Brokeback SEO Storyline: Late one cold night, two male SEOs on IM suddenly embrace when one accidentally sends the wrong emoticon. Notable Quote: “I wish I could quit your spam ring”.
SEO Fiction Storyline: An ensemble cast of SEOs living life on the hard side of the web experience all manner of hijinx. Notable Quote:
“Do you know what they call link farms in France?”.
“They Don’t call it a link farm?”
“No, they call it Le Farm de Link”.
Indecent Proposal Storyline: A whitehat SEO blog aimed at Christians is offered one million dollars to redirect traffic to a pr0n site.
A Clockwork SEO Storyline: A black hat SEO is punished for his sins that are as bad as robberring a bank, by being subjected to images of bad SERPs. Notable Quote:
“Not Search Engine Watch. What did Danny Sullivan ever do to anyone?”
Back to The Future Storyline: A group of failed web developers get together and decide to call themselves SEOs, utilising 1999 tactics, and releasing articles about “Alta Vista” and the keywords meta tag.
Dr. SEO or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Spam Storyline: A doomsday SEO plots the end of Search Engines forever, with so much spam they can never recover. Notable Quote:
“We call this SEO strategy: doomsday”.
Lost in Translation Storyline: An SEO attempts to move to a lucrative expanding Asian market, where he finds himself lost in a culture he can’t understand. Notable For: A final IM scene in which our hero sends an unseen IM to the love interest.
Almost Famous Storyline: A story about a group of forum groupies that are all trying to make a name for themselves by sucking up to their idols, and starting a hate site about a well known SEO. Notable For: The scene where they all turn on each other, and everyone starts a hate site about everyone else.
12 Angry SEOs Storyline: A group of disparate SEOs get together to decide if a site is spam. There various histories come into play in this touching and griping portrayal of life and the trial and prejudices we all carry. Notable Quote:
Juror #3: What do you mean you want to try it? Why didn’t he bring it up in his post if it’s so important?
Juror #5: Well, maybe he just didn’t think of it huh?
Juror #10: What do you mean didn’t think of it? Do you think the man’s an idiot or something? It’s an obvious thing.
Juror #5: Did you think of it?
Juror #10: Listen smart guy, it don’t matter whether I thought of it. He didn’t bring it up because he knew it would hurt his case. What do you think of that?
Juror #8: Maybe he didn’t bring it up because it would of meant bullying and badgering an open source advocate who hates Microsoft. You know that doesn’t sit well with an internet intent on flaming, and most posters would avoid it if they could.
TV Shows
The Real World- SEO House Storyline:A wildly disparate group of SEO’s is unknowingly lured to a house and locked in with 20 webcams and 1 Internet connection. Love, drama, tragedy… Notable Quote:
“Whose hat is that floating in the toilet, and what colour is it anyway?”
Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Storyline: SEO’s compete to win a million dollars by answering questions on SEO myths and lore. Hosted by Matt Cutts. Notable Quote:
“Is that your final submission, or would you like to IM a friend or Google it?”
UPONG, in a continuation of their stated goal of doing cutting edge SEO market research and intelligence to provide more of the research UPONG members couldn’t be arsed doing for a public that couldn’t care less, has revealed the first extensive study into articles on the so called Google Sandbox phenomenon.
Overall Issues
Score
Average Originality of thought
2.67
Average Deviation From Norm
0.34
Average Reading Age of Articles:
8.47
Statistical validity of Theories
3.42%
“So many articles are written on this contentious issue”, El Presidente Michael said. “and we at UPONG felt that while the world didn’t need Yet Another Sandbox Theory (YAST for short), it sure as s#$@ needed an analysis of all the so called analysis. I think you will agree, the results were shocking.
The fictional study, utilising cutting edge imaginary tools that analyse the form, structure and original content of articles, including running the articles through anti-plagiarism software and word matrix generators, the UPONG survey, titled “The Industry With One Brain And Far Too Much Bandwidth”, unveiled shocking trends
“Unbelievably”, Michael said, “the average originality of thought is so low as to be almost non-existent. The plagiarism algorithms that we ran the articles through showed a strong likelihood of plagiarism in close to 98% of all articles. At first, we put this down to syndication or perhaps a few DMCA violations, but this proved incorrect, as despite their similarity, all articles were ;original’ in so far as new piece’s of writing, there was just a complete and utter lack of originality of thought.”
What UPONG found even more surprising where the types of words used. “The patented UPONG Bullshit-o-meter™, a tool we pioneered to detect and out peddlers of BS, man, that tool was flashin’ its lil red light Hollywood B-grade movie access denied style all night long.” .
Bullshit-o-meter™ Statistical Analysis
Term
OF
KWD
Specific Terms
Sandbox
100.00%
8.00%
Google
100.00%
6.00%
TrustRank
83.63%
4.00%
DMOZ
67.43%
1.00%
Aging delay
47.63%
0.76%
BS Indicator Terms
Proven
99.76%
2.65%
Unknown
0.00%
0.00%
Possibly / Possible
0.00%
0.00%
Absolute
90.83%
2.06%
comprehensive research
12.89%
2.06%
Commercial Indicator Terms
Free
67.08%
2.06%
eBook report
18.49%
1.86%
The Bullshit-o-meter™ was going nuts because its statistical analysis of words known to be frequently utilised by scamsters, as well as common phrasings and exaggerated claims, encountered many irregularities.
“Looking at the data”, Michael continued” you will see that several terms are overused, many others that are hideously under-used, and some that should have been present simply were not used at all.”
Particularly surprising, according to UPONG’s press release, was the almost complete lack of doubt, or almost anything that was less than certainty.
“No one used the word possible / possibly. Amazing. A theory without the word possible is like a fat man sans man boobs. Unheard of! Either the SEO community has no idea how to do research or present ideas, or they are so advanced in their reverse engineering that issues such as detailed research and doubt are simply not required. Whatever it is, that level of confidence has to be admired, if nothing else!”
Beautiful mascot, lovely suit
Butler smiles oh yes
Beautiful mascot, lovely suit
Where he is now I can only guess
Cause it’s gone daddy gone
Butler Jeeves is gone
Gone daddy gone
Butler Jeeves has gone away
When I see you
Eyes will turn blue
When I see you
Thousand eyes turning blue
Tell by the way you that you crawl the web
I can see by the way that you show your SERPs
I can know by the way you treat your users
I could love your Search engine it’s a cryin
Cause it’s gone daddy gone
Butler Jeeves is gone
Gone daddy gone
Butler Jeeves has gone away
Beautiful mascot lovely suit
8 referrals oh yes
Beautiful mascot lovely suit
Where he is now I can only guess
Cause it’s gone daddy gone
Butler Jeeves is gone
Gone daddy gone
Butler Jeeves has gone away
