1. I don’t have anything to say. As the words to psycho killer go:
You’re talkin’ a lot, but you’re not sayin’ anything.
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed.
Say something once, why say it again?
Psycho Killer,
Qu’est-ce que c’est? (fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa faaaa fa fa fa).
If I can’t add anything of interest or note, I don’t add anything at all.
2. A conversation requires people talking and listening. I like to listen (at least online 
). I spend a lot of time reading other people’s stuff, to try to find my position. Until I know what that is, I am not going to fake it by sounding more certain than I am, as I am no fan of rocketbooming just to sound guru-ish.
3. I require a lot of inspiration. Sometimes the muse wants me to be a blogger, at other times she wants me to be a thinker, at other times a lazy bum. Or so it seems, anyway.
4. I am addicted to brain crack. I know, it’s bad, but we all have our addictions.
5. I stupidly chose a niche that requires a lot of thought, creativity and work (do you know how long it takes to draw find a picture of a Trapezoidal Linking Matriflux? No? Let e tell you, it is several minutes. SEVERAL). Couple that with very, very little reward (except personal which never really floated my boat much) and you have the world’s least active regualrish blog.
6. (Bonus reason) The weather is good ATM. The second winter hits, I bet the number of posts here triples. That would make an interesting study actually, the blog to temperature ratio. I bet warm, tropical paradises have rather low incidents of blogging.
I would tag someone else, but everyone else I know has already been tagged.
April 10th, 2007
After the moderate levels of quasi interest generated by my SEO Mailbox from last year, the naughty boys and girls of isos have invited me back to do round two, and let you know of all the SEO things that kiddies want this year.
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Dear Santa,
My daddy has been creating unique, useful and link worthy content all year, focussed upon hot topics and popular keywords. But daddy says he can’t play with us until he gets an article on the front page of Digg. Can you please help him get on the first page of Digg for Christmas, so that he will play with me and Amanda? We really miss him!
Thanx Big Man, Love,
Timmy “SEO Orphan” Sampson
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Dear Timmy,
Unfortunately, Santa’s elves were recently banned from Digg for making too many kiddie’s Christmas wishes come true, so our power to get stuff on the front page has pretty much been rendered sterile. Heck, even Rudolph was banned by the f%$^%$ers at Digg. Do you know how hard it is to “Digg” something with hoofs?
I tell ya, I am so mad that no one at Digg is getting a Wii for Christmas this year, let alone an Xbox. Best they can hope for is a Super Nintendo and one working game… a BAD game.
Anyhoo, sorry, but Santa no can do. However, if it helps, Santa can arrange a snow storm that knocks out internet in your home town that will force daddy to play with you. How does that sound for a compromise?
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Dear Santa,
My mummy and I both really hate men since daddy left us for that stripper from town. The disgusting pig bought himself a new sports car, got an earring and general is living it up while we struggle with only basic cable, and without a second computer, forcing us all to share!
Anyway, Mum reckons that men are scum, and that daddy’s mid-life crisis makes him look like a dick, and her new “special friend” Susan, who gets to sleep in mummy’s bed, agrees (her husband left her for secretary who was only 17), so they set up a site, www.menarescumandshoulddie.com.
This site is still sandboxed by Google, and all we want for Christmas is it to no longer be sandboxed and to rank number one for “men” and “man”. Can you please do that for us for Christmas?
Thanx! Love,
Mary “I hate Dad, but not because Mum bad mouthed him in front of me or made me like his lawyers claim, but cause he is a showvanist pig” Jones
PS I know you are a man, but mum says that, when the revolution comes and all the men are lined up against a wall to be shot, you will be in the group, with Dr Phil, that guy from men are from mars and Sean Connery, that is spared for breeding purposes, cause you lot are, like, alright.
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Hi Mary,
Um, OK, sure, I can help mummy’s site do better, no probs. Um, well, not a number one ranking for “men”, but how about number one for “bitter ex-wives”? Does that sound fair?
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Dear Santa,
Last year, I requested that you do something about your appalling weight. I believed, and still believe, that you are a heart attack waiting to happen, and a very poor role model for youth who already lead a slothful existence chained to a chair by a growing culture of computers, digital media and parental fear at child predators.
In the year since, you have done nothing to fix this issue, despite the plethora of celebrity fat camps, biggest loser shows and general help offered to the morbidly obese, such as yourself. It is with much sadness and a pompous sense of self righteousness that I am writing to you to state that, should you fail to address your massive weight issues within the next 12 months, I will be forced to engage in a massive grassroots letter writing campaign, aimed at having all images of yourself removed from next year’s Xmas celebrations.
Please do not force my hand on this issue Mr Claus because, as the people at the local pet shop discovered, I will not rest until any cause I take up has been successful.
You have been warned…
Cordially,
Sarah ‘Concerned’ Smith.
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Dear Sarah,
Santa understands your concern, and has taken your comments onboard. Since last you wrote, Santa has reduced his cholesterol significantly, and begun to take a half hour walk daily, which given Santa lives in a place with permanent snow, is a lot trickier than it sounds.
Whilst Santa has lost over 20 pounds, it clearly has not changed Santa’s morbidly obese appearance.
I am pleased, however, to announce that talks are underway for Santa to indeed be on a celebrity version of The Biggest Loser, most likely in 2009. Until then, Santa is afraid that, with a hectic lifestyle and the elven Collective Bargaining Agreement from 1997 expiring early next year, and a new heavy hitting team appointed by the elfish union to draft a new version, Santa probably won’t be able to lose much, if any, weight by Xmas 2007.
Santa hopes the compromise of 2008 is acceptable, and that Santa can lose enough weight to win the money on offer.
Santa
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Dear… um… Santa,
Yes, I know it’s been a while since I wrote to you. I’m um… 43 now. Time flies doesn’t it? He he he… but anyway… here’s the thing.
See I made these websites (I’m into that now!) and they are doing OK, but I need your help. I know this is a big request, but I think you are the ONLY guy who can pull it off. And I promise I’ve been good this year, really good… so…
Can you PLEASE FIX THE DMOZ???
All these other sites in my space have had DMOZ listing for years and if I don’t get listed, well, I’ll just jump off a bridge I guess because life isn’t worth living without a DMOZ listing.
And when you fix it… can you like, really fix it? I mean, make them list my site in a week or so, or just bring ‘em coal and switches.
I know you can do this Santa… you’re the man. I’ve never stopped believing, dude.
Be careful on that sleigh ride, man! Don’t fall out or anything. I’ll put some Jack Daniels in the eggnog for ya.
Fred “Noobie” Fowler
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Dear Fred-
Well, well, well. Santa hasn’t heard from you since the “bottle rocket” incident back in ‘74. I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone and Blitzen’s tail healed pretty well (although there’s still a strip of fur that never grew back.)
You want me to fix the DMOZ? Can I build you a bridge to Hawaii instead? We might get it done faster.
The thing is, son, the DMOZ really doesn’t want to be fixed. Sure, I would throw some pixie dust their way and things might get organized for a while, but in a few months it would be the same box of fishhooks.
Santa has started his own directory though, and, being Santa, it will be magical. I’ll put you down for a few listings for Christmas, but you have to do something for me first.
I know you think I can’t see those porn and viagra links you have in pale grey text on your home page, but trust me, I know when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake and get those off of there. Help me to help you.
Santa can’t do Jack Daniels anymore Fred, although I appreciate the thought. I had a bad episode where I left something in the fireplace that wasn’t very festive. You could throw in a little Bailey’s if you want to warm Santa’s toes a little!
Santa
December 22nd, 2006
In today’s crazy world, the crazy and paranoid are no longer isolated, dribbling village idiots spinning their delusions on a trusty brick fence.
Today, these people exist in a network connected worldwide via a series of “tubes and pipes” referred to as the “Internet”. These people today have blogs, forum memberships and websites, and the opportunity to build a brand through paranoia has never been greater.
With isos Top Ten Ways To Build Your SEO Brand Through Paranoia, we will show you how to tap into the deep, deep, deep well of the worldwide collection of crazy, paranoia believing people. By following the ten simple, easily implemented and guaranteed points, you will be able to tap into the lucrative and rich vein of paranoid, delusional and even the just slightly distrustful people, while avoiding the many pitfalls that affect Paranoia Marketers® everywhere.
- The Golden rule: FEAR sells
Everyone knows that fear sells. Bush knew it. Cheney knew it. Insurance companies know it. And now you know it. Use it wisely, but not too well.
- FEAR * Danger = Branding
For fear to work, it needs to be nebulous, unstoppable and devastating. Chance you could get a lower ranking? BORING. Chance you could get banned? BINGO!
Your job, as a Paranoia Marketer®, is to go for the jugular, and increase both fear and the perceived danger, by creating scenarios that cost people either their livelihoods, any chance of every recovering, the loss of their personal ability to make money or, ideally, all of the above.
Remember: if the fear is strong, and the danger high, success!
- It Could Happen Today
People worry about unlike and deadly today more than highly likely and deadly tomorrow. What do you think all those fat arsed people eating their super sized Big Macs are more worried about: terrorism or heart disease? Terrorism of course! And why? Because it might happen today. RIGHT NOW.
When writing your articles, make sure everything can happen at any time, particularly RIGHT NOW. Fear and danger alone aren’t enough, you need to make the fear current.
- Certainty, Easy Answers and Hope
Every smart Paranoia Marketer® knows that newbies want three things: certainty, easy answers and hope.
Have you ever noticed how many SEOs claim they don’t and can’t know an answer? Wimps!
Don’t ever fall into that trap. Make sure all of your articles offer simple, quick and inexpensive means that are certain, nay, guaranteed, to provide them with what they really want: millions of dollars with no investment of either money or time.
Building your brand becomes easy when you hit the right mixture of absolute certainty, easy, profitable solutions that people can be frightened of getting wrong. Danger. Fear. Today. Certainty. Easy implementation. Riches. These are the Paranoia Marketer’s® primary tools, and you need to use them at every opportunity.
- Avoid “Facts”, And Instead Rely Upon “Intuitions”
My mum always said “Facts get in the way of telling a good story”, and when it comes to branding with Paranoia Marketing®, she couldn’t be more right. Smart Paranoia Marketers® know this, and avoid facts like the plague. Instead, they rely upon the Big Three: Hearsay, innuendo and Intuition.
To help utilise these powerful tools, try using sentence that ask rhetorical questions that sound menacing, like “Do you trust..” or the Paranoia Marketer’s® two best friends: “Ask yourself this: is it possible?” and “Who can be 100% certain this isn’t happening, or going to happen?”
- Play On Motivation And Vested Interest
Never, ever, make statements that have verifiable answers that aren’t the ones you want. If your theory relies upon a fact people can disprove, you are in trouble.
Instead, rely upon facts that will always be in doubt. That means the motivation of Google, the vested interest of Yahoo and the undeniable evil and world domination desiring goals of MSN. No one can prove that Google aren’t self motivated, nor pretty much anything else that is in someone else’s nature. Play off this every opportunity you get.
- Make Your Points Undeniable
Smart Paranoia Marketers® know the “real” definition of “Undeniable”. Undeniable doesn’t mean true beyond all doubt. Rather, it means “cannot be denied with 100% certainty”. This is the single most powerful fact that you need to realise and utilise.
Never worry how likely the paranoia is, just make sure that, no matter how inceivable, it is, indeed, possible.
- Don’t Be Afraid Of Hyperbole
Too many Paranoia Marketers® make the mistake of avoiding hyperbole. Never, ever use any qualifier when you can reach for a superlative or, even better, an absolute. Consider these too sentences:
“There is a chance you could receive a penalty”
“You will be banned today, and there is no chance you will ever recover“.
It should be obvious to all but the most green of newbie Paranoia Marketers® that the second sentence is far more powerful, and absolutely guaranteed to hit the mark with your target audience.
- Defend Your Efforts In Every And All Forums
Don’t be frightened, get out there and defend yourself! No matter how much the “locals” will think they are winning (and don’t they just always think that?), you are the real winner. Every forum has at least one paranoid, crazy member, if not an active member then certainly a lurker. These are the people you need to connect with, and simply showing up and defending your work will get that job done. It may take 4, 5, maybe 15 pages, but you will get there in the end.
- {REMOVED}
We are sorry, but this idea is just too powerful to let out into the hands of newbies. But you need to know it or you could sufer the “Google Death” TODAY. If you are smart, you will Email Us right now to avoid this deadly, common mistake.
- Bonus Step: Never Give Up, Never Surrender
If the amount of private emails and messages that isos get (and agree not to publish) are anything to go by, the support for Paranoia Marketing® principals is growing exponentially every day. Don’t be discouraged if your first few attempts miss the mark. Just keep throwing Paranoid mud against a conspiratorial wall, and eventually some will stick. For every yawn inducing “Google set 38 year cookie”, there is a “logfiles of all search terms the government can ask” for gold nugget waiting to be exploited for your brand building purposes.
You’ll never know which paranoid ideas work if you don’t throw them out there, so start publishing your paranoid delusions today. What are you waiting for? You know they’ll do it if you don’t!
November 1st, 2006
