In Search Of Stuff

PRSubjugator^TM Tool- Control Your Search Listings

You’re a savvy web marketer. You’ve heard people talk about making money with websites for years and it’s time for you to cash in.

You’ve researched the dropshippers, checked out the affiliate programs and taken a hard look at click pimping. Once you’ve picked your monetization route and set up the website-in-a-box solution you’ve purchased, all you need to start raking in the dough is some suckers, um …I mean visitors to your sites who have credit card in hand and are ready to click wherever you tell them to. So you use your website control panel to “Submit to thousands of search engines.”

This is so easy! You should have done this years ago.

However, there isn’t any instant money… what’s the problem?

It’s those dratted search engines… they aren’t ranking your site! How dare they! How are you supposed to make an easy million if you aren’t getting free traffic from the engines? They owe you because they are the biggest driver of traffic on the Internet and they have a responsibility to make sure you can pay your mortgage! Greedy bastards…

Getting good search engine rankings these days can take more than a year. Who has that kind of time? SEO experts and their snotty “work hard and make a great site” advice just don’t understand the kind of pressure you are under. That’s not real advice- you need the magic formula, not business direction. There HAS to be a better way.

Enter the PRSubjugator^TM Tool.

Google is the primary search engine in the world. To get good rankings in Google, you have to have high PR for your site.

We all know that PR is determined by pigeons. This has been common knowledge since it was leaked in 2002. However the pigeons have gotten slower over time. Once upon a time, you could get almost instant rankings as soon as you launched a site. These days, the pigeons may take 6 months to a year to give your site some PR pecking order. Here at ISOS, we think that’s downright unfair and we aren’t going to take it sitting down.

Subjugating the Pigeons

We came up with a strategy to fight back. Knowing that the ranking pigeons have free rein to roam the Googleplex on their smoking breaks, we have secretly been feeding the birds with seed laced with tiny nanobots. Nanobots! No lie.

These tiny nanobots have now taken up their positions inside the birds and attached to the pigeon brain, allowing us to control the pigeons. And he who controls the pigeons, controls the PR… are you following me here?

The PRSubjugator^TM Control Panel

While we’ve amused ourselves up until now with controlling the odd bird here and there to aim a load at unsuspecting but highly ranked Google employees, we are ready to roll out our plan to sell Google rankings to the highest bidders.

No longer will you have to wait in Google purgatory for a year… you can instantly give your affiliate catalog the #1 spot so that you can start raking in the cash… today!

All you do is access your PRSubjugator^TM Control Panel (each is assigned to a different bird) and start controlling your pigeon. You can set your site to #1 while punishing those more deserving sites who spent years earning their spots by giving them a -30 penalty or two. Man, what a rush!

Getting Started

Enter the bidding today while prices are still low. The auction-style bidding helps ensure that keywords will find their true competitive value.

Once you’ve won your search phrase, it will be programmed for a specific pigeon and your web-based control panel will be set up. Once you have your pigeon, you can also spend countless fun hours using it to spy on Google employees, destroy their lunches, or wander the halls of the Googleplex. It’s fun for the whole family!

Buy more keyword phrases and control an entire flock of pigeons. You’ve seen The Birds haven’t you? There is a world of entertainment awaiting you beyond the monetary satisfaction of rearranging your purchased search results.

Pre-Order Your Pigeon Today!

2 comments November 8th, 2006

Top Ten Ways To Build Your SEO Brand Through Paranoia

In today’s crazy world, the crazy and paranoid are no longer isolated, dribbling village idiots spinning their delusions on a trusty brick fence.

Today, these people exist in a network connected worldwide via a series of “tubes and pipes” referred to as the “Internet”. These people today have blogs, forum memberships and websites, and the opportunity to build a brand through paranoia has never been greater.

With isos Top Ten Ways To Build Your SEO Brand Through Paranoia, we will show you how to tap into the deep, deep, deep well of the worldwide collection of crazy, paranoia believing people. By following the ten simple, easily implemented and guaranteed points, you will be able to tap into the lucrative and rich vein of paranoid, delusional and even the just slightly distrustful people, while avoiding the many pitfalls that affect Paranoia Marketers® everywhere.

1. The Golden rule: FEAR sells

Everyone knows that fear sells. Bush knew it. Cheney knew it. Insurance companies know it. And now you know it. Use it wisely, but not too well.

2. FEAR * Danger = Branding

For fear to work, it needs to be nebulous, unstoppable and devastating. Chance you could get a lower ranking? BORING. Chance you could get banned? BINGO!

Your job, as a Paranoia Marketer®, is to go for the jugular, and increase both fear and the perceived danger, by creating scenarios that cost people either their livelihoods, any chance of every recovering, the loss of their personal ability to make money or, ideally, all of the above.

Remember: if the fear is strong, and the danger high, success!

3. It Could Happen Today

People worry about unlike and deadly today more than highly likely and deadly tomorrow. What do you think all those fat arsed people eating their super sized Big Macs are more worried about: terrorism or heart disease? Terrorism of course! And why? Because it might happen today. RIGHT NOW.

When writing your articles, make sure everything can happen at any time, particularly RIGHT NOW. Fear and danger alone aren’t enough, you need to make the fear current.

4. Certainty, Easy Answers and Hope

Every smart Paranoia Marketer® knows that newbies want three things: certainty, easy answers and hope.

Have you ever noticed how many SEOs claim they don’t and can’t know an answer? Wimps!

Don’t ever fall into that trap. Make sure all of your articles offer simple, quick and inexpensive means that are certain, nay, guaranteed, to provide them with what they really want: millions of dollars with no investment of either money or time.

Building your brand becomes easy when you hit the right mixture of absolute certainty, easy, profitable solutions that people can be frightened of getting wrong. Danger. Fear. Today. Certainty. Easy implementation. Riches. These are the Paranoia Marketer’s® primary tools, and you need to use them at every opportunity.

5. Avoid “Facts”, And Instead Rely Upon “Intuitions”

My mum always said “Facts get in the way of telling a good story”, and when it comes to branding with Paranoia Marketing®, she couldn’t be more right. Smart Paranoia Marketers® know this, and avoid facts like the plague. Instead, they rely upon the Big Three: Hearsay, innuendo and Intuition.

To help utilise these powerful tools, try using sentence that ask rhetorical questions that sound menacing, like “Do you trust..” or the Paranoia Marketer’s® two best friends: “Ask yourself this: is it possible?” and “Who can be 100% certain this isn’t happening, or going to happen?”

6. Play On Motivation And Vested Interest

Never, ever, make statements that have verifiable answers that aren’t the ones you want. If your theory relies upon a fact people can disprove, you are in trouble.

Instead, rely upon facts that will always be in doubt. That means the motivation of Google, the vested interest of Yahoo and the undeniable evil and world domination desiring goals of MSN. No one can prove that Google aren’t self motivated, nor pretty much anything else that is in someone else’s nature. Play off this every opportunity you get.

7. Make Your Points Undeniable

Smart Paranoia Marketers® know the “real” definition of “Undeniable”. Undeniable doesn’t mean true beyond all doubt. Rather, it means “cannot be denied with 100% certainty”. This is the single most powerful fact that you need to realise and utilise.

Never worry how likely the paranoia is, just make sure that, no matter how inceivable, it is, indeed, possible.

8. Don’t Be Afraid Of Hyperbole

Too many Paranoia Marketers® make the mistake of avoiding hyperbole. Never, ever use any qualifier when you can reach for a superlative or, even better, an absolute. Consider these too sentences:
“There is a chance you could receive a penalty”
“You will be banned today, and there is no chance you will ever recover“.

It should be obvious to all but the most green of newbie Paranoia Marketers® that the second sentence is far more powerful, and absolutely guaranteed to hit the mark with your target audience.

9. Defend Your Efforts In Every And All Forums

Don’t be frightened, get out there and defend yourself! No matter how much the “locals” will think they are winning (and don’t they just always think that?), you are the real winner. Every forum has at least one paranoid, crazy member, if not an active member then certainly a lurker. These are the people you need to connect with, and simply showing up and defending your work will get that job done. It may take 4, 5, maybe 15 pages, but you will get there in the end.

10. {REMOVED}

We are sorry, but this idea is just too powerful to let out into the hands of newbies. But you need to know it or you could sufer the “Google Death” TODAY. If you are smart, you will Email Us right now to avoid this deadly, common mistake.

11. Bonus Step: Never Give Up, Never Surrender

If the amount of private emails and messages that isos get (and agree not to publish) are anything to go by, the support for Paranoia Marketing® principals is growing exponentially every day. Don’t be discouraged if your first few attempts miss the mark. Just keep throwing Paranoid mud against a conspiratorial wall, and eventually some will stick. For every yawn inducing “Google set 38 year cookie”, there is a “logfiles of all search terms the government can ask” for gold nugget waiting to be exploited for your brand building purposes.

You’ll never know which paranoid ideas work if you don’t throw them out there, so start publishing your paranoid delusions today. What are you waiting for? You know they’ll do it if you don’t!

10 comments November 1st, 2006