In Search Of Stuff

ISoS Exclusive: Interview With Search Industry Insider

At ISoS, we are nothing if not Badwagon jumpers. Seemed like SEO blogs are big, we thought, so we got one. Keyword research looks big, so we built a tool. Linking strategies are huge, so we created one. We even wrote two eBooks after we learnt what they were, and are even thinking of renaming the blog ISoS Web 2.0: In Search of the Long Tail.

Recently, we found ourselves falling behind. We had noticed a small trend, a micro trend if you will, emanating from our insidious and evil Blog competition. That trend was Interviews with people involved in search. A veritable spate of the blighters keep pounding my RSS reader with frightening consistency.

Never above stealing quality ideas when we see them, nor for being terribly frightened of being left behind, ISoS set about ripping this idea off. Our search for someone to interview thus begun.

First, we thought “lets get someone who knows stuff and people respect, like Matt Cutts”. Alas, he refused to return our pleading emails (something about the colour coding not matching or some bunkum). Anyway, turns out the traitor spoke to Aaron Wall instead. His loss.

Then we thought, no worries, lets go to the competition: Yahoo. Our emails bounced.

No worries. There is always Ask Jeeves. No love. Our emails got through this time, but they just wouldn’t talk to us.

Even MSN, so very desperate to promote their new crawler, and to keep Bill from having to talk about Google again, even MSN gave us the cold shoulder.

Hell, we got so desperate we even considered LookSmart. LookSmart. After picking oursleves up from a laughing fit on the floor, we dusted ourselves off and finally thought we had a lead. We received an email from a guy who claimed to have a mate who was the Janitor at the Googleplex. Alas, it all turned out to be a cruel Hoax.

Then we had what recovering addicts refer to as a moment of clarity: lets interview the one person no one has yet dared interiew: Joe Searcher. IN YOUR FACES SEO bloggers!!!! Try topping THAT. You can take your Matt Cutts-es and your Sergey Brins-es and choke on ‘em. We got the real deal right here folks!!

ISoS: Welcome Joe, and thanx for giving ISoS your time. Can you give our readers a bit of background?

Joe: Sure. I work locally, I have two kids, I am in my “late thirties’ and I like Sport. Here is a picture of me: (Editor’s Note: Face does not really look like this).

How often do you use the Internet and Search engines?

Well, I use the Internet and Google stuff just about every day at work.

Excellent, that pretty much makes you an average Search engine user. In fact, it may over qualify you! So what search engine do you use, Joe, and what do you like to search for?

Well, I like Google. It’s pretty cool, as I can find free porn without trying too hard at all. And after that nastiness a few months back, I now know to never click an email. When I see a product I want to try these days, I Google it instead. These patches don’t seem to be working though… um… by the way, who is going to be reading this interview? My wife won’t see it, will she? Or the guys at the office…

No, it will be totally anonymous.

Cool. I also like to find stories about stuff I like, like sports and stuff. By the way, did you know if you Google [failure] and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky” that you end up at President Bush’s site? That made us all laugh at the office. Except for Max. He thought it was a disgrace. But then Max is always upset at stuff like that.

Speaking of Google Bombs and porn, there has been a lot of talk recently about Search Engine Spam. What are your feelings about spam on Search Engines?

I like spam. When my wife is out of town, I fry it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She doesn’t like canned meats. She likes canned tuna though, so go figure. I don’t search for it spam. I usually just buy it at the grocery store. Why, are there good deals for spam online?

Um… Sometimes. So how do you feel about paid ads on search engines?

There are paid ads on search engines?

Yes. The ones on the rigth and in Blue at the top labelled “Sponsored”. You never noticed them before?

OH THOSE - I get those popping up all the time, not just on search engines. They are paid you say? Who knew? They are alright I guess. A bit annoying.

What are your thoughts on SEO?

Is that that new football league where the has beens go? I’m all for more sports. Anything that reduces the percentage of home improvement shows on air is great in my book.

Do you use any search engines besides Google?

There are other search engines? Oh, right, of course, you mean AOL… my mom has AOL, and I use that when I am there.

Don’t you live with her now though?

Look, I’m just helping her out for a while is all. She doesn’t get around like she used to, OK? And besides, when my wife gets over that whole finding-porn-on-the-computer thing, I’ll be going go back home. Hey, now that I think about it, it’s Google’s fault I got kicked out. Damn that Google! If they didn’t make it so easy to find that stuff, my wife would have never caught me looking at porn, and she wouldn’t have found those pictures of me and my girlfriend out on the boat either! Damn Google Desktop!

Apart from ruining your marriage, what else has Google done for you?

Well, it helped me to find Kitty (my girlfriend) but it also helped Kitty find some other guy, so I guess isn’t all beer and skittles.

Do you usually find what you are looking for?

Mostly. Sometimes I get upset because they don’t have what I want. Like the other day. I was looking for [Lawyers that make wives get nothing], and I just couldn’t find one. No [nasty vengeful lawyers] either. Not even a [psycho, hates to lose lawyer]… nothing! I was very annoyed, and the end I just had to settle for a [cheap divorce lawyer]. I was gutted…

Anything else frustrate you about Search Engines?

Actually, yeh. The lack of the right information. Like the other day when I was looking for information about inheritance laws. Like under what circumstances a son doesn’t inherit his mother’s house. You know, fire, burglary, murder, that kinda stuff…. Cause mum is like sick. Yeh, right, she is sick. Um… anyway, I got all these sites aweful government sites and boring college professor pages, but none of them had the information I wanted.

We’ve been on a real journey here, Joe. One of hurt, of healing, of new love found, of old love lost and, in end, new love lost as well. Any final thoughts for us on search?

Yeah - put the car keys in the same place all the time, and you don’t have to search as much. (That’s what mom says every morning.) And I just learned about that “clear history” thing - they should tell more people about that.. it could like save your marriage and your job, dude…

Joe, Thank you for your time.

1 comment October 14th, 2005

UPONG In Yet Another World First

With the release of their latest product, everyone’s favourite imaginary organisaton, UPONG, have achieved a world’s first: the first ever release of an Ironic product.

“As an organisation dedicated to Underpanters and Openly Nakeds, we decided that the obvious choice of clothing to release (undies or a thong / G String), just wasn’t our style”, El Presidente Motherwell said. “No obvious product release here. Oh no. Nothing so painstakingly linear. We mixed it up. We went all Artsy and Avant Garde on you. You could even say we have broken new ground for imaginary organisations anywhere. That’s right, we did it: we released a T-Shirt. Bet you didn’t see that coming now, did you, eh?”

But it wasn’t all humour value and pretentious posturing that made the decision a no-brainer.

“Oh hell no”, Motherwell claimed in a shocked and slightly hurt voice. “Look, sure, we all sit around in various levels of undressedness skanking it up, but even UPONG hardliners accept that, on rare occasion, we have to go out into the Real World v1.0 (although we still can’t believe the big Fella let it out of beta with such poor QA and glaringly obvious flaws). And lets get real for a moment: a T-Shirt, especially one with an undie waving smilie, is sexy as all heck, and just plain makes for some good, quality Formal Wear.”

Unlike the usual ISoS product launches, that are simply too sophisticated to be trusted in the hands of most people, the UPONG T-Shirt is actually available for purchase, without requiring an essay.

“After so many Ãœber secret, mega-record busting, hyper complicated and ridiculously powerful product launches, we just felt the time was right to launch something mainstream, and give back to those less fortunate”, Motherwell condescended.

“In the end, we just felt that, despite being made of high tech materials and being all like space age and stuff, a T-Shirt was something that even Joe Noob could be trusted to operate within design specifications”, El Presidente lectured.

UPONG plan to sell the T-Shirts to raise money for unspecified reasons, with Motherwell adding:

“There is absoultely no truth to the rumours I am receiving payment for my work with UPONG. None at all. Not even a hint of truth. Not one dollar do I receive. Not a single cent. Heck, not even a brass razoo. Not even close. No UPONGate here people. Nothing to see. Move along.

“It truly is a labour of love”, Motherwell exulted. “I sit here in my undies cause I love it. That and cause it is Spring here. I absolutely do not do it because I get any financial return, and I want that stated categorically and for the record. Read my lips, no new UPONG stipends.

“Why, what have you heard anyway?? Did Scottie say something? She did, didn’t she? She said something? Scottie blabbed didn’t she? Last time I tell her anything, the blabberer…”

So get your Ironic, Avant Garde UPONG T-Shirt today before… well, before… oh just go buy one cheapskate!

<update>In response to calls from Underpanters wishing to distance themselves from the openly nakeds, especially on clothing, a small UPONG splinter group has released a rival T-shirt: http://www.cafepress.com/upong.33797897.

El Presidente in no way endorses this movement, although he does support diversity and choice, and members rights to hold contrary, none UPONG endorsed views.</update>

1 comment October 14th, 2005

Grandpa Simpson’s Letter To The DMOZ

Also available as a Podcast. Thank you timmy Whalen

Warning: this Blog goes out to all the people that have a gripe with The DMOZ, and post in every forum and media they can. Of course, if you aren’t a Simpson’s fan, it won’t make much sense (but then, when do ISoS posts ever make much sense??)

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Dear The DMOZ,

I am appalled by the way The DMOZ is treating my listing.

It all started back in 1999, when I submitted a site on Matlock and onions. Not brown onions mind, but red onions, as was the style at the time. I said to the editor “Give me three listings for a bee” which is what we called nickels back then, and the editor said “For a bee? No hope”.

In the subsequent years, I became increasingly frustrated with the way The DMOZ works. Its protrayal of old people in particular upsets me. I remember an incident that happened back in the early, heady days of the Bush Administration. The son that is, not the father. You know, the nice boy from Texas with the cheesey grin and blank look.

So there I was, clothed in only a dusty rag, as was the style at the time, attempting to submit my site using my trusty Amiga, which was popular back then, on oldies looking for love, www.geriatrics-on-heat.com. I can safely report that an appalling wait to be listed ensued.

The people that use my site are old, old I tells ya, and if I have to wait too long I might…IP, OP, sorry, I almost had a heart attack there, where was I? Yes that’s right, www.geriatrics-on-heat.com. As I lost the non hyphenated domain in an incident involving serious alegations I am not at liberty to discuss, I was refused a listing, and subsequently geriatrics all over the country have not found love.

As them young skalliwags at Google seems to like a DMOZ listing, this got my blood so to boiling that I says to Jasper, them Google people’s is not respecting us old folks, and shot them off a letter furious at their refusal to develop a Matlock Search Engine called “Matlockoogle”, which I first suggested when they released the Back Rub search engine in the heady days of the dotcom boom, before all them VC types was begging on the streets.

And that was how I saved Christmas for all the orphans.

Abe Simpson

Add comment October 14th, 2005