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UPONG Launch SEO Accreditation

“Credibility: once you know how to fake it, you got it made.”

The lead off statement from a new get rich quick scheme? No, it is the the tag line for a new product released today by everyone’s favourite fictional organisation, UPONG.

Credibility: once you know how to fake it, you got it made

“For so long”, newly imagined UPONG El Presidente Terry Wrist started his long winded rant. “I have clearly been amonsgt the top 25 bestestest SEOs worldwide. OK OK OK, maybe that is stretching it. I am at least the amongst the best 25 in New Zealand. No, no, tell a lie. That is probably a stretch. I am certainly amongst the best 25 in Aukland. Anyhoo, as I was saying, I am clearly amongst the top 25 SEOs in a region that I haven’t yet defined. The problem is, how do I show that to the unsuspecting suckers potential customers that visit my site? I can’t, and that really {EXPLETIVES REMOVED}es me right off.”

As such, Terry’s first task when imagined elected into office was to instigate the new UPONG programme: the UPONG Seal Of Excellence™ program.

“This is exactly the sort of bogus, BS award that the SEM/O community has been crying out for”, Terry Said. “For so long, bogus internet awards have been the sole domain of the web design community. And while the Web Design fraternity has been handing out awards willy nilly, to all manner of {EXPLETIVES REMOVED} sites built by {EXPLETIVES REMOVED} designers, we in the SEM/O communtiy have had diddly, as in squat.”

But no longer. Finally, with this revolutionary step forward, possible only because of the the intestinal fortitude and vision of UPONG, the SEO/M community has an award / rating system of its own that it can proudly display and use to validate the smallest and the largest SEO/M firms amongst us to Joe Searcher how truly 1337 we are.”

UPONG reports that the new certification has been extrememly well received by the community. “Embraced is the word I would use”, Terry said, with sales claimed to have been “bullish”.

“SEO/M firms can’t get enough of this”, Terry said. “Already, UPONG have sold 73 of the top 25 wordwide firm certificates, and over 100 over the top 5 country certificates, with 77 in India alone. We feel that demand will remain strong worldwide in the last quarter of ‘06, and that the individualised, country specific top 5 certificates are an underdeveloped market waiting to be exploited scammed capitalised serviced.”

But it doesn’t stop there. On no. What use is a rating if it can not be independontly* (sic) verified? Little or none.

That is why UPONG have used the powerfully credible authority site that is isos to validate all listings. A page hosted by isos provides third party verification clearly showing that ab firm is indeed rated highly, to really ram home how prestigious these certificates are. By merely linking to a specified file on the isos site, the rating is instantly verifiable to anyone with a left clickable mouse, which according to our data is 97% of internet users.”

Of course, cost is always an issue. Thankfully, UPONG have kept costs to a minimum, and these industry leading accreditation and ranking certificates can be purchased online right now for the grand sum of US$25 for a top 25 worldwide rating, and/or the bargain basement price of only US$15 to be a top 5 rated firm in your country / area of choice.

To register your interest in this unbelievable product, please fill in the details below, and you will be presented with a certificate on the spot.

Independontly means we can say for sure they paid us.

1 comment August 24th, 2006

Top Seven Things I Hate About Top Ten Lists

Monkey see, monkey do. That is the modern internet for you, and this monkey, I saw me some stuff about how top ten lists are a good idea.

So I thought, “I know, I’ll set one up”, because it seems to make sense. I mean, a list seems to have much more meat than a normal article. “500 words on web design” doesn’t sound like you will get much useful out of it, and likely you will only get one thing. But a top ten list promises ten Earth Shatterring insights that will change the world as you know it.

The fact the list is inevitably an easy way out, carrying far less weight or thought than a normal article and in a format that doesn’t demand good;y grammar isn’t important. It feels like it will be more information, and truthiness dictates that, if it feels right, it is right.

So without further ado, I unleash the isos top seven things I hate about top ten lists.

1. They always claim to be able to give you some invaluable insight, yet they follow the most hackneyed format there is. As if I am going to take the advice of someone whose best ideas can only be expressed in point form whilst numbering no more, and certainly no less than, ten.
2. They are usually written in an attempt to get more notice, because as titles they promise so much. Unfortunately, most people rarely have more than one nugget of wisdom to share, and stretching that nugget out usually dilutes any quality the article would otherwise have had.
3. I resort to them so often when my deep well shallow puddle of ideas runs dry.
4. Ten is a really hard number to reach. I am only at three four, and already I am struggling, despite really, really hating top ten lists.
5. The world is being torn apart by extremists, and top ten lists are just so divisive. “Top ten things I love about…” and “Top ten things I hate about…” are the only lists that get airplay. Until moderates start receiving equal reading time, and “Top ten things I am ambivilent about…” lists are as common as hate and love lists, the top ten world will be run by extremists and the expense of decent folk everywhere.
6. They cause anxiety and lead to hard drugs. “My god, I only have 9. A top nine list? Is that allowed? Can I pull that off? No one will go for it, no one. I am a failure, I am a loser, I need a beer. F$#$ it, Heroin will get me there faster…”
7. They force lame arses that can’t think of ten things to resort, at the last moment, to using a list of 7, the only other mystical number under 101, or risk having nothing to show for all the time that one spent trying to think of that extra thing or two.

Add comment August 16th, 2006