In yet another SEM industry leading move, UPONG has released the final copy of there ambivalently anticipated and quasi-interesting Standards.
“All members will be held to this far reaching and historic document”, acting head seo_master_77 told isos. “and If they don’t, we’ll not only kick the %$#%$#ers out, but publically humilate them at every oportunity. We gots us some principles!”
Preamble
The thought of anything as useless and obfuscating as a preamble is detestable to UPONG.
U-Whoo?
The Underpanters Professional And Openly Naked Guild (UPONG) is an organisation for people who prefer to work, not get dressed up. UPONG members are renowned for their cutting edge results, knowledge and research, not their fashion choices, Fabio.
Truth
We will perform all SEO and SEM tasks either fully naked or in a state of undress dictated only by weather and not social convention.
I will wear a suit only if someone who either contributed to, shares, was made from or helped make someone from my DNA dies.
We will live by the UPONG motto that professionalism === results, professionalism != looks.
We will work twice as hard as someone who looks three times as good, and produce four times the results.
We will work to improve skills, knowledge and talents, not the ability to BS.
We will not drink the 9-5 Koolaid - if we wanna work til 3 am, we will.
We will only use avatars that are of some obscure pop-culture reference that only truly worthy ppl will grasp.
Respect
We will provde all clients with the ultimate sign of respect: 100% honesty aye.
We will treat all collegues with repect, but reserve the right to refer to them as “marketing people” only in public, and use only four letter words to describe them in private.
We will not tolerate fools willingly or, if they refuse to learn, at all.
Responsibility
We are responsible to our clients, and will provide full, frank and honest advice, and will not claim knowledge we don’t have.
We will constantly learn and educate ourselves by reading as wide as possible from sources that have a history of knowing their shit, who are interested in teaching and learnign and not raising their profile in a sort of public ego masturbation.
We will do all we can to re-educate those who lack the clarity of thought to understand that this shit works.
After a recent spate of articles deriding the snarky, nasty nature of the SEM blogotrapezoid, UPONG President S.E. O’Guru has been forced to issue a press release setting the record straight. UPONG claims that the popular organisation is, in fact, the first SEM body to start “getting its hate on”, according to Mr O’Guru.
“We hated first”, S.E. O’Guru told isos. “We were so totally first that not only did we start the hate, but we commented ‘FIRST’ in the comments. This shows yet again what a pioneering institution UPONG is, and how totally ahead of the game we are.”
Asked to support these claims, Mr O’Guru said “Look at the name, man. It is exclusory. We don’t take just anyone, and we hate on anyone that isn’t one of ‘us’. And hate fully isn’t even a strong enough word. Super-mega-ultra-inflaminate-destroyify is closer to the mark, and even that only describes 3/8s of my rage and hatred.”
And why did Mr O’Guru choose now to make this statement?
“Because hate has become such a bandwagon, it makes me sick. Everyone now thinks they are soooo original when they say things like so and so sux, or so and so licks such and such’s rude parts. UPONG just needed to set the record straight, and demonstrate yet again that UPONG, as with all SEM initiatives, was first. First with a capital go F yourself. And we wanted to let all those people claiming the hate is widespread know where to fire their missles of rage, because we are so ready for you. Take your best shot, I double dare you!”
I was fully reading JW’s latest article and OMG, rofl, Don’t Sweat the Small SEO Stuff and OMG, LOL, that is the “worst” article I have EVER “read”.
First of all, by small things she says she means “things like how many words or characters should be in a title tag”. OMG, LOL, I can’t BELIEVE that. The title tag doesn’t matter? Since when? Obviously people like me, S. E. O’Guru and people like me have no clue what is going on.
Then JW says more stupid things like “Despite what Google and their webmaster guidelines would like you to believe, there are no rules when it comes to SEO”. Huh? Who is she kidding? There are no rules? No rules? Then what have people like me been teaching all these years? Of course there are rules, and only an idiot spammer friend wouldn’t think there were.
This is the “worst” article I have read in years, and I really have to say that “no one” should ever read this article “EVER”.
