Archive for October 20th, 2005
Tired of exploiting the stereotypes about searchers and Search Engines, and in a hopeless attempt to broaden our appeal beyond SEM geeks, ISoS have instead turned our razor sharp wit and biting satire to another stereotype, George W Bush’s famed stupidity.
Utilising competitor analysis data pulled from ISP logs situated outside the Whitehouse and Camp David, fictional competitive research company B.I.N. (Big Important Nam) inc, utilising their Market Analysis Charting Guru Companion 2005 Lite Suite, have been able to plot and graph what exactly Doubleya was searching for on given dates. The following graph shows common, big ticket searches, or the “head terms” Bush Googled:
The most interesting snippets include:
- Doubleya’s discovery of Google in January 2003 has resulted in a flurry of Googling ever since. It seems Doubleya’s obsession began with [Miserable Failure]. Ever since, it appears that first thing he does when he gets to work, when he works, right at the crack of noon, is Google [miserable failure]. Confidential ISoS Whitehouse correspondents have told us that, so concerned was Doubleya at this SERP, that they secretly had the results switched in May, with Mike Moore first, followed by Hillary Clinton and George third. Doubleya was apparently so overjoyed at being “fourth” (sic), that he took a holiday to celebrate. That said, they did notice that the rate of clicks for the number one ranked site dropped from 42% to 38% after his change was made, proving that Bush was a far better choice as the most relevant result, and further reinforcing independent research.
- Before the invasion of Iraq, Doubleya made several searches such as [should I invade I rack] (sic), [where is Iraq] and [is Iraq sunny this time of year]. No one is sure if these Googlings returned the “right” answers, although subsequent searches ([has Iraq war started yet]) seem to indicate they did.
- During the Hurricane Katrina crisis and in the early aftermath, the search phrase [where is new aweleans] showed up. This was quickly followed, in classic search usage progression, by more targeted searches like [is new orleans in america], [how from my ranch is new orleans] and [if I went to new orleans, would I still be in America]. As the crisis escalated, searches such as [what do fema do], [how do they name hurricanes] and [good spot for fly fishing] became increasingly common.
- Underage drinking featured heavily, no surprise given Barb jnr’s run ins with the law. His Chillen seem to be a problem a lot, as [ask dr phil how to be better parent] was a frequent search, as was [does the naughty spot work on teenagers] after the launch of Supernanny, rumoured to be the President’s favourite show.
- Despite being all grown up and president of the most powerful country in the world, Doubleya still suffers anxiety. [does daddy love me] and [am as good a presidant as daddy] (sic) were frequent searches for the President.
- Despite strong fundamental Christian views and support, it appears Doubleya has frequent lapses of faith. Doubleya Googled [is god real], [what is evolootion] (sic), [did we really descend from monkeys] and [is evolution why arnie looks like a gorilla] soon after the “Intelligent design” debate began.
The UK division of BIN supplied results for Blair, but all he ever seemed to Google was [cheap makeup delivered].
October 20th, 2005
As a single guy with an eCommerce site, Waldo* feels unloved. He certainly is no Wallmart, what with his niche selection of power tools, but he just doesn’t qualify as a “Mom and Pop” store either, leaving him often feeling left out.
Our man Waldo** |
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“I really don’t want to have kids just to get a bit of attention and sympathy”, Waldo said. “Kids are a serious thing, and I would never take it lightly. However, when your site suffers in search engines, everyone rallies behind the Mom and Pop banner, but us singles get no love. No one ever says ‘what Google did to small, single people sites is appalling’. No one ever goes in to bat for us. Don’t we have feelings? Don’t we matter? Is our blood not the same? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you take away our free search engine traffic, do our businesses not suffer? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.”
Waldo also claims that it is toughest for single Guys, with PageRank biased against them in particular. “There are parents networks, there are networks designed to help women, where are the networks for single guys? How do I promote my business through Men’s clubs? And anyway, aren’t ‘Men’s Clubs” just strip joints? So while my married and single woman friends get all the links and all the rankings, I sit here and suffer. PageRank is an absolute joke, IMHO, because it is just flat out biased against single men.”
Despite the gloom and doom, it isn’t all bad. Waldo mentioned as distinct single guy advantages the cash flow benefits of living at home, having clothes washed and food prepared, as well as the low overheads associated with paying minimal board and “sharing” mum’s ISP account.
“But even with that, it is tough to do well when you can’t get freebie links like everyone else”, Waldo whinged.
Waldo’s mum, Mrs Waldo***, is also upset. “It just breaks my heart to see that dear boy work so hard and get nowhere. He is in his room all day everyday, working so hard. I have never met a boy with more dedication. He is so dedicated he even locks the door to keep me out cause he gets distracted when I come in and try to clean up a bit. Really, I want to just ask Mr Brin and Mr Page to please help small sites like Waldo’s out. The boy deserves a break, and it just isn’t right that Google won’t give him one. His site is just so very excellent. I don’t use the Internet much, but his site is clearly the best one I have ever seen.”
Waldo has recently begun a network for living at home men, which he plans to call LAHM. “I know it isn’t a funny acronym like UPONG, or that clairvoyant one, but sometimes the humour isn’t in a silly acronym, but the inevitable consequence of a well thought out and executed idea.
“And I just want to give single guys a chance to get links, and SAHM is the only way I could think of. Plus it is a bit of a tax thingy as well, just quietly.”
Waldo said he expects to have the organisation up and running some time in the new year, and promises to keep all ISoS readers informed. “This really is the only Blog that gives people like me a chance to have a say. That Joe Searcher article was really insightful, and really connected with me. I had me one of them Oprah light bulb moments when I was reading that. It read so much like my own life it was frightening.
“So yeh, I will keep ISoS readers informed of my progress with LAHM, and I’ll even reciprocal links with you if you like…”
*not his real name
**not his real face
***also not her real name
October 20th, 2005
Recently, ISoS has come under heavy criticism in some parts for our style, our content and our goals… or lack thereof, depending upon your perspective. People have even gone so far as to call this a “stupid blog”.
At first, we thought it was some new slang saying what the kids use to describe stuff they really like. You know, like dope, sick or “F&^%ed Up”. We thought “totally stupid” was the new “fully sick”. Alas, after heavily Googling “stupid” and calling a niece in the suspect demographic, we were informed that, alas, stupid is indeed an insult 
See, the thing is, it just isn’t our fault. Both Scottie and Michael have been really distracted this week by their own personal tragedies. Scottie has like this broken nail, and a paper cut as well. Yeh, a real bad, nasty one… On the same finger as the broken nail! Makes typing super hard.
And Michael has, like, this really bad case of “hair band caught in ponytail”itis. REAL bad. It is like a war zone in there. You don’t know where hair ends and hair band begins!!!!! He took it to a hairdresser and the poor girl broke down in tears crying “I can’t save it, I just can’t” before storming out all flustered.
So, what with the sore fingers and the bad hair and the effort to extricate said hair band from hair, we can’t be held accountable for the quality of posts. I mean, when you have to worry about a twisted hair band or a sore typing finger, you can’t be expected to be on top of everything, and the odd mistake creeps in.
Heck, Scottie hasn’t typed an “s” in days, and you just try writing an article about SEO without using the letter “S”.
We would have posted something funny and informative about this earlier, but we have just been distracted, and every time we started, our problems just got worse and worse.
Again, ISoS are getting better, and we hope, once this round of tragedies is over, that we can post better stuff.
October 20th, 2005
