Archive for January, 2006
isos blog contributor Mike pulled a post he had written earlier today, he told fellow isos contributor Santa.
“It was simple too high brow”, Mike claimed, in a conversation with Santa he had assumed would stay private.
Quizzed about the idea further, Mike claimed it was a wicked piece of satire that made fun of the need to name names.
“I was all about naming names something else. As in ‘isos have decided to respond to claims we are weak kneed wimps afraid to name names, and have decided to get tough and actually name a name. As our first move, we are officially naming Mark Fred. We have named Fred (spelt m-a-r-k) Fred, as this is the name we want Fred to be officially known as. And we won’t stop there. Oh no. We will be naming other names blah blah blah…’ From there, I totally wrote this whole bit about naming other names, and how this clearly made as the pre-eminent SEM Blog, and so morally superior it wasn’t funny. The piece was well funny Dude, trust me.”
Mike further claimed it was “fully ironic”, and was a brilliantly funny idea that was pulled not because it lacked the usually cutting edge qualities that isos are somewhat known for, but because it exceeded the capacity of the readership to “get it”.
“Sure, isos readers are smart, good looking, funny, and generally intelligent people, but come on, that idea was just too off the wall, far out and, yes, too high brow for many readers to get.”
When Santa suggested that the post was really pulled because it wasn’t ironic, was hardly satire and, quite frankly, the idea wasn’t even funny, the conversation took a turn for the worse.
Mike became irate and screamed a barrage of insults at Santa. “Not funny? Not funny? What are you, stupid? Thank you very much for proving my point you lowest common denominator fictional creation of the capitalist Pig Dogs designed to hoodwink innocent children.
“Santa indeed. What have you ever done? Hey? What? Except have your Elves infringe upon the patents of millions of companies by making everything from Consumer electronics to Puppies, and the last bit I think had to have involved illegal stem cell research. I bet you do it in a hollowed out Volcano, right? You make me sick, you, you, you… idiot!”
As of the time of press, Santa was unperturbed by Mike’s rant, and claimed that the decision to pull the original post was both “sensible” and “the right decision”, and that his faith in the high editorial standards of isos has left him encouraged to continue as a member of staff, with Santa already preparing a piece he hoped to have ready by “the first day of Christmas 2006”. Stay tuned.
January 18th, 2006
Joey Joe Joe Jones the IV*, in a post today on a forum, responded to a perceived insult from another poster with a barrage of insults of his own.
How dare you say those things about me you {EXPLETIVE REMOVED}. It is {EVEN WORSE EXPLETIVE REMOVED}s like you that make the Internet such a horrible place you spinless, arrogant, ignorant piece of {NOT SO BAD EXPLETIVE REMOVED}.
I was going to let your insutls (sic) pass, but I am so angry right now that I can’t. I want to let you know though, seo_dude_33***, that insults are never required, aren’t nice and only a real {MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE HE USED THE C WORD REMOVED} would ever resort to insulting someone else.
You make me sick, and quite frankly I am never going to respond to you ever again you {MILDLY INSULTING WORD REMOVED}.
Despite the obvious hypocricy of such a post, the irony of responding to insults with insults was completely lost on Joey Joe Joe Jones IV.
“Irony?”, Joey Joe Joe told isos. “{EXPLETIVE REMOVED}ing irony? Are you kidding me? HE called me names. Him. Not me. I just responded to what he started. Ain’t nothing ironic about that. I am a man of conviction and my word. When I believe something is right, I do it. {EXPLETIVE REMOVED} the consequences!”
Joey Joe Joe Jones the IV, despite being “a man of …(his) word” also failed to live up to his word, by responding to a further post that claimed to have meant no offence with yet another vulgarity laden response:
QUOTE(seo_superfreak)
No Harm by it? No {EXPLETIVE REMOVED}ing harm by it? My God, then you are the most insensitive piece of {EXPLETIVE REMOVED}, {ACTUALLY, I BETTER REMOVED THE WHOLE STRING, NO NEED TO SEE JUST FOUR COMMAS}.
And how dare you try to make this better by appologising? I can’t believe the Mods here would allow such juvenile behaviour. I am so angry I am never returning to this place ever again.
Good bye!
Again breaking his word, Joey Joe Joe Jones the IV returned to the forum five minutes later, only to discover he was banned. Joey Joe Joe Jones the IV then did the only sensible thing he could: he contacted isos, hoping our famed powers and well respected, nay, industry leading reputation would assist in getting him reinstated on the forum.
However, in isos’s first ever public failing, we couldn’t get Joey Joe Joe Jones the IV’s account reactivated, due to a combination of his lack of remorse, absolutely no sign of repetance or offer of appology, and the fact he is a complete and utter {EXPLETIVE REMOVED} that doesn’t understand irony. Still, we tried. You gotta give us that!
When quized by isos on what he planned to do now he was not only banned, but his IP address was blocked as wall, Joey Joe Joe Jones the IV claimed that he is planning on taking his “considerable knowledge and industry standing and starting my own forum”. A forum, he claims, where people will “…be free from the insults of others, and where {EXPLETIVE REMOVED}s are not welcome ever.”
He further claimed that this would be massive, and that “…no hyperbole, but this move will be huge not just for the whole industry, but the Internet as a whole and, just perhap, the whole of humanity in general”. The launch would also feature several “…world firsts of epic proportion” that he claims to have been working on for a while, and that he would announce the official launch right here on isos because our “considerable readership**** is the right sort of people”.
Stay tunned!
* Not his real name
** Not his real usnername
*** Not his real username either. Boy, are we getting wimpy with outting fictional forum posters or what?
****Considerable readership may not be statistically accurate or, indeed, true.
Ok, it is totally untrue. False even. A lie if you will. It is more like a trickle of readers. No, wait. That’s a lie to. It is really just me re-reading my posts a few times to “reminisce”. Oh, and Bob. Yeh, Bob always reads isos. And Jill. She seems to like it too. That testimonial, dude, that is like fully real and everything. Jill actually said that. Serious. Over here. And that is on like every page and all.
Anyway, I guess with Scottie that makes four. And Torka. She gets upset if I forget to mention her!!!! Six including you. Unless, of course, you are Bob, Scottie, Diane or Jill. Or me even. In which case it is still only Five. Is five considerable? (It is one more than the four I previously wrote 
) I don’t think so, but it might be. Oh sure, Brett probably gets more than that for his robots.txt blog, but that is so Web 8.4.33 it isn’t funny. So I reckon four / five is pretty good.
Yeh, f*** it. I am going with considerable, and all you ne’er do wells and naysayers with your Dictionaries and need for accuracy can go and get stuffed!
January 14th, 2006
After years of callously attempting to destroy Mom & Pop businesses by proxy with a series of updates that have forced many deserving, well thought out and otherwise viable businesses to go under, including the near annual November Updates nicknamed “Scrooge” (after Donald Duck’s uncle, Scrooge McDuck), Google are rumoured to be thinking of taking the battle to a whole new level.
“Google are planning on a series of attacks aimed at ridding the world of whinging, whining, complaining Mom & Pop site owners once and for all”, a fictional informant in my head, identifying himself as Joe Bob Smalltime, said.
He claims that Google is no longer satisfied with accidentally inflicting damage on small businesses, and they have hired a number of prominant ex-Mafia men to co-ordinate a wide scale assualt to destroy not just the businesses, but the physical property, and in some cases, even the physical vessel that transports a person’s soul until they “pass over”, of Mom & Pop site owners everywhere. These attacks are rumoured to include ram raids, arson attempts and even, for particularly resilient businesses, knee capping, assualts and possibly assinations, I deduced from the fictional informant’s rants.
“No one will be safe”, the voice in my head continued, unabated. “Not just from the wanton destruction of the very fabric of our free society that Google plan to unleash, but from their monopolistic SE as well. Google need regulating, and now.”
When asked why Google are making Mom & Pop businesses suffer, and in such pointed and horrible way, the now hysterical voice in my head screamed “It’s all about the MONEY!! Small businesses don’t buy AdWords, Man… That is why they must DIE!”
But it isn’t all doom and gloom for Mom or, indeed, Pop. New research conducted by the Mom & Pop industry group, the Businesses, Organasations and Orgs Who Hate Others Orders (Boowhoo) editor’s note: yes, it did take me an hour to think that acronym up, thanx for wondering, said that there are plenty of things businesses can do to avoid sufferring at the callous hands of the Rogue SE, officially proclaimed as part of Boowhoo’s Business World Axis Of Evil.
Boowhoo representative Julie “Stay at home Mom” Spilane told isos, “Well, there really is plenty that Mom & Pop can do to stay under the Google Hit Squad Radar. For starters, they can remove their physical address from their websites, use phone numbers that aren’t connected to their home address, get a Post Office box, use private registrar data, ensure sites are hosted by different companies on different C-Blocks… Lots of things.”
When quized about whether this story was merely an over exageration created by me to make a point I am not sure is even funny, and that a solid Marketing Plan is a far saner bet in preventing Google changes adversely affecting businesses, Joe Bob Smalltime answered, “Who needs a stinking Marketing Plan when we can belly ache about things and throw out hot air about suing Google? Marketing Plan. Sheesh! You isos guys, you kill me!”
January 11th, 2006
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