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Google Announces rel="soul_bought" Link Attribute
April 25th, 2007 by Mike
In an attempt to reduce the effectiveness of the awesomely powerful Soul Sellin’ Link Bonanza (SSLB) Program™, Google today announced the addition of a new link attribute, rel="soul_bought".
“Recently, we integrated Ouija Board’s into our algorithms, and we have had tremendous success detecting soul bought links” , a Google engineer who’s name isn’t Matt Cutts (lets call her Phil) told isos.
“However, we recognise that many webmasters sell their soul for the traffic the links will bring, and not to manipulate Search Engines. We have no problem with such webmasters, and are not looking to punish. Well, not anymore than they will inevitably suffer in the pits of hell, or whatever their faith dictates as etrnal punishment.
“To help such webmasters avoid problems with Google, we have developed and recommend that all webmasters who buy links with their eternal soul clearly label such links with the new link attribute rel="soul_bought". Thjis will convey to Google that the link in question isn;t editorial, but has been procured at great cost to the buyer, and under great duress for the seller”.
Phil continued on that “.. we have also released a new prayer that people can chant to enable them to communicate directly with our servers and spam report soul sellers. Simply chant ‘{URL_OF_BUYER} is buying links. You can see the paid links on {URL_OF_SELLER}/path/page.html’ over and over again, making sure to include the relevant religion specific salutations. To make this super easy, we have translated this into all major religions, including Christian, Muslim, Jewish and Buddhism, and hope soon to add the more esoteric Eastern religions, such as Hinduism and some of the more prominant Voodoo and African religions.”
Beelzebub inc CEO Lucifer, developers of the Soul Sellin’ Link Bonanza (SSLB) Program™ was, not surprisingly, outraged by this latest development. “Google have finally crossed the line. Not only do Google want to tell you what to do with your site, but now they want to say what you can and can’t do with your soul. It is an absolute disgrace, and a real shame. But really, what do you expect from a company who’s motto is ‘Do No Evil’?”
Lucifer also raised concerns that these new developments posed privacy issues, with Google not only refusing to rule out sharing the information with deities, but refusing to even specify which ones.
“I wonder, do Christians want to share their information with Ganesh, to say nothing of the pagan Gods? The privacy issues are huge, and until Google properly documents and ratifies the standard with all other major Search Engines and religions, and promises not to share the data with any deity the user either doesn’t believe in or isn’t comfortable with, we not only strongly recommend against using this tag, but urge all sane webmasters to boycott this development, and keep SEO comp-letely out of prayers, chants and incantations.”
Phil refused to address the privacy concerns, but she did say that “.. we can assure you that Google complies with all relevant privacy laws, including those created by both man and God.” Phil also said that there are no specific passages in either the Bible or the Qoran on the issue of privacy, making religious compliance “something we aim for, but might never achieve”.
For our part, isos feel that any effort to either label links or pray about soul sellers is foolish. Google make enough to employ their own chanters, seancers and mediums, and we should leave them to work it out for themselves without our help.
Entry Filed under: Mike's Ramblings
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