UPONG Announce Groundbreaking GIV Research
UPONG, everyone’s 3rd favourite fictional organisation, today released valuable research outlining the growing incidence of what UPONG refers to as GIV: Google Immunetoranking Virus.
This terrible and potentially financially deadly condition threatens SERP destruction for the unwitting Victims.
“GIV has a large number of symptoms that range from complete disappearance to a reduction in reported links right through to the site appearing to have no pages indexed”, said newly appointed imagined UPONG Treasurer Sarah Emma O’Guru.
“In the last few years,” S.E. O’Guru said, “the number of incidents of GIV has increased dramatically. When the first instances where discovered, in a small group of 12 otherwise healthy and active Homosexual pr0n sites based in New York, we thought it was an isolated occurrence of a bad data push. Since then, the disease has spread to both Africa and India, with Nigerian 419 sites hit particularly hard, with 1 out of every 4 being a sufferer.”
Not much is known of the root cause of the illness, but it appears to be a disease that infects via links. So far, prevention is the only known cure, and the application of a link condom at both ends of a link is vital.
“Without it”, S.E. O’Guru said, “Both sites can potentially fall victim. Worse still, it can take years for the illness to show signs, and seemingly healthy sites can suddenly develop AIGS (Aint Indexed at Google Syndrome). All site owners need to be careful right now, because only one link partner needs to have it, and a whole network of sites can be brought down.”
The saddest stories of all are of the innocent, newly registered baby sites who are born with GIV, due to previous owners callous misuse. For such sites, a superhuman effort may help them last a while, but eventually they fall victim to AIG, and a long, slow, lingering SERP death, bereft of traffic.
The UPONG research also turned up several illnesses related to, and often misdiagnosed as, GIV.
One such illness, referred to as Assburger Syndrome, is a disease that affects many people. This illness is characterised by a misunderstanding of how Search Engines work, and a subsequent obsessive watching of one keyword, reloaded every ten minutes or so, for signs of ranking improvement. Assburger sufferers also exhibit an increasing anti-social lifestyle, predicated upon finding “patterns” in SERPs that no one else can see.
“Assburgers”, S.E. O’Guru told isos. “Is an all too common affliction that affects many wannabe online business owners. The only real cure is to get these people away from there computers and out socialising, where they can start to achieve real, demonstrable improvements in their lives.”
The second illness often mistakenly diagnosed as GIV was Enserpalitis. This disease is characterised by a swelling of rankings for a brief period of time, with a subsequent return to normal traffic and ranking levels shortly thereafter. Such bouts leave the sufferer unrealistically hopeful and reliant upon the traffic, and can lead to massive monetary loses when the rankings and traffic subside to more realistic levels.
UPONG treasurer S.E. O’Guru said that UPONG are committed to not only cataloguing such illnesses, but also actively working towards a cure. “At this time, the talented and brilliant people in our underground SEO bunker are researching potential coding solutions that we feel may delay, and in some cases reverse, the effects of GIV. One hopeful technology is IPv6 research, which we feel may offer greater flexibility and resistance to the IPv4 dieasses. Until then, prevention is the only cure, and link condoms are the absolute bare minimum of protection required, with link abstinence a more effective, and much safer, option.”
5 comments September 5th, 2006
