Archive for July, 2006
Aries
Do not be afraid to give yourself permission to enjoy, for the road to ranking Nirvana is not the path of disenchanted disinterest. For the flower of the inner child is but a reflection of all that sounds purple.
Taurus
With mercury rising this month, your reciprocal linking prospects look dim. Fear not, because link partners made in haste often fail to live up to their promise as the seasons change. A new month will bring fresh changes, with a chance encounter early in September turning things around. Avoid cheese.
Gemini
Unlike the man from Nantucket, whose dick was so big it ended up on a pr0n site, you should not follow the path unto affiliate pr0n traffic, for the lunar cycle of August bodes not well for such endeavours. Instead, channel your energies through the chakra into sites of white purity. Avoid the letter F.
Cancer
It is not for you the way of spam. Black may be slimming, but the effects of black hat SEO on dietary supplement sites is not a combination you should pursue. You lucky numbers will remain 22 and 18, while your lucky colour is Turquoise.
Leo
Ideas just flow from you. The stars want you to make sure that those good intentions bear fruit, so apply all that creativity and knowledge and get something down online. Call in a friend to review your work only if that friend has a water sign. Avoid anything that contains honey.
Virgo
Consider buying that domain you have long had your eye on but where not sure was a wise investment, as August brings new life to old ideas that you had thought discredited. Also consider splurging on non-essentials, as in August you will reap thrice what you squander.
Libra
Do you romanticise the web? You shouldn’t! For every domain that is bought three go left unloved, and it is for you time to do some loving. Consider domains with hyphens, as the ASCII for hyphen is 45, your lucky number for both August and late July.
Scorpio
Replace scepticism with curiosity and see what a difference it makes in your life. Look within yourself and find the answers to your ranking problems in your heart. Soon, you’ll be attracting the vibrant, creative and interesting people you’ve always longed to have in your web team. Let the colour Amber be your guide, and the traffic and ROI you desire will arrive when you are ready to accept it.
Sagittarius
Just when you thought things were calm and settled, surprises leap out at you from nowhere. While all this stimulation leaves you feeling a little on edge, your rankings will benefit from the increased traffic generated by all the surprises.
Capricorn
Some people need to ask permission — unconsciously or on forums — before they do anything. But, that impulse is totally foreign to your nature. Higher forces and a much different agenda drive you, and the stars are aligned for a breakthrough ranking on a second tier SE. Consider PPC only later in the month, as the forces of Mars negatively impact both your CTR and average CPC early.
Aquarius
Congratulations! Your PageRank will rise one notch. But the daily grind of research and doing will leave you without the calm and tranquillity you need to achieve maximum SEO effect. Take time to leave the house, breath fresh air and let the sun revitalise your Aura. A moment ain reflective pondering will produce more than it costs.
Pisces
Something smells fishy with your site. Black Hat, Black Hat, spam me a tale, cook up my site as fast as you can. Leave the daily grind of work far behind, and quit for the promised land of AdSense revenue. But not until after August 3rd, when the moon will affect your Chi. Your lucky animal is the Bilby.
July 25th, 2006
After an eternity between posts, the feast or famine continues at isos, with the welcoming of two new contribulaters.
After only fictional authors being added to the list, welcoming onboard two real people is, well, it’s weird, I won’t lie to you.
The first, a long time commenter, the easiest name to remember in forums, the man with an aversion to dvorak keyboards, yes, I am talking about Mr Bob Gladstein, aka qwerty.
And in the red corner, a woman with a perpetual motion propeller hat, with a cartoon avatar that is way too stylish, you know who I mean, Ms Diane Aull, aka Torka.
This doubling of potential posters means, well, we have no idea what this means, except that it isn’t Snakes On A Plane, and you won’t be forced to wait three months between posts (we hope!). Other than that, well, ok, bye then.
July 21st, 2006
Finally, after months of testing, of intensive design, redesign, and even more redesign, the completion of a series of exhaustive tests carried out to the exacting six sigma level and quite frankly, a lot of Chardonanys, we are ready to unleash the greatest product ever launched anywhere at any time by anyone. Hyperbole? I don’t think so when the product is this bloody good.
Ladies and gentlemen, after years of being two steps ahead of the curve with innovative linking products like the Trapezoidal Linking Matriflux™ and super advanced link building strategies like Committing Crimes for Links, isos are proud to unveil the greatest link building product ever brought to market.
Allow me to present to you:
The isos Brand® Linkbait Web Assassin Series
Lets face it, linkbait is hot right now. Everywhere isos go, people want to hear about Linkbaiting. “Where can we get some linkbait? Got any linkbait? Can I have some linkbait? “
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Catch More Links
Linkbait From isos |
Because we at isos are nothing if not whores to public demand, we have set our immense intellects to fullfilling your Linkbait needs and desires. You wanted it, and we have (finally) delivered it.
Not just any old product either. Oh no. When isos release a product, we do it right. Any product has to be 100% aligned with our Mission Statement of Simplicity Through Convolution. We needed a product that is so ridiculously convoluted that only the most savvy Web marketers could grasp its sheer complexity and yet is so simple anyone could implement it. With the isos Brand® Linkbait Web Assassin Series, we have not only achieved this seemingly contradictory goal,but we have done it without resorting to cheap stunts, second rate material, a TLA or even a radar graph.
But we didn’t stop there. We know that the needs of sites vary and your needs are not the same as your neighbours. So we designed the isos Brand® Linkbait Web Assassin Series to different levels to suit every niche and budget. Whether you are looking to harpoon a PageRank Ten whale link, like the Japanese for “research purposes” or commercially, or are merely throwing a line out looking for a pr0n industry bottom feeder link, we have a product designed for you, by marketers that understand your needs.
Budget conscious? Our Small Fry Linkbait Lite® option, a bargain at $9.99, is for you.
The sort of person that orders the second cheapest bottle of wine at a restaurant? May I suggest the excellent, second from bottom, $19.99 mid-range Tacklemeister Linkbait Lure Extraordinaire™. Nothing says “so totally not cheap” like 2nd worst.
And for those who only accept the best; who are driven to succeed by a combination of a personality as hideous as their exterior is repulsive and a need to “show” everyone who ever teased them in high school, for you we have the Whalebait Odessey 2010 Linkbait Extreme™. At only $29.99, this product will help you get the links you desire to help you stop “flying solo”, and start make babies with real, living, flesh and blood human beings 1.0.
Skeptical? Worried that it may not be for you? Well fear not, as each product comes with the isos Brand® guaraantee, that if you aren’t 100% percent satisfied with the product and you can fulfill some minor requirements**, we will refund *** your money. NO (MORE) QUESTIONS ASKED.
But hurry, this offer can’t last! Beg, borrow, steal, commit white collar crime, do whatever you have to to buy this amazing product TODAY.
The isos Brand® Linkbait Web Assassin Series Complete Product Range
*Please note: “Guaraantee” means a claim made that will not be honoured in any way, shape or form. It is not to be confused with “Guarantee”.
**Requirements are that you can find us and can recite the alphabet backwards whilst whistling the Chemical Brother’s
and playing Jimi Hendrix’s
with your teeth
***Refund not to exceed 18% of the purchase price
July 14th, 2006
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