In Search Of Stuff

ISoS Dress Up Self Promotion As “Research”

In Search of Stuff have conducted ground-breaking research into their own Blog.

“We wanted, nay we dreamed, of breaking new ground”, blog contributor Michael Motherwell said. “But there really wasn’t much left to report on, so we decided some in-depth research into ISoS was the best bet. We figured, hey, if everyone else is dressing up self promotion as a “white paper” or “research”, why can’t we?”

The results of this research were inconclusive though, with Michael making up all the results himself. “Research is hard work”, he said. “First, you need to contact people, then you have to care about what they say and, quite frankly, the answers usually just aren’t that funny.”

The results made up include the following quotable sound bites:

1. Scottie posts less, but is far more thought provoking. “Sure, I make up funny stuff, but really, where is the heart?” Michael said. “That McDs stuff, that was some good, quality, thought provoking analogy! Bravo!”
2. Funky diagrams and Excel spreadsheets are time consuming, but Radar graphs are inherently funny.
3. ISoS now officially most quoted response when fobbing off dumb forum questions. “This really makes us proud”, Michael said. “When we started ISoS, we wanted to do something different, and being an answer to the unanswerable is something to be proud of and, dare I say it, release as official research!”
4. The word “Dongle” is also inherently funny, but to avoid strange looks, should not be said loudly near parents with small children whilst walking the dog
5. Trapezoidal is a frighteningly common adjective
6. Culturally sensitive gags not nearly as funny when explained. “U - PONG, as in stink. Get it? U-stink, cause you don’t like shower or change or stuff and, and… Sigh. You see what I mean?”
7. If you post an email address, people will send you emails, no matter how silly the topic (thank you Paul and Torka)
8. ISoS nominated for best use of “SHAZAM” in a user comment on a Blog. “This we never expected, and we need to thank Bob a lot for this immense honour.”
9. Google images is a rich source of graphs, equations and other humour inducing pictures. Use wisely
10. JavaScript alerts like this one, whilst moderately amusing, consume far more time than their comedic value deserves, and provide a very poor L2ER™ (Laughs To Effort Return). On the bright side though, they can be reused multiple times (see navigation to the right)
11. Many people, as Regurgitator say, like old stuff better than our new stuff

So there you have it. Ground breaking, fictional research! Feel free to add your own in the comments, but be warned, if it is any good, I am gonna steal it and put it back into the Blog and take all the credit!

Add comment October 14th, 2005

Tap The Knowledge Of The Undead For Increased PROFIT

We hinted at this when we released our Ultra Keyword Accuracy Guru (v1.01 Beta), but it is now official. After years of research conducted in darkened rooms, after millions of late nights, ISoS have finally finished our revolutionary Netherworld Communications Suite: Ouija Board to USB dongle and the accompanying software: Séance Analyser 2005.

This product, with its combination USB 2.0 and Firewire (IEEE 1394) adaptors, as well as the optional Wireless features, threatens to provide Smart Marketers with an edge they have never before had: the spirit world.

No longer will marketers be limited to Real World, Samsara tools and experts. Now you to can have access to the combined knowledge of the spirit world, and all those that have, as John Edwards says, “passed over”.

Literally Thousands of Uses

Having trouble thinking of an original idea? Imagine summonning the flawed genius of Howard Hughes. Having trouble spinning a problem? Need an advertising idea? just call up David Ogilvy.

Just imagine the information you can gather by having former Harvard and MIT Professors analysing and critique your Business Plan, the untold wealth of ideas that smart businessmen from the past like King Soloman could provide. Imagine all the inventions that Tesla and Oppenheimer never got to unleash on the world, all literally at your finger tips.

This information and more is now just a séance away, thanks to the Netherworld Communications Suite: Ouija Board to USB dongle.

How It Works

Our revolutionary breakthroughs in Ouija tracking software enable high precision data to be relayed back into your PC in real time, for accurate answers to any question. This data is then logged in our proprietary Underworld Netherbase™, for later retrieval and analysis.

With over 1,001 built in graphs (including my personal favourite: Radar Graphs) and a list of sample questions so detailed that the Clairvoyant Union National Treasury Syndication is suing us, and the Séance Analyser 2005 can help you build your business today!!!

But Wait, There is More

As part of our Séance Analyser 2005 suite, for all séances that prove inconclusive, our Séance Re-creatordex (v1.9.23) can recreate the exact positioning of the planchette to the millimeter and nansecond, allowing you to re-analyse séance data to the fine-grained detail that all smart marketers need. No longer will a yes / no answer be unclear or ambiguous, with Séance Recreatordex, you can pinpoint exactly what the answer was, to the nanometer with an accuracy to 999 decimal places.

Hurry, Limitted Release

We are offering a limitted number now for order to loyal ISoS reaaders. Please email us a 750-760 word essay outlining your desire to purchase this revolutionary product. But hurry, this is an initial offer only, and due to a range of issues, we may never put this product into mass production.

3 comments October 14th, 2005

ISoS launch 100% Accurate Keyword Research Tool

Tired of getting dodgy keyword totals? Can’t make a decision when Oveture and Wordtracker don’t agree? Need 100% accuracy or you are paralysed by the fear of making a mistake?

NEVER FEAR, ISoS IS HERE.

Smart marketers need better tools, and after years of complaints about the state of current keyword research tools, we have decided to release our proprietary Ultra Keyword Accuracy Guru (v1.01 Beta).

This tool, unlike all the competitors, only returns results that are 100% accurate. Yes, you read that right: 100% Accurate Keyword numbers.

ISoS have combed the Earth, and even used our patent pending Netherworld communication Ouija Board to USB dongle, to come up with an answer that is absolutely, positively, 100% accurate. No guess as to the number of searches, no vagueness in the data, nothing but 100% accuracy!!!

Try it out now on your keywords!!!

Add comment October 14th, 2005