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PRSubjugatorTM Tool- Control Your Search Listings
November 8th, 2006 by scottie
You’re a savvy web marketer. You’ve heard people talk about making money with websites for years and it’s time for you to cash in.
You’ve researched the dropshippers, checked out the affiliate programs and taken a hard look at click pimping. Once you’ve picked your monetization route and set up the website-in-a-box solution you’ve purchased, all you need to start raking in the dough is some suckers, um …I mean visitors to your sites who have credit card in hand and are ready to click wherever you tell them to. So you use your website control panel to “Submit to thousands of search engines.”
This is so easy! You should have done this years ago.
However, there isn’t any instant money… what’s the problem?
It’s those dratted search engines… they aren’t ranking your site! How dare they! How are you supposed to make an easy million if you aren’t getting free traffic from the engines? They owe you because they are the biggest driver of traffic on the Internet and they have a responsibility to make sure you can pay your mortgage! Greedy bastards…
Getting good search engine rankings these days can take more than a year. Who has that kind of time? SEO experts and their snotty “work hard and make a great site” advice just don’t understand the kind of pressure you are under. That’s not real advice- you need the magic formula, not business direction. There HAS to be a better way.
Enter the PRSubjugatorTM Tool.
Google is the primary search engine in the world. To get good rankings in Google, you have to have high PR for your site.
We all know that PR is determined by pigeons. This has been common knowledge since it was leaked in 2002. However the pigeons have gotten slower over time. Once upon a time, you could get almost instant rankings as soon as you launched a site. These days, the pigeons may take 6 months to a year to give your site some PR pecking order. Here at ISOS, we think that’s downright unfair and we aren’t going to take it sitting down.
Subjugating the Pigeons
We came up with a strategy to fight back. Knowing that the ranking pigeons have free rein to roam the Googleplex on their smoking breaks, we have secretly been feeding the birds with seed laced with tiny nanobots. Nanobots! No lie.
These tiny nanobots have now taken up their positions inside the birds and attached to the pigeon brain, allowing us to control the pigeons. And he who controls the pigeons, controls the PR… are you following me here?
The PRSubjugatorTM Control Panel
While we’ve amused ourselves up until now with controlling the odd bird here and there to aim a load at unsuspecting but highly ranked Google employees, we are ready to roll out our plan to sell Google rankings to the highest bidders.
No longer will you have to wait in Google purgatory for a year… you can instantly give your affiliate catalog the #1 spot so that you can start raking in the cash… today!
All you do is access your PRSubjugatorTM Control Panel (each is assigned to a different bird) and start controlling your pigeon. You can set your site to #1 while punishing those more deserving sites who spent years earning their spots by giving them a -30 penalty or two. Man, what a rush!
Getting Started
Enter the bidding today while prices are still low. The auction-style bidding helps ensure that keywords will find their true competitive value.
Once you’ve won your search phrase, it will be programmed for a specific pigeon and your web-based control panel will be set up. Once you have your pigeon, you can also spend countless fun hours using it to spy on Google employees, destroy their lunches, or wander the halls of the Googleplex. It’s fun for the whole family!
Buy more keyword phrases and control an entire flock of pigeons. You’ve seen The Birds haven’t you? There is a world of entertainment awaiting you beyond the monetary satisfaction of rearranging your purchased search results.
Pre-Order Your Pigeon Today!
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Entry Filed under: Scottie's Insights, Products
2 Comments Add your own
1. taron | November 17th, 2006 at 7:16 am
Umm. If you can get nanobots into birds’ heads, why not sneak one nanoslave into the equally attractive head of an unsuspecting Google employee? Surely it’d be more fun to tweak the algo here and there (to add +10 bonus to all sites with ‘insearchofstuff’ keyword in domain, for instance).
Then again, making one of the Google founders send you a couple of stocks might be as good, eh?
2. scottie | January 7th, 2007 at 10:07 pm
We have tried that but the nanoslave unfortunately malfunctioned at the wrong time and the resulting chaos totally disrupted the afternoon volleyball game. It’s just too risky.
Besides, we all know the pigeons do all the work around there. The rest is just window-dressing to keep Yahoo and MS from catching on.
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