traffic, for the lunar cycle of August bodes not well for such endeavours. Instead, channel your energies through the chakra into sites of white purity. Avoid the letter F.
Cancer
It is not for you the way of spam. Black may be slimming, but the effects of black hat SEO on dietary supplement sites is not a combination you should pursue. You lucky numbers will remain 22 and 18, while your lucky colour is Turquoise.
Leo
Ideas just flow from you. The stars want you to make sure that those good intentions bear fruit, so apply all that creativity and knowledge and get something down online. Call in a friend to review your work only if that friend has a water sign. Avoid anything that contains honey.
Virgo
Consider buying that domain you have long had your eye on but where not sure was a wise investment, as August brings new life to old ideas that you had thought discredited. Also consider splurging on non-essentials, as in August you will reap thrice what you squander.
Libra
Do you romanticise the web? You shouldn’t! For every domain that is bought three go left unloved, and it is for you time to do some loving. Consider domains with hyphens, as the ASCII for hyphen is 45, your lucky number for both August and late July.
Scorpio
Replace scepticism with curiosity and see what a difference it makes in your life. Look within yourself and find the answers to your ranking problems in your heart. Soon, you’ll be attracting the vibrant, creative and interesting people you’ve always longed to have in your web team. Let the colour Amber be your guide, and the traffic and ROI you desire will arrive when you are ready to accept it.
Sagittarius
Just when you thought things were calm and settled, surprises leap out at you from nowhere. While all this stimulation leaves you feeling a little on edge, your rankings will benefit from the increased traffic generated by all the surprises.
Capricorn
Some people need to ask permission — unconsciously or on forums — before they do anything. But, that impulse is totally foreign to your nature. Higher forces and a much different agenda drive you, and the stars are aligned for a breakthrough ranking on a second tier SE. Consider PPC only later in the month, as the forces of Mars negatively impact both your CTR and average CPC early.
Aquarius
Congratulations! Your PageRank will rise one notch. But the daily grind of research and doing will leave you without the calm and tranquillity you need to achieve maximum SEO effect. Take time to leave the house, breath fresh air and let the sun revitalise your Aura. A moment ain reflective pondering will produce more than it costs.
Pisces
Something smells fishy with your site. Black Hat, Black Hat, spam me a tale, cook up my site as fast as you can. Leave the daily grind of work far behind, and quit for the promised land of AdSense revenue. But not until after August 3rd, when the moon will affect your Chi. Your lucky animal is the Bilby.
July 25th, 2006
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