In Search Of Stuff

Santa’s SEO, Christmas Mailbox II

December 22nd, 2006 by Santa

After the moderate levels of quasi interest generated by my SEO Mailbox from last year, the naughty boys and girls of isos have invited me back to do round two, and let you know of all the SEO things that kiddies want this year.

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Dear Santa,

My daddy has been creating unique, useful and link worthy content all year, focussed upon hot topics and popular keywords. But daddy says he can’t play with us until he gets an article on the front page of Digg. Can you please help him get on the first page of Digg for Christmas, so that he will play with me and Amanda? We really miss him!

Thanx Big Man, Love,
Timmy “SEO Orphan” Sampson

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Dear Timmy,

Unfortunately, Santa’s elves were recently banned from Digg for making too many kiddie’s Christmas wishes come true, so our power to get stuff on the front page has pretty much been rendered sterile. Heck, even Rudolph was banned by the f%$^%$ers at Digg. Do you know how hard it is to “Digg” something with hoofs?

I tell ya, I am so mad that no one at Digg is getting a Wii for Christmas this year, let alone an Xbox. Best they can hope for is a Super Nintendo and one working game… a BAD game.

Anyhoo, sorry, but Santa no can do. However, if it helps, Santa can arrange a snow storm that knocks out internet in your home town that will force daddy to play with you. How does that sound for a compromise?

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Dear Santa,

My mummy and I both really hate men since daddy left us for that stripper from town. The disgusting pig bought himself a new sports car, got an earring and general is living it up while we struggle with only basic cable, and without a second computer, forcing us all to share!

Anyway, Mum reckons that men are scum, and that daddy’s mid-life crisis makes him look like a dick, and her new “special friend” Susan, who gets to sleep in mummy’s bed, agrees (her husband left her for secretary who was only 17), so they set up a site, www.menarescumandshoulddie.com.

This site is still sandboxed by Google, and all we want for Christmas is it to no longer be sandboxed and to rank number one for “men” and “man”. Can you please do that for us for Christmas?

Thanx! Love,
Mary “I hate Dad, but not because Mum bad mouthed him in front of me or made me like his lawyers claim, but cause he is a showvanist pig” Jones

PS I know you are a man, but mum says that, when the revolution comes and all the men are lined up against a wall to be shot, you will be in the group, with Dr Phil, that guy from men are from mars and Sean Connery, that is spared for breeding purposes, cause you lot are, like, alright.

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Hi Mary,

Um, OK, sure, I can help mummy’s site do better, no probs. Um, well, not a number one ranking for “men”, but how about number one for “bitter ex-wives”? Does that sound fair?

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Dear Santa,

Last year, I requested that you do something about your appalling weight. I believed, and still believe, that you are a heart attack waiting to happen, and a very poor role model for youth who already lead a slothful existence chained to a chair by a growing culture of computers, digital media and parental fear at child predators.

In the year since, you have done nothing to fix this issue, despite the plethora of celebrity fat camps, biggest loser shows and general help offered to the morbidly obese, such as yourself. It is with much sadness and a pompous sense of self righteousness that I am writing to you to state that, should you fail to address your massive weight issues within the next 12 months, I will be forced to engage in a massive grassroots letter writing campaign, aimed at having all images of yourself removed from next year’s Xmas celebrations.

Please do not force my hand on this issue Mr Claus because, as the people at the local pet shop discovered, I will not rest until any cause I take up has been successful.

You have been warned…

Cordially,
Sarah ‘Concerned’ Smith.

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Dear Sarah,

Santa understands your concern, and has taken your comments onboard. Since last you wrote, Santa has reduced his cholesterol significantly, and begun to take a half hour walk daily, which given Santa lives in a place with permanent snow, is a lot trickier than it sounds.

Whilst Santa has lost over 20 pounds, it clearly has not changed Santa’s morbidly obese appearance.

I am pleased, however, to announce that talks are underway for Santa to indeed be on a celebrity version of The Biggest Loser, most likely in 2009. Until then, Santa is afraid that, with a hectic lifestyle and the elven Collective Bargaining Agreement from 1997 expiring early next year, and a new heavy hitting team appointed by the elfish union to draft a new version, Santa probably won’t be able to lose much, if any, weight by Xmas 2007.

Santa hopes the compromise of 2008 is acceptable, and that Santa can lose enough weight to win the money on offer.

Santa

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Dear… um… Santa,

Yes, I know it’s been a while since I wrote to you. I’m um… 43 now. Time flies doesn’t it? He he he… but anyway… here’s the thing.

See I made these websites (I’m into that now!) and they are doing OK, but I need your help. I know this is a big request, but I think you are the ONLY guy who can pull it off. And I promise I’ve been good this year, really good… so…

Can you PLEASE FIX THE DMOZ???

All these other sites in my space have had DMOZ listing for years and if I don’t get listed, well, I’ll just jump off a bridge I guess because life isn’t worth living without a DMOZ listing.

And when you fix it… can you like, really fix it? I mean, make them list my site in a week or so, or just bring ‘em coal and switches.

I know you can do this Santa… you’re the man. I’ve never stopped believing, dude.

Be careful on that sleigh ride, man! Don’t fall out or anything. I’ll put some Jack Daniels in the eggnog for ya.

Fred “Noobie” Fowler
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Dear Fred-

Well, well, well. Santa hasn’t heard from you since the “bottle rocket” incident back in ‘74. I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone and Blitzen’s tail healed pretty well (although there’s still a strip of fur that never grew back.)

You want me to fix the DMOZ? Can I build you a bridge to Hawaii instead? We might get it done faster.

The thing is, son, the DMOZ really doesn’t want to be fixed. Sure, I would throw some pixie dust their way and things might get organized for a while, but in a few months it would be the same box of fishhooks.

Santa has started his own directory though, and, being Santa, it will be magical. I’ll put you down for a few listings for Christmas, but you have to do something for me first.

I know you think I can’t see those porn and viagra links you have in pale grey text on your home page, but trust me, I know when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake and get those off of there. Help me to help you.

Santa can’t do Jack Daniels anymore Fred, although I appreciate the thought. I had a bad episode where I left something in the fireplace that wasn’t very festive. You could throw in a little Bailey’s if you want to warm Santa’s toes a little!

Santa

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Entry Filed under: Mike's Ramblings