On the heels of Google’s recent announcement, which their blog terms “just the first step in the evolution toward universal search,” rumors are swirling that they are nearly ready to take the second step, code-named Omniscient Search.
According to a Google spokesperson of indeterminate gender (let’s call him/her “Pat”), “We don’t believe muddled thinking, unclear objectives or poor spelling should stand in the way of someone being able to find what they’re seeking. Google 2.1 (Build 1.06g), Omniscient Search, will make that possible. Let’s face it — we’ve got a better idea than most searchers what it is they’re really looking for, and we certainly know better than they do how to find it.”
“So, let’s say, for instance, you’ve misplaced your car keys. All you do is type in to Google: ‘Now where are my keys?’ and we will return results blending informative articles outlining industry best practices for locating lost items, humorous blog entries and MySpace comments from your so-called friends debating whether or not it’s a good idea for you to be allowed to drive in the first place, photos from Flickr showing your keys lurking in the far left corner of your kitchen counter behind the stack of empty pizza boxes and beer cans from last night’s party, and a YouTube video of your mom fussing at you for keeping such a messy house.”
“Pat“ also confirmed Google is evaluating the feasibility of equipping robotic agents with the ability to read your brain waves and physically retrieve and deliver to you whatever you’re searching for, thus eliminating the final hurdle — people who don’t own or have access to computers with which to run Google searches — standing between Google and total world domination.
Leading search industry pundits have already agreed to designate this third-stage development as Google 3.8, Service Pack 2, but it will apparently be officially referred to by Google as Omnipresent Search. Rumors are swirling that the U.S. military will participate in testing; their initial test will reportedly be a search on the phrase “Osama Bin Laden.”
May 24th, 2007
OMG. LOL. Too funny, I am shocked OMG OMG OMG.
I was fully reading JW’s latest article and OMG, rofl, Don’t Sweat the Small SEO Stuff and OMG, LOL, that is the “worst” article I have EVER “read”.
First of all, by small things she says she means “things like how many words or characters should be in a title tag”. OMG, LOL, I can’t BELIEVE that. The title tag doesn’t matter? Since when? Obviously people like me, S. E. O’Guru and people like me have no clue what is going on.
Then JW says more stupid things like “Despite what Google and their webmaster guidelines would like you to believe, there are no rules when it comes to SEO”. Huh? Who is she kidding? There are no rules? No rules? Then what have people like me been teaching all these years? Of course there are rules, and only an idiot spammer friend wouldn’t think there were.
This is the “worst” article I have read in years, and I really have to say that “no one” should ever read this article “EVER”.
May 13th, 2007
When Terry* started his SEO forum, blog and business, he took the only sane advice he could find on the internet, and decided to employ isos incredible Springer Forum Marketing tactics.
“Did I ever”, Terry told isos. “I was insulting people up the Yinn Yang. I fully called Danny Suillivan "Americenglish", cause he is like American living in England, and I totally called Jill Whalen Jack and asked her when she would go up a hill and die. You know, like that rockin’ nursery rhyme. That killed.”
Unfortunately, Terry discovered a schocking truth: after a while, people stopped caring what he said. His forum and blog, which had originally generated millions of comments and posts, started to become empty to the point of becoming a ghost town.
“It broke my heart”, Terry said. “Here I was, putting in all this effort, and the today’s posts started bringing up fewer and fewer topics.”
The low point, Terry told us, was the day he when, due to a lunch date downstairs with his mum, Terry didn’t get to check the day’s posts until 3pm. What he saw shocked him.
“Not one post. Nada. Zip. Zilch. The big goose egg. The popualtion of Cydonia, Mars. Not a single, solitary post.”
Terry, heart broken and beside himself, tried everything to get things started again.
“I started insultuing anyone I could think of. Famous SEOs, not so famous SEOs, people who hade more than ten forum posts, people with less than ten forum posts. The President. If it hadn’t been for that visit from the nice people in the secret service, I wouldn’t have thought any of the insults were even heard.”
It was at this low point that Terry had a brain flash.
“I finally thought of a way to generate posts: laughing at spammers. I set up a forum where I moved all the spam posts my forum got, and I started poking fun at the spammers, calling them names like "clueless". It wasn’t working real well at first, but then I submitted my site to every spam list I could find, and before long, I had upwards of 50 spam posts a day. Moving them to my Spamming Idiot Toads forum gave me what appeared to be an active forum, and I was finally happy again.”
Things haven’t improved too much since then, as pretty much only the spammers post at his forum these days, but at least its a start, and a few straglers come in once in a while and post things like “LOL” and “ROFL”.
“In any case”, Terry told isos. “People need to be aware that Springer Forum Marketing has a corollary: if you are a massive dickhead, eventually people will just ignore you, so be careful how much of a prick you market yourself as.”
*: Not his real name
May 9th, 2007
