Breaking our own long standing editorial rule on puns (editor: right, like you ever editted/proof read/considered these posts at all), isos wish to report on the controversy surrounding the case of Matt Cutts and the noxious gases.
Not the actual act itself. Oh no, we couldn’t care less about whether it happenned or not. I mean, really, who cares about facts these days? The real news is the reporting of other people’s reporting of someone else’s comments on something that no one can quite remember. Outrage about something is just so damned hot right now.
Anyhoo, it seems that the unfortunate confluence of gases, discomfort, human biology and one man has sent the Interwebtubes into a absolute tizzy from which the keyboards of the world may never recover.
SEOblogbloke77 claims that the passing of wind was “hypocritical, what with youtube’s stance on ‘adult’ themes, and shows yet again Google’s descent into the abyss of evil.” Amanda over @ SEOmothers.com, however, wants to know “what about the children? Why won’t anyone think about the chidlren? If passing wind is now acceptable and even indoorsed (sic), kids everywhere will start telling fart jokes, and we are right back to 1999 and the dark days of Beavis and Butthead.”
Other commentators link it to the great Hitler controversy of 1939, when an unfortunate Bratwurst caused the Fuhrer to be so iritable that invading Poland was the only distraction that worked. Some have even claimed the fart was mentioned in the Book of Revelations as a sign of the Apocalypse, and some of the Buddhist SEOs claimed that the fart was a reincarnation of one dropped at thr start of last century by the author Hemmingway.
But not all comments have been negative or exagerated. A few, just a few, were overwhelming in their stance that it “was just gas”, and more than a few people pointed out that “everyone does it. What’s the big deal?”
Aparently, the big deal is that Matt Cutts did it, and everything he does/thinks/writes/considers/can be misquoted to kinda sorta make it seem like he agreed to is news. Heaven help us all if he ever goes all Hans Reiser on us. Someone might blow a vein in their temples!
@isos, we are simply excited that, after months and months of nothingness, an obscure and rather trivial event in Mr Cutts life has allowed a bored, unimaginative, out of ideas blog community with, lets be honest, not much left to say to get all hot and heavy and worked up about how much everyone else is getting all worked up, hot and heavy. This nerd blogging orgy, whilst prurient in the most repugnant and vomit inducing way imaginable, at least passed the three hours we spent at the airport surrounded by ugly people.
And really, could there possibly be a higher calling for this great medium than a nerd orgy of pointlessness to distract the airport laden?
May 30th, 2008
In yet another SEM industry leading move, UPONG has released the final copy of there ambivalently anticipated and quasi-interesting Standards.
“All members will be held to this far reaching and historic document”, acting head seo_master_77 told isos. “and If they don’t, we’ll not only kick the %$#%$#ers out, but publically humilate them at every oportunity. We gots us some principles!”
Preamble
The thought of anything as useless and obfuscating as a preamble is detestable to UPONG.
U-Whoo?
The Underpanters Professional And Openly Naked Guild (UPONG) is an organisation for people who prefer to work, not get dressed up. UPONG members are renowned for their cutting edge results, knowledge and research, not their fashion choices, Fabio.
Truth
- We will perform all SEO and SEM tasks either fully naked or in a state of undress dictated only by weather and not social convention.
- I will wear a suit only if someone who either contributed to, shares, was made from or helped make someone from my DNA dies.
- We will live by the UPONG motto that professionalism === results, professionalism != looks.
- We will work twice as hard as someone who looks three times as good, and produce four times the results.
- We will work to improve skills, knowledge and talents, not the ability to BS.
- We will not drink the 9-5 Koolaid - if we wanna work til 3 am, we will.
- We will only use avatars that are of some obscure pop-culture reference that only truly worthy ppl will grasp.
Respect
- We will provde all clients with the ultimate sign of respect: 100% honesty aye.
- We will treat all collegues with repect, but reserve the right to refer to them as “marketing people” only in public, and use only four letter words to describe them in private.
- We will not tolerate fools willingly or, if they refuse to learn, at all.
Responsibility
- We are responsible to our clients, and will provide full, frank and honest advice, and will not claim knowledge we don’t have.
- We will constantly learn and educate ourselves by reading as wide as possible from sources that have a history of knowing their shit, who are interested in teaching and learnign and not raising their profile in a sort of public ego masturbation.
- We will do all we can to re-educate those who lack the clarity of thought to understand that this shit works.
April 13th, 2008
After a recent spate of articles deriding the snarky, nasty nature of the SEM blogotrapezoid, UPONG President S.E. O’Guru has been forced to issue a press release setting the record straight. UPONG claims that the popular organisation is, in fact, the first SEM body to start “getting its hate on”, according to Mr O’Guru.
“We hated first”, S.E. O’Guru told isos. “We were so totally first that not only did we start the hate, but we commented ‘FIRST’ in the comments. This shows yet again what a pioneering institution UPONG is, and how totally ahead of the game we are.”
Asked to support these claims, Mr O’Guru said “Look at the name, man. It is exclusory. We don’t take just anyone, and we hate on anyone that isn’t one of ‘us’. And hate fully isn’t even a strong enough word. Super-mega-ultra-inflaminate-destroyify is closer to the mark, and even that only describes 3/8s of my rage and hatred.”
And why did Mr O’Guru choose now to make this statement?
“Because hate has become such a bandwagon, it makes me sick. Everyone now thinks they are soooo original when they say things like so and so sux, or so and so licks such and such’s rude parts. UPONG just needed to set the record straight, and demonstrate yet again that UPONG, as with all SEM initiatives, was first. First with a capital go F yourself. And we wanted to let all those people claiming the hate is widespread know where to fire their missles of rage, because we are so ready for you. Take your best shot, I double dare you!”
January 16th, 2008
